Love that cheesy grin...

I read it through a second time, and still can''t find anything that I consider "wrong". I missed about half JSwing''s red marks too (Maybe I''m just not meant to be critical...)

My only query is - will this story devolve (IMO it''s devolution) into an R16/18 in the next installment, or does the story concentrate more on the problems they face with their arrangement? (Or some other branch-off that I can''t think of...)

Waiting to see how the story turns out...

Faradhi Sobriet-Treves
Press to test... *click* Release to detonate...

quote:Original post by Faradhi
My only query is - will this story devolve (IMO it's devolution) into an R16/18 in the next installment, or does the story concentrate more on the problems they face with their arrangement? (Or some other branch-off that I can't think of...)

That's interesting, that you can anticipate that from what's there. I had originally considered the story finished at this stage, (I had "And they lived happily ever after" at the end but my proofreader wanted it deleted) but then a friend requested that I write an 18+ ending for the story, which I wasn't interested in, and I decided I wanted to write about the three when they were children so I could do more culture-building. The version with them as children is stuck at 22 pages because I need to think of some more plot to hold it up. It's here if you're interested in reading that much. I already know it has big problems with age-appropriate vocabulary.

I rearranged their characters a bit, and I think they work better this way.



Edited by - sunandshadow on February 6, 2001 11:47:55 PM

Well to me it just seemed like the story should continue. It may just be that I'm used to series like McCaffrey's Dragonriders of Pern (Half a ton of paper all on the same world)

This part adds a lot to my understanding of the world you've set your story in. As I said earlier, I'm not that good at proofreading (But I am appreciative of a good story) (Added: I do think the characters work better this way though)

My thanks for this part, and good luck with the story...

Faradhi Sobriet-Treves
Press to test... *click* Release to detonate...

Edited by - Faradhi on February 7, 2001 9:47:51 PM