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KuneTear

Game background story,feedback please

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I wrote an introduction to a fantasy game that my friends and i are designing. I wrote this personally so the others in my group still have yet to read it. Though, i just typed it up and im looking for people who wouldn't mind to give me some good constructive criticism. This would be at the beginning of the game to introduce the character to our fantasy world. The game takes place in a world called Nylandia. BACKGROUND OF NYLANDIA Back when Nylandia was ruled by Ice Wizard Golamus, there were many people who did not like his rule. He had ruled for a good amount of years in the throne. Knowing Golamus, he would do anything to keep his power, no matter what it took. There came a point when it became to much. Golamus had started to work with the forces of evil magic. The Great Phoenix, who was the overseer of Nylandia, had came to a solution that would stop Golamus in his steps. The Great Phoenix had plucked it's main feathers, or pinions. There the Great Phoenix Pinions had spawned, as the new overseers of Nylandia. The Great Phoenix made a great sacrifice in making this choice, knowing that it had done the right thing. They bottled up the sacred ashes for use in a later time. These are the 6 Phoenix Pinions: Chaos Spawn, Demonkill Dororan, God of Fire and Slaughter Ice Dragoon, Lelunion Sekarnum, God of Ice and Dragons Protector of Creatures, Feiren Taurus, God of Creatures and Humanity Controller of Time, Chronos, God of Time and Chaos Virgin Amazon, Aletia, Goddess of Nature and Amazons Master of Gadgets, Locke, God of Technology and Warfare Demonkill was sent to Ahreim and gathered up the rebel force that had been in charge there. Locke worked side-by-side with Demonkill in their strategy of warfare. Locke thought for days on how he could improve their army. He tinkered with gadgets until he built a quite sound structure. He developed a body suit and a full assault version of his creation. This is how mechs were brought to Nylandia. Chronos, in the meantime, was gathering many extinct creatures of the past. He gathered as many creatures as he could to destroy Golamus. He then brought his army back to the rebel fort in Ahreim. The sister pinion, Aletia, went to the uninhabited land of Hakren. She built and fortified three forts of her own. for anybody in need of protection. It was mainly for the Wood Elves that were unprotected on this savage island. She then sent her main legion of amazon to Ahreim in support of the war cause. Feiren, lord of the creatures, helped the cause in a few ways. He provided the army with war mounts. Although, not all of the mounts were horses. Some of them were tamed beasts, that would now help in battle. He also built an abundant army of creatures like Mews and Gnarells. In Feiren's mind, the humane thing to do in this situation, was to rid of Golamus. Lelunion had seemed, at this moment, to be the most human. To help the cause he trained in the magic of Ice and how to harness his dragon powers. He was sent to Wendrak, Home of the Dragons, and gathered up an army of his fellow dragonkin. Each Pinion had been spawned with a certain history and memories. The ones Lelunion had were not great, because Golamus Sekarnum was his father. Golamus was now aware of the Phoenix Pinions and their plans. Luckily he had already started to gather an army of his own. He also gathered his followers to help. In his army he brought together the people loyal to him and creatures, such as the horrifying dog-people, the Dralls. Messages had been sent back and forth and the war had started, it was final. Lelunion and Demonkill led the army against Golamus. They fought both on the desert wasteland Ahreim and the beautiful green grass of Algania. The bloodshed was a gruesome, mournful site to see. As horrifying as the battle may have been, the aftermath it left just may have been worse. Now the war was over and Nylandia is now residing in the hands of the Pinions. Demonkill and Lelunion were crowned the rulers of Nylandia in the effort they put in to lead the rebellion against the power-hungry leader. These two now watch over Nylandia with protection, and their pets Mud and Tommi. Though this doesn't mean there isn't any evil in Nylandia....

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- The good guys, being more or less demigods, seem overwhelmingly more powerful than the bad guy, a mere wizard who simply deals with evil forces: there should be some explanation of why he is dangerous to the whole world and too strong for human heroism (a good wizard, an assassination plot, etc.).
- Who are the completely unintroduced Mud and Tommi?
- What will happen now? A peaceful rule by benevolent demigods is one of the most adventure deprived fantasy settings that I can imagine (at least for heroic characters; explorers or criminals might have opportunities).

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Tommi and Mud are just jokes, added for kicks.

Golamus is a very pwoerful being. Possibly poweresof a Demigod and Nylandia would turned to an evil purpose if it wasnt done.

They are the gods of Nylandia, and this is just the intoduction there will be a storyline devleoped for the modern Nylandia as i still need to write it.

Thank you Lorenzo for your feedback, i'll work on improving it.

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