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Want critisism for plotline!

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Hither thee go...eth. Crimson Ehmpfier The game begins on Efferina, a triangular continent surrounded by islands, and split into thirds by a conveniently shaped mountain range, at the center of said range lies the Mage's Tower, the centre of all knowledge. In the south lies the Krymzom Empire, the east holds the Malnomi Kingdom and the west is just a haphazard selection of city-states. The Lord of Darkness, emperor of Krymzom, has mounted a large-scale invasion of Malnomi, seeking to dominate it's people beneath his iron fist. The people of Malnomi live in fear of this new threat, as it's rumoured that the evil Lord seized power by callously killing his aging father, the Emperor, and that he is a terrible man who personally slays his staff on a regular basis. The Krymzom army easily decimates the smaller and weaker Malnomi forces. *Agony* The only hope for Malnomi lies in the west, in a middle-sized town called Laxuz (pronnounced Lak-zooz). A teenage girl calling herself Sam is searching for a mercenary named Agony, who is the one man who can get her through the Krymzom-controlled Dran Ranges in one piece, although it's said that Agony has accepted few jobs. Sam carries on despite this, for she carries what is said to be the one weapon that can break through the Lord of Darkness' evil aura - a large blade called Leonspradei (you don't know this for a while, though). She needs to return to Malnomi, to save her people from enslavement. When she finds Agony (who has semi-long silver hair and an eyepatch), he instantly accepts. Sam complains about not paying him, but he says it's fine, the Krymsom soldiers are loaded - he'll just mercilessly l3wt anyone who gets in his (and, to a lesser degree, her) way (but he says it in a bad-ass kind of way.). Sam shrugs it off and they leave. What she and doesn't know is that the gun-wielding man she has just hired, Frederick Agony, isn't just your ordinary mercenary... *Alphonse* Meanwhile, in Malnomi, a young (think 14-15) apprentice locksmith, Alphonse, comes home to find his villiage destroyed and his family killed. Alphonse swears eternal vengance against the doers of this evil atrocity, the Krymzom army, and sets off to join the Malnomi army with Denzel, a hunter who finds Alphonse unconsious and near-death in the forest shortly after his oath. But Alphonse is piss-weak (worst character in the game, in fact. By far.) and to exact vengance he needs power. He'll do whatever it takes to obtain that power...even sell his soul... *Claire* Claire, one of Krymzom's top generals is on a mission. She is looking for the 'Captain,' the man she loves and one of the strongest warriors in the known world. He dissapeared from the Imperial Palace a few years ago and she, along with a select group of elite soldiers who were once under the command of the 'Captain,' go off in search of him. But she will find out more than she wishes, and her beliefs in Krymzom's right to rule will be forever shaken... The story is split into 22 chapters (23 if you play your cards right), and in each you control a different character (Agony, Alphonse or Claire) as they combat the evil 'Lord of Darkness'. The story is non-linear and can change depending on your actions. Eg if you go left you meet Agony's party, but if you go right you don't. The next time you play as Agony, his scenario will change to reflect this. This means that the story can become EXTREMELY varied from game-to-game, although there is only one 'true' path throuth the game. The plot has some pretty wild twists as well (SHPOILER!!! AVERT YOUR GAZES CHILDREN!!! Frederick is really the Emperor of Krymzom/the so-called Lord of Darkness, AND the "Captain!" Alphonse becomes evil by absorbing the power of the 'sinstone,' an artifact that holds the soul of a mage who nearly destroyed the world while fighting the mage sealed within the 'saintstone.' Claire is captured by Agony, leading to some...interesting scenes. And Sam is really the princess of Malnomi. NO MORE SPOILER!!!), and nothing is as it seems... The game features over twenty two playable characters, ranging from an old soldier who fights alongside his two kids to a gay alcoholic undead priest. Really, there IS a gay alcoholic undead priest in the game. But he's not THAT gay, mind you, he just likes men. Like men like women. And he has room for only one man in his life, but he died alongside the priest 400 years ago... Questions, people! I need questions! They make me think! P.s I'm not really too sure what the point of the above was, as, looking back, it sounds very much like an ad...o_0

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I would personally avoid the following things:

The good guy who turns out to be the bad guy.
The commoner who turns out to be a princess. This is so cliched it's not even a twist any more. It's practically expected. People will be more suprised if she DOESN'T turn out to be the princess.
The evil villain who just wants to take over the other county because, well, he's evil. Have him incite his people to war to try and pull his country out of their economic depression. Have him do it to try and make a profit for the arms dealing wing of his families businesses. Have him blame a terrorist attack on Malnomi. There are any number of motivations to go to war.
The magical artifact that can destroy said villain.
All of these things are either done to death, or lack depth and interest.

How and why is Claire captured by Agony. He's her boss.

Why doesn't Agony kill Sam and take the weapon? With a vastly superior army he certainly doesn't need to take the diplomatic route to taking over Malnomi by marrying her. He can just go the iron fist route.

Put as much effort into the rest of the characters as you have into the priest. That character sounds like he could have an interesting back story and a non revenge/generic hero/generic villain based motivation. As a minor point, I wouldn't describe the priest as a gay undead alcholic priest though, it sounds a bit like you're trying too hard to be wacky or shocking, which could put some people off. You wouldn't descrive an overworked gay alcholic bank manager like that. They would be a bank manager, who happened to be overworked, gay, and alcholic.

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Original post by CIJolly
I would personally avoid the following things:

The good guy who turns out to be the bad guy.
The commoner who turns out to be a princess. This is so cliched it's not even a twist any more. It's practically expected. People will be more suprised if she DOESN'T turn out to be the princess.
The evil villain who just wants to take over the other county because, well, he's evil. Have him incite his people to war to try and pull his country out of their economic depression. Have him do it to try and make a profit for the arms dealing wing of his families businesses. Have him blame a terrorist attack on Malnomi. There are any number of motivations to go to war.
The magical artifact that can destroy said villain.
All of these things are either done to death, or lack depth and interest.

How and why is Claire captured by Agony. He's her boss.

Why doesn't Agony kill Sam and take the weapon? With a vastly superior army he certainly doesn't need to take the diplomatic route to taking over Malnomi by marrying her. He can just go the iron fist route.

Put as much effort into the rest of the characters as you have into the priest. That character sounds like he could have an interesting back story and a non revenge/generic hero/generic villain based motivation. As a minor point, I wouldn't describe the priest as a gay undead alcholic priest though, it sounds a bit like you're trying too hard to be wacky or shocking, which could put some people off. You wouldn't descrive an overworked gay alcholic bank manager like that. They would be a bank manager, who happened to be overworked, gay, and alcholic.


Actually, it's more like "the good guy who turns out to be the bad guy who turns out to be the good guy."
Agony's invading Malnomi so that he can have absoloute control. Not for selfish reasons, mind you, but so when 'it' happens (it's got something to do with the sin and saint stones...) he would be able to just do things rather than squabble with the Malnomi government.

After all, 'united we stand, divided we fall...'

Sam isn't intentionally trying to hide the fact that she's the princess. She's just used to the fact that everyone knows who she is. Indeed, many of the people she meets DO know her. You just don't realize it for a while. And the sword she carries is just a really high-quality sword. It's got no effect on Agony's 'evil aura' because he HAS no 'evil aura.' The only reason she's away from her home is because she is the most talented swordsman in the kingdom.

Agony, on the other hand, is intentionally hiding his identity from everyone, for two main reasons:

A) He just left the Imperial Palace without telling anyone. He's done this quite a few times and every time he's had to be forcefully dragged back to Krymzom.

B) He's searching for people with talent (in other words, the PCs). If everyone knew who he was, then they would likely attack him. He's not too popular outside of Krymzom.

He's got absoloutely no intention of marrying Sam. He wants to recruit her. He doesn't even know who she is when he meets her - he only sees her potential (During the Emperor's initiation ceremony, the emperor is blessed with the ability to see a person's inner potential, thus preventing inept people from gaining power).

Also, he has a special artifact - an Anklet of Immortality. This makes the wearer immortal, unless the wearer's heart is destroyed. Like a vampire. It uses a bit of fuel, though, and it needs LOTS of this fuel to keep running after the wearer's meant to be dead of old age.

He's not the son of the last Emperor - the heir to the Empire is chosen and then trained by the Emperor. Agony's an orphan - the only survivor of a pirate raid on an unfamiliar ship. (Really a passenger ship from a highly-advanced continent far to the north - it was attacked by demons, which are the minions of one of the mage in the sinstone - more on that later - who were targeting an Angel on the ship - Agony's parent's were just unlucky.) Harold Agony, a high renking officer in the military and Claire's soon-to-be-father, found the wreckage and Frederick, and decided to adopt him. Harold never hid the fact that Frederick was adopted. Eight years after he found Frederick and six years after Claire's birth, Harold was killed. The emperor, a kind and wise man, took Claire and Frederick in, seeing great promise in both.

Blah blah blah, some stuff happens...

Eventually, the aging emperor contracts a horrible and very painful disease. Due to his immortality, the emperor can't die and remains in agonising pain for days, eventually begging Agony, the chosen heir, to kill him. Agony initially refuses, because he cares deeply for the emperor, but eventually gives in, shooting the man in the heart. Agony gets very depressed after that and begins to wander away from the palace occasionally.

Then he starts to dabble in necromancy after he obtains a Necrominion(sp?) which is like a phone book of the dead. He soon learns about the sinstone and the saintstone and sets off to try and save the world...or, at least, his little slice of it.

And he 'captures' Claire to keep his disguise. Everyone thinks he's on Malnomi's side, and he can't have his disguise ruined by Claire, who was looking for him so she could take him home. When Claire is captured, the player is beginning to suspect that Agony was once in the Krymzom military. Claire comes awfully close to revealing his identity, so he's forced to keep her close by. He manages to convince the others that she's a very valuble hostage, thus keeping her alive.

The priest is alcoholic because it dims the pain in his heart....When he's tipsy, he's happy-go-lucky, but when sober, he's very grim. He's gay because he just is, and he's undead because he was EXTREMELY determined not to die when he did.

And I have developed many of the characters. I just haven't put the details on paper yet.

The REAL bad buys are the mages sealed within the stones. They eventually get free and begin to summon various minions to make war upon each other, and in doing so will destroy the surrounding area. Agony's mission is to prevent this occuring, or at least to soften the impact. Thus he's gathering a small group of highly talented individuals to try to take out the mages themselves. The mages transcend good or evil, and have one purpose only - kill the other mage.

I just glossed over the plot the first time. It's a rather complex story.

[Edited by - GairenKarrandeas on October 19, 2006 9:52:58 PM]

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Necrominion(sp?)

I think the word you're looking for is "Necronomicon"


Other than that, it sounds interesting. The cliches that seemed to crop up in the first post do seem to have a lot of thought behind them and are much better than what it seems at first glance.

I think your best step at the moment might be to write up character overviews and try to describe the characters and motivations without referencing the rest of the story, in order to really sort it out and make sure the internal motivations of characters are well defined. At the moment your descriptions seem to have a slight mish-mash where motivations and general story-line run into each other - not in a bad way, story-wise, just in a way that makes it a little confusing.

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Original post by GairenKarrandeas
ranging from an old soldier who fights alongside his two kids to a gay alcoholic undead priest.

Really, there IS a gay alcoholic undead priest in the game. But he's not THAT gay, mind you, he just likes men. Like men like women. And he has room for only one man in his life, but he died alongside the priest 400 years ago...


Dude I was taking you seriously until that point, and then I was like "wow this thing is hare-brained..."

Honestly though, I like it. Except I need to see it in full effect, with quality artwork and especially good music. Only you will really ever truly understand this vision, and as such only you can make it as it should be made. Make it.

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I am. In RPG Maker 2000 (coz I lack any real programming skills...*sadface* (maybe I'll post something aboot this in Help Wanted...)). And I'm also working on a character listing. It'll be long, coz there's more than 20 characters, but I'll get it done.

I hope.


And would you believe that I've only been working on this for about 3 or 4 weeks, and it's not even my best story?

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bah on rm2k, does anyone even play 2k games anymore. Best bet is to hit XP and try to implement something unique to your game in storyline as well as gameplay. There are plenty of RPGM forums where you could easily find a free-for-hire programmer/scriptor and artists to make custom things for your game. All you have to do is entice enough people with the storyline and STICK TO IT! Too many Rpg Maker games fall apart just because people are too lazy or hit a bump in the road and quit. I really hate when a good story goes to waste like that. Anyways, good lu'k!

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