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Storyline for new game (will not take forever to read i promise)

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Adriac    100
My storyline is based in a medieval-fantasy world For an impossible length of time a seemingly impossible to end war between Padale and his angelic army has fought Troas and his demonic army. The two gods always have been determined to destroy the other, one day, the only recorded in their history besides the start of their war, Padale created a new world and covered in in land and then put oceans and oother water systems in it, he slowly and secretly built it up until he was ready to populate it with a new creation, Humans. The humans were given three gifts, intelligence, the knowledge of warcraft, and the knowledge of economy. Humans quickly learned that wood from trees and furs from animals could make godo shelter. They used sharpened stones to slowly and painfully cut down trees and made spears for hunting. Troas soon discovered their existence and copied the human, his had a mind of destruction and death. Both communities slowly built up and advanced. The leader elected by the tribe of Padale's humans was Atriax Veras and he named the small village after himself, it was named Veras. The son of Atriax wandered off at age 22 in a hunt with the newly made bow and his spear and knife. He wandered all the way around the world and found the community made by Troas, it was named after the god. He was immediately corrupted by Troas, his name was Sadrac Veras and he became the leader of the village. Soon Padale grew tired of Troas interfering with his new world, he created Elves whom he made graceful and highly intelligent. The Elves were sent in a force of 230 very soon to attack the village but succumbed to the corrupton on the way and became Dark Elves. The remaining few Elves became Moon Elves in honor of the name of the army that went to Troas, The Moon Raider Knights. Orcs were made as killing machines and caused much destruction in the second village of the humans named Padale after their god, it was in the mountains 300 miles north and conencted by a small dirt road to Veras. Padale created the hardy Dwarves to combat with Orcs and the short but powerful brutes often defeated the less than intelligent creatures. The first settlement of the Dwarves was called Steelhammer Hall after their leader Vazar Steelhammer who died in battle. His friend Nalsan Stoneax took the throne and was overthrown by a lost son of Vazar, Gradas Steelhammer. Halflings came into existence when a magical backup during the creation of dwarves. They were less strong and less hardy. Many were taken by Troas to join his Unholy Ranks. Centaurs were made when Padale made horses, he accidentally hit a human family with the spell and created a half man half horse. Troas also made the same mistake when he tried to make bulls as the mounts of Trosites as they were called. A large half bull half man creature was made and the species was copied to make new races. Krin, tall lizardmen, and Shral, snakemen, were created as experiments of Troas. Krin actually turned to Padale and became primary enemies of Shral. Soon a major war on the world of Aethak was brewing and the Heavens War became much heavier. Please give your honest feedback. [Edited by - Adriac on November 7, 2006 6:49:16 PM]

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KidAero    122
Yeah I know you want it to be short and everthing so people would read it thoroughly but if they can't understand it, then what good does it do you anyway. I tried following but it get's difficult in some spots with lack of periods, commas in incorrect places, and random sentence fragments dotting the piece. Word has a grammer editor too. Use that as well.

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jpetrie    13104
Technical issues aside, the first thing that springs to mind when I finish is:

"Okay, and then...?"

It just seems like background story and doesn't tell me much about what the actual storyline that would play out during gameplay would be. If that's all you intended, fine, but it still leaves the reader pretty clueless at the end. Okay, so you have the good guy's village, and the bad guy's village. And they're related. Now what?

As to the quality of the material itself: I agree that phrases like "impossible length of time" and "seemingly impossible" (too much use of 'impossible,' by the way) make the material sound rather trite and, due to their outlandish nature, detract from the readers' ability to take you seriously.

You seem to focus on details that are irrelvant -- age 22, 230 elves, 300 miles -- that don't add a whole lot, while quietly skipping over things are potentially vastly more interesting, such as why these two gods are fighting. "They want to destroy eachother," isn't enough (it feels like a cop-out).

You seem like you're trying to explain the History of Everything -- how the world came to be, how it came to be populated -- all that is great, but it's really not neccessarily required of your backstory unless it will directly related to the so-called "frontstory" that an end user sees. Especially since your creationist mythos is rather dull: "Padale created a world and some humans. Then the bad guy copied him." The interesting issue you should explore is why, and if you can't come up with an interesting reason that can relate to your frontstory, it isn't neccessarily important. Why, for example, did Padale, presumably so busy making war on Troas, stop to spend time making some podunk little world and populate it with some podunk little race who are (apparently) very easily "corrupted" by his mortal enemy and consequently certainly of no military value whatsoever?

Likewise, why the elves? Why the dwarfs? What purpose do they serve in the grand scheme of these two dualing dieties? As an aside: "EGOD" (elves, goblins, ogres/orcs and dwarves) is terribly cliche; there's really no reason you can't use different races. But that's just my opinion.

The closing sentences seem, additionally, very rushed, almost as if they're afterthoughts.

Overall, I certainly don't mean to be harsh (and if I came off that way, I apologize), but it just seems that, as a creationism story it's rather weak and uncompelling, and as a backstory to a larger plot its insubstantial and might not even be neccessary. You don't always need to be able to explain how a world came to be to set a story in it.

The opening is the best, content-wise and as a draw for the reader. If you decide you still need this level of background content, I would begin revisions from there and scrap the majority of the latter quarter. You have a decent start at getting the reader hooked in the beginning if you reduce some of the gratitious langauge (the "impossible" bits) and perhaps clarify some motivations.

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