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avib

Criticisms on our First Act

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Hi! This is my first post on the forums, but I've been a long time lurker and I like what I've seen of the community. Anyways, I'd really like criticisms on what will hopefully eventually be the first installation of a three-part video game, the first act of the story, if you will. Below you will find a short synopsis as well as a link to the full treatment. It's pretty long. Beware! Synopsis: You play Adams, a lonely young man whose boring life is about to get very, very bizzare. Late one night, a spaceship crashes into your vegetable garden, and when you go out to investigate, you are confronted by a young woman, the pilot of the craft, who asks for your help in recovering the rest of her companions. However, it seems you are not the only one interested in the crash, as you are soon confronted by the QGI, a questionable government initiative devoted to documenting and developing interworld transportation systems. They take the pilot captive. Meanwhile, thier director, a friendly but somewhat evil man, is also interested in your services. Both the pilot and the director ask you to examine the signals on three worlds scattered throughout the multiverse. Once you have explored them thouroughly and have decided whom to help, the pilot escapes, heading towards a fourth signal. On this fourth world is where the final confrontation takes place; having discovered the remainder of the pilot's companions, the director is betrayed by his organization, and both he and the pilot fight against the remainder of the QGI. End part one of three. And the Treatment. clicky Anyways. There's a lot more to the story than what I've included here, but we're focusing on the first game for now, hoping to get that made before moving on with the rest of the story. I'd like general comments and criticisms, anything that you think would help to make our story deeper, more immersive, more compelling. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and thanks! ~avib

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Thanks Borkhan. Legitimate concerns. I'm not sure if reading the whole treatment would answer your questions, but the "ship" that crashes is really only part of a ship (think Donnie Darko), which is not alien at all, but is in fact human - from an alternate universe (I know). The ship and the worlds are meant to be played off as "alien" in the begining, though they are in fact infinite variations of good old planet earth. I hope that helped.

As for the rest of you, do you think it's perfect? If not, tell me! Even if you didn't get through the treatment tell me why: I want your input so I can improve.

~Avib

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What if I told you I had a game that involved:
Aliens from another dimension
Oppressive 1984-style government
Zombies
and the Classic Rebel alliance

Yet Half-life 2 is one of the leading games of the year.

Now, I am not by any means comparing my story to that of Half-Life 2 ;) - what I'm saying, is that what makes unoriginal concepts unoriginal is not how used they really are, but instead, how they work and are put together. I would greatly appreciate it if you could tell me what about our concepts doesn't work, so that we can make this a story you would enjoy.

~avib

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