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spectre1890

Mjolnir Novelization - Need Feedback!

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spectre1890    122
This is a small novelization of my upcoming first-person shooter project, Operation Mjolnir, occuring several days after the largest battle of a war between the Coalition of Sovereign Nations (human) and the Silurian Empire (alien); this mission takes place after the main character, Captain Samuel Lawson, lands on Siluria, is captured by Imperial troops, and freed two days later by a revolutionary faction native to the planet. What I'm looking for is a good, honest interpretation of my writing style, and what I can improve on before actually going ahead and finishing this first chapter. ---- Captain Samuel Lawson looked into the eyes of the so-called revolutionary officer with a mix of disbelief and disgust. “Assistance?” he said, in a low, yet edgy tone. The revolutionary nodded slowly, and bowed to his feet. “We would be more than glad to assist you and your men in escaping this place before your comrades leave you behind. However, the journey to Mount Karazhan will be long and difficult, requiring several passes through Imperial bases. I hope you’re up to it, Captain.” One of Lawson’s sergeants walked up to the revolutionary with an aggressive gait. “Don’ you talk tough to the Cap’n. He could kick yer ass up that mountain in ‘is sleep.” The sergeant continued to walk forward; Lawson put his hand out to stop him. “Carpenter,” he whispered, just low enough for the man to hear. The sergeant growled, almost inaudibly, as Lawson continued. “Apologies,” the Captain said to the revolutionary. “Shall I have five minutes to prepare my men?” “Absolutely, comrade. We will protect you in the meantime. One more thing: let me introduce myself.” The Silurian walked within range of Lawson and put out a hand, as if he had never had an opportunity to perform the gesture before. Lawson shook the alien’s hand with exaggerated enthusiasm. “Commander Kolmak, my friend,” the alien said, before he released Lawson’s wrist and stepped back. Thirty minutes later, Kolmak and his men were riding along in front of Lawson’s fleet of contraband Imperial tracked scout vehicles, waving their top turrets to and fro. Bridge after crumbling bridge, they made their way through the jungles of Siluria without incident, until they found a pair of guard towers on either side of the road. Kolmak’s egg-shaped head appeared on the communications panel of Lawson’s vehicle. “Captain, please tell your men to stay quiet and refrain from firing. Your vehicles have been lined with lead – they will not be able to detect you as humans, for the time being. Hopefully, we can pass this checkpoint without incident. “Our first combat task will be about 30 kilometers ahead. They have a vital supply depot in a jungle clearing – something we, and the Resistance, require. If we can capture this depot, my comrades will be able to hold out against the Empire until the Coalition crushes their army. From there, the revolt will be complete.” Lawson, who had been listening absent-mindedly, nodded. “Of course, Commander.” “Until then, Kolmak out.” Another eternity later, the convoy stopped abruptly at a wall. Kolmak opened a channel with Lawson; this time, he was truly concerned. “Unload your men quickly and quietly on my command. Take cover, but keep your vehicles piloted. They will become useful in a very short time.” Lawson cursed and grabbed his carbine from the floor. He opened the small hatch leading to the troop bay. “You heard the man. Get ready to fight.” Sergeant Carpenter loaded a shotgun shell into the first of his two combat revolvers. “Ready, sir.” “Get real, Sergeant,” Lawson said in a pained voice. “Stop acting like a bad-ass and use your M11.” Sergeant Carpenter huffed in frustration and picked up the small rifle. “Yes, sir,” he said in a low grumble. The others readied their weapons wordlessly, allowing the silence to put a period to Captain Lawson’s words. Kolmak appeared one last time. “Mark!” Lawson sprang into command. “Petersen, pilot this thing.” One of the corporals in the platoon moved to the cockpit while the others piled out. A crowd of men separated into two teams and diffused into the vale surrounding them. Lawson, who took cover under a fallen tree with his M11, took aim at one of the Imperial officers. Two quick shots to the chest dropped the alien, and the others in the center of the base took cover near a flag. Lawson turned to the two machine gunners to his flanks. “Light ‘em up!” he whispered loudly. The only reply was a fusillade of gauss slugs flying into the area, killing all to the perimeter of the flag. The staccato firing of the scout vehicles was still audible as Kolmak made his way underground to the depot.

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spectre1890    122
Seeing how you eviscerated my last attempt at posting, I'm not too sure how to react, especially assuming I'm taking writing advice from someone with a passing ability in English and a rating at 0.

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