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Second Scene, need Criticism

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I posted a previous scene from a side project I'm working on away from Force of Arms www.forceofarms.com Called a Tale of Vengence a couple months back http://www.gamedev.net/community/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=414337&whichpage=1� and I thought I'd put up another scene to see what kind of reaction it gets. I have a background in writing and graduated from The Second City Chicago. Any block of text that describes the action going on usually means that the character will be in control, fighting, sneaking, whatever is necessary to make his/her way out. Setting: Sci-Fi futuristic, complete with nano-technology (hence the forearm bands) Somewhat post-punk due to the poverty levels of the non-patricians (aristocratic party) Yet still contains a futuristic splendor of Rome, complete with Colliseums (you can be a gladiator) and large temples, palaces, and the like. To recap the first scene: A group of thieves were sitting around a table planning a score, they were broken up by the Praetorians (police) and split up. This scene follows the flight of Scipio, the main character, and Diana, a fellow thief, as they try to get to the rendevousz point. TRAVEL TO TEMPLE OF QUIRINUS - CONTINUOUS Scipio and Diana make their through a twisted shantytown, pieced together with scraps of metal, wood, stone, and interlaced with shoddy lighting. Small neon lit signs flash on and off vying for potential customers. The sounds of Speed Trains in the distance can be heard. SHOT: ALLEY Diana and Scipio weave there way through an alley, eventually coming to a large, abandon church that looks out of place from the rest of the shanty town. It is made entirely of wood and marble, "Jupiter Lives" is sprayed across the boarded up front door. DIANA I used to pray to Jupiter here. I prayed for hope. Do you believe Scipio? SHOT: FLASHBACK A younger Scipio, bloodied and on his knees is screaming in agony. A hot sword is pressed on his arm, sounds of breaking glass and fire can be heard in the background. SHOT: ALLEY SCIPIO I have to. A tall, lanky man approaches from behind, draped in a black cloak. His left eye is white. METCAIS I believe as well. SCIPIO Metcais. METCAIS 'Ello Scipio. Diana. I believe you have somethin' that belongs to me. The plans, if you'd be so kind? SCIPIO You couldn't even use them. You'd be in way over your head. METCAIS I disagree. I'll be sure to give you and your brother a few dinars outta the loot for going through all the trouble of gettin' the security passwords and such. Now be a good lad and hand them over. DIANA Come and get them. METCAIS Oh, you always make things so much fun. SCIPIO Cutting out your eye was a lot of fun last time. METCAIS I'll be sure to return the favor times two. A group of men come up behind Metcais and immediately attack Scipio and Diana. Scipio hits a button on his armband and the hilt of a blade shoots into his hand. He flicks his wrist and a blade, two feet long and three inches wide projects out of the hilt. SCIPIO Let's go. Scipio and Diana attempt to fend off Metcais men but are eventually overwhelmed. Metcais walks over to Diana and hooks up a small machine to her arm. He presses a button and downloads the plans. DIANA Bastard. METCAIS Don't worry, I'll be sure to buy you a round next time we see each other eh'? Unfortunately Scipio won't be seein' much. As Metcais brings his blade towards Scipio's eye the Praetorians enter the alleyway. TIRALI Hold it! You are all under arrest for treason! Metcais turns to see who is speaking, Scipio and Diana break free from their captures and begin to flee. SCIPIO Get on my back! DIANA No! It's too soon! You're body won't be able to handle the stress of another infusion! The church! Scipio and Diana both break through the windows of the abandon church. Meanwhile, Metcais and his men are fighting off the Praetorians. Scipio and Diana look behind them, seeing the Praetorians finishing the remainders of Metcais's men. The church is dark, with holes in the tall roof in which the moon shines through. Stairs on the opposite end of the church lead up to an alter and a figure of Jupiter. The figure stands twelve feet tall with a long flowing beard, holding a lighting rod and a staff. DIANA Towards the end of the Jupitorian Reformation my brother helped build a secret escape route for the priests in case of trouble. SCIPIO Great. Where? DIANA He never told me. We have to hurry. After searching the church, Scipio and Diana find the switch for the escape route.[Insert Puzzle here] The back pew slides down and forms a set of stairs. Scipio and Diana enter the Catacombs. Soft red lights illuminate the passageways made of nothing more than dirt and occasional wooden supports. As Scipio and Diana begin to move into the catacombs, the door to the church can be heard breaking open. TIRALI Spread formation. Find them! Scipio looks around. SCIPIO This place is a maze, how the hell are we going to find our way out? DIANA If we keep moving we'll find a way. Diana hits a button on her wrist band and the band lights up a bright yellow. SCIPIO Wow. Can mine do that? Diana hits a button on Scipio's band and once again the band lights up a bright yellow. DIANA Now do you wish you would've sat down with me and gone over the functions of your armband? SCIPIO If I knew how to use these as well as you then we wouldn't get to spend so much quality time together. Scipio and Diana continue to wander aimlessly through the catacombs as Praetorians begin to file in the secret passageway in search of them. As Scipio and Diana get closer to the exit of the Catacombs the walls change from plain dirt to metallic murals showing the building of the church, its completion, and protruding faces of each of the head priests over its five hundred year history. As Diana and Scipio head up the stairs Scipio glances at the last of the faces. It is only half carved. Scipio stops and stares intensely. SHOT:FLASHBACK Publius is sitting in a beautiful man-made grotto with a young boy. PUBLIUS Gods and government do not make Romanium. Romanium, is in here. (Publius points to the young boy's heart) Governments may subject you, chains may bind you, fate may control you, but a man with hope in his heart will always be free. SHOT: EXITING THE CATACOMBS Scipio catches up with Diana, who is a few steps ahead. SCIPIO Thank the gods I knew how to use these armbands to get us out of that one huh? Diana ignores Scipio as she pushes open the door and enters a storage room. Scipio follows. SCIPIO So how do I turn this off? Diana hits the button on Scipio's armband. DIANA If you're supposed to be the brother with the brains than I feel sorry for Lunz. SCIPIO No, I'm just the handsome one. DIANA Now I feel even worse for Lunz. Where are we? Scipio looks at one of the boxes. SCIPIO Hercules and Hydra. Damn, looks like those Priests of Jupiter knew how to have a good time. We're at the end of the slums, the Sabine sector should be just east of here. DIANA This exits to a brothel? SCIPIO (As if correcting) Bath and Entertainment Center. I could use a good rub down after all that's happened so far tonight. You with me? DIANA I'll pass. SCIPIO I always knew you liked it dirty. Diana slaps Scipio. SCIPIO You really need to stop doing that. DIANA You and I don't have time for a good rub down. We have to get to the rendezvous point. Aren't you the least bit concerned about your brother? SCIPIO He's fine. Terra will take care of him. DIANA What about Argenta? SCIPIO She's invisible. I've come to the realization that invisible people are usually hard to capture. DIANA Let's go. SHOT: TIRALI AND METCAIS Metcais is cuffed, hands behind his back, on his knees in the alley. Tirali stands over him. TIRALI Your associates, where were they going? METCAIS To the orphanage to donate money to all them poor Iroquois children. Good souls they is. Tirali hits Metcais in the face with the front of her arm cannon. TIRALI Once again, where are you're friends going? METCAIS They ain't my friends alrig't? I don't know where they's goin', I don't even know em'. TIRALI You have a layout of a building on your data holder, downloaded from those accused of treason. What building is this? Tirali pulls out a small datapad and projects the image of the architectural layout of Diocletian's temple. METCAIS It's me dream 'ome love. Right above the 'ills of Ol' Rome I'm plannin on puttin' it. Maybe have a couple little ones runnin' around, a dog, a wife or two, nothin' too extraordinary. I just... Tirali cuts Metcais off by kicking him in the stomach and then hitting him in the face with her arm cannon. Metcais screams in pain as blood flows from a cut above his eye. TIRALI You're thieves code won't save you from any of the pain I'll bestow upon you if you don't tell me what I need to know. METCAIS Alrig't! Alrig't! The truth is, it's a plan to me new Praetorian theme brothel and bath 'ouse. 'ey, you're quite the looker, lookin' for a change in careers love? (laughs) Tirali laughs, then raises her arm cannon and shoots Metcais in the stomach. Metcais screams in pain. METCAIS You bitch! TIRALI (To the other Praetorians) Take him in, get him patched up, and we'll begin interrogation.

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