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Pitch Black (scene 1 and 2)

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Please read and say what you think Location: Ancient Egypt. A great battle is seen. Large ancient Egyptian army battles what seem to be shadow monsters. The pharaoh is seen leading the attack on an unknown tall shadow creature. "This is your last! Oh terrible Amon! This day the shadow will fall and the light will triumph!" "Pitiful creatures that stand in the light. Looking for nonexistent gods to help them. I am far from fallen." "I today will see your corps terrible Amon." *A rolling evil laughter* "We shall see about that wretched man." As the night comes the battle is not more than a dust cloud. The shadow creatures the army was fighting are all defeated. And the humans, now less in numbers, stand in front of the great shadow monster. "Your armies have fallen oh terrible Amon. And now we will stop you for all eternity!" "Pitiful words will not bring me down wretched man." "Perhaps not. But a prison could hold you. We have made sure you will not escape your prison." "No man made prison can hold me back! The shadows will rise again!" "Not while we are alive. Priests! Bring the light stones!" As the pharaoh finished his command 3 Egyptian priests carrying 3 beautifully curved diamonds walk forward. The put the rocks on the ground before the Pharaoh and begin to pray. The Pharaoh also begins to pray, in different words. "He who came from shadows by light will be defeated." "He who came from shadows by light will be defeated." "Yes! God of the light! Of life and sun! Give us the power to defeat this monster! This demon on your lands destroys and kills. Give us the light to bring it down!" As the prayers go on a great ray of light is fired from the sky on the shadow monster. The ray affect makes the monster become quiet and sleepy. As he fall a sleep a diamond made cage is created around him. Deflecting the sun light to be the same as the ray of light. As the spell is finished the cage is formed and the shadow monster has retreated into a black egg like shape. It is closed inside the cage. Just after the Pharaoh commands the cage to be taken to where it would be left forever a last ray of shadows penetrates the cage from the black egg like shape and hits the pharaoh. As it slowly enters his body his eyes turn black and he speaks, in the monsters voice. "No prison will hold me forever wretched man. But for poisoning me with light I shall take away your life and leave you as a standing rock. One day I will return. And none of you will be here to cage me again." As the pharaoh laughs with the monster's voice his legs turn to stone. Than his body and hands and last his head, stopping the laughter. One of the priests speaks. "Great powers this demon has. It was expected not all of us would make it alive. Dig deep and throw this cage under the ground. And never open his hole." More than four thousand years later. Location: Modern Sahara desert. An archaeological discovery of a huge unknown cave dating back to ancient Egypt is found. Paintings on the sides of the cave, almost perfectly preserved seem to speak of a story. A story where light triumphs over darkness and locks it for good. As the elite archaeologist arrive the site they find a huge door inside the caves. All await his orders. "Well what are you waiting for? Open this god forsaken door!" "Rupert we don't know what is behind it. The paintings of this cave. They speak of a great darkness. A demon or god that was never known before in ancient Egypt." "Yes I know that Leonard. Are you afraid that some demon will jump at you?" "No Rupert. It just feels wrong." "That is why I'm here. No feelings needed when discovering the past. Now open it!" As the cranes push away the door a great burst of light is seen and than complete darkness. Nothing but two dim tiny blue lights is seen. "That is strange. All our flashlights are aiming inside. Yet nothing lights up. Perhaps there is too much dust and fog inside. Come on, don't be afraid. I'll go first." As Rupert enters the cave the two dim blue lights begin to move towards him. He aims his flashlight at the blue lights but no light is produced. He quickly notices that after he entered the cage he cannot see anything but the dim blue lights, not even the entrance. It's complete darkness. "Can someone help me find the door? There isn't any light here!" Suddenly a deep dark voice emerges. It says something in ancient Egyptian at start but than speaks fluent English. "Yes. I know. That is how I like it" A scream is heard from inside the cave as everyone look in fear as the two dim blue lights move faster towards them. "Wretched and foolish species you are. Freeing your greatest nemesis." As the blue dim lights comes right near the cave's entrance the whole caves go dark. Everyone run and hit each other and walls as more and more screams fill the room. From the outside of the cave system black clouds begin to fill the skies. People rush to their tents and cars to hide from the expected sudden rain. But no drops fall down. The sun is soon blocked and a shadow emerges from the cave. Than the screen goes black. As only two dim blue lights are seen. "Fools. This world belongs to me."

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The majority of Egyptian ideas I have ever seen or read have revolved around mummies or other undead things. So kudos right off the bat for not doing that.

In the way of your actual idea, I think it is awesome. But to be honest, Amon used the word 'wretched' to much.

The ray affect makes the monster become quiet and sleepy. As he fall a sleep a diamond made cage is created around him. Deflecting the sun light to be the same as the ray of light...

I am not entirely sure what you meant here. Is the diamond cage altering the Sun's light to make it the same as the God's light? The problem there is that this takes place at night so the Sun isn't up. Also, when they place the cage under ground, couldn't Amon just break out? The light isn't shining on him anymore.

One way to solve this is to have the diamond cage trap the God's light inside so it is constantly reflecting off the walls and thusly constantly hitting Amon. Then, years later when they open the cage, a bright flash of light will come out of the room before it is completely black.

This seems like a great introduction movie to a video game. Have you come up with any other ideas for it? Like anymore story or any game play ideas?

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1)He is buried under tons and tons of ground in some secret chamber.

2) It wasn't at night, Amon... Makes shadows. It was day time. I should add that as he gets weakened the light comes back.

I like your idea of caging the light for a while... Good. Thought I did add he became a black egg thingy - blocking him from doing... well anything.

And yes. The idea is much more. It has developing characters from around the world discovering they have certain abilities (from the ability to know everything someone you stand in front of knows (thats how Amon learned English) to the ability to speak all languages to the ability to disintegrate stuff...) As some of them band together under the leadership of a guy who got the ability to know future possibilities while others get killed by Amon while he rebuilds his empire.

And Amon itself, Well, he isn't some Demon but an alien from another planet where the sentients started getting powers (his power was the ability to know future plans which allowed him to do stuff and to get the power to create darkness and shadows... bla bla bla). He was defeated there and ran away to Earth, and Ancient Egypt had help in defeating him while modern Earth has the awakening of the powers.

I also have an ending :) Which would be cool and a good opening for a sequel story :p

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You know, I didn't even think about the fact that he was buried underground. So that makes sense now.

The rest of the stuff you wrote...

Amon being an alien, the developing of powers, I did not see ANY of that coming. I thought this was going to be a man vs. supernatural conflict. Not a super-man vs. super-alien conflict.

In my opinion, that is awesome. In my eyes, this is an awesome story and I'd love to hear more (if you don't want to post it where ever one can see it, you can just PM me).

What kind of game would this be? (i.e. First Person Shooter, Adventure, Side-scroller, ect)

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Well since I don't know how to make games, this may be more of a movie thing than a game thing in which case I have the next two scenes...
Thought I really would like it to be a game one day :)

The game would be an adventure where you play one character through levels and as the story unfolds more characters are met that you can switch to and play as from than forward, or keep your own character. The Choosing of characters will also influence the story (if you drop a character it may get killed...).

I guess it is supernatural since the powers while not having proper "gods" do have entities (at least some of the powers do) that wish to do something or to keep the current balance. (Major example is that darkness and shadows want all light gone... While light doesn't mind the shadows so it's not a entity you will ever meet unless light is really threatened). This entities thought are not necessarily "supernatural" as they occurred naturally in space as it was formed...

This would be the next two scenes leading to the USA and to the first level that would be the Brazilian and French dudes looking for that woman (while Amon is building his empire and hunting down empowered humans)Oh and I may add I also thought that the longer it takes you to finish the game, the more damage Amon does to this world. BTW his full name is 'Amon A Nora' (which means the terrible amon in Hebrew). Scene 3 and 4:

January 5, 2010. Location: An apartment in Brazil. We look at a small room with a young man lying on bed. He is in his seventeen's. His room his small, nothing more than a bed and a small closet without doors.
*Translated from Portuguese *
"Sweetie. Good morning. It's School time!"
"Leave me alone mom"
"Get you ass off that bed before I bring down the door."
"Fine. Shish."
As the young man comes out of his bed wearing only pants right now he walks to his closet and takes a white t-shirt out. Puts it on when suddenly he hears his mom screams from outside.
*Translated from Portuguese *
"*scream* Adrian help!"
"Mom what's going on?!" Adrian yells as he rushes through the door seeing another man, not much older than him standing in front of his mom.
*Translated from French*
"Leave me mom alone you sonofa"
"How can you talk French freak!?"
*Translated from Portuguese*
"Adrian? What did you just say?"

Adrian is scared by the fact he just spoke fluent in a language he never knew. But that doesn't stop home from lifting a flower vase and throwing at the guy assaulting his mother. The vase almost hits the guy when he lifts his arm and the vase disintegrates. The mother runs behind Adrian as he prepares for the guy to attack.
"So you are the guy I'm supposed to meet. Well. Now you know you can't touch me. I never meant to attack your mother. I was just asking about you! I don't have the power to know all languages!"
"Know all languages? Get out of my house and we will talk" *Portuguese* Mom he just wanted to talk with me. He somehow seem to know why I can talk his language.

The Guy leaves the house and after him Adrian. The Mother walks slowly towards a chair in the small kitchen and sits. We now move outside the house as the French guy sits on a bench waiting for Adrian.
"I'm Pier. You can call me Dust."
"Yes I know he told me who you are. So you got any guesses how you can speak French?"
"Who's he? And no I got no idea."
"He is Robert. He contacted me from the USA a few days ago. You heard of the black clouds in Egypt? Well he called me right on the day I found out I can break stuff into pieces. He told me that whatever is doing the black clouds will come to me and you first."
"The black clouds? I'm sorry I didn't hear about it. I didn't read a newspaper for a few months now. We're poor, no money for you."
"I thought everyone heard about it. Well he said he will call the second I find you…"
Before he finishes his sentence Robert's cell rings.
"Freak. How you always find my number?"
-blubber from the cell.
"Take him to the USA? What you think I'm made of money?"
"Ok, fine. I'll take him to the USA. But you pay for it all. And it's first class!"
"Good… So I finally go to meet the mystery man?"
"What? Find a woman now?"
"Weird. But fine. So what will happen to…"
Again before finishing a scream is heard through the phone.
"What just happened to him!?"
"I don't know man. But he gave me instructions. We should probably follow. This guy seems to know everything"

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I know I've said this a couple of times now, but I love this story. You are very talented at making diverse ideas. By that I mean that your game isn't just one group of people who are from the same place. You are taking people from various cultures and throwing them together. (Kind of makes me think of the show Heroes, if you've ever seen it.)

Also the fact that you have a background for each of your characters (Adrian is poor so he never heard of the Cloud over Egypt.

Honestly, I can't think of anything to add or critique. I guess you're just going to have to keep posting until I do. :D

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Well since it's a computer game in plans... I can't write too much story. I could write some sketch for the first missions (as Adrian, who is the main character).

Yeah I see Heroes, and yes it does suddenly remind me of that, I thought someone may say I'm copying :p.

And well, no reason why all empowered humans would come fro one spot... You should see where the guy in the last movie for the game comes, and whats his power ;)

And I'll write a sketch for the first missions :) It won't take too long.

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Ok this are the first two levels and a few extra movies. In this levels you will learn controls and how to use hints and the environment on the first level, and how to use environment more deeply and fighting in the second level.

First level – Nurit

Scene begins in Miami, next a mall near the beach. Adrian and Pier talk in French.
Pier: "Well freak. My English is bad and my accent is worse. I'll give you the address and you go find her."
Adrian: "But I know nothing of this place. And stop calling me a freak."
"You're funny man. Well Neither do I that’s why He gave me instructions. She's in that mall. Third floor, black long air, looks kind of Jewish, you know?"
"Yeah. And her name is Nurit. She is here to sale cosmetics and makes money to start well back in Israel. She has no idea she is going to meet you."
"Fine, fine. This mall looks empty doesn't it?"
"Who cares, I'll be on the beach, the French guy all the girls are around of"
"Ok. I'll go."

Adrian enters the mall while Pier goes to their rented car and drives away. Adrian sees the mall from the inside is huge but somewhat quiet. Somewhat dark.

You need to move across a few corridors and ask people about Nurit. You find she really does work in third floor selling cosmetics. You go to the elevator. While going up you hear a weak voice in your ear.
"You're too late".
You now need to run across the few stores in your way when you see Nurit being taken to the side by a tall dark man. You need to run towards her while jumping above obstacles that suddenly appear around you as you quickly reach Nurit and the guy in the bathrooms. You hear her screaming and need to rush faster as the walls around you twist and turn. You see Nurit on the floor still alive kicking the legs of the dark man.
"You're too late. Whoever you are, I work with Amon. And you're out of the mall."
Nurit than answers by canceling all the illusions this guy does as she calls to you.
"Take me out of here! It will take him seconds to regain his senses!"
You feel dizzy and the whole screen shakes and is blurry (her power affected you too) but in that you need to walk to her and carry her out. One of her legs is bleeding.

Next movie: (all in English)
Nurit: "Thank you Adrian".
Adrian: "You know my name too?"
"Yes He called me and told me the French guy would send you to get me, even thought he would probably have been much more helpful in this…"
"Yeah, he can break stuff. I can only speak many languages, how good will that do."
"Well than you need a weapon. He told me to buy one…"
"You know what He's name? I'm sick of calling him 'He'".
"Hmm Well He didn't say. But we need to get out of here now; the French guy is supposed to be waiting in a minute downstairs. He makes sure these things happen."
"I hope he is stronger than hot beach girls…" (rolls eyes)
(laughs a little) Ok before he wakes up, it's not easy holding his mind shut, he got some serious ability. Making Illusions be like reality. He is a risk we can't take by ourselves."
The two run downstairs but find Pier is not down there.
Adrian: "I guess hot girls are stronger after all…"
Nurit: "That means I'm dead."
"He's not here. He is supposed to save me…" suddenly her phone rings.
"Ok, go where?"
"Ok. Well Adrian He just gave me orders. I need to go and stop that lunatic if I want to live. You need to find Pier."
"But you will die."
"No. He said I could now find a way to control…"
"Aghhhh it hurts! My head!!!!"

Second level – Headaches

Nurit still stand with Adrian as he falls screaming with pain. A voice is head.
"Run girl. Before you kill everyone".
As she hears the voice she sees everyone in the streets screaming in pain and falling.

'What am I doing?!" Nurit starts running away in the streets as she sees everyone around her fall down with pain holding their heads. She knocks down someone she didn't notice.
"Hey girl, where's the fire?"
"How come you're not in pain???"
"No one is. What are you talking about?"
"What?! So what am I seeing?"
"No way. You're Nurit?!"
"Yes! Who are you???"
"Well he called me and told me to hold you here. I call myself 'Cancel'. He told me my ability is to cancel things. Personally I didn't believe him but he said some stuff that happened will happen, when he said I may die, I started listening. I'm canceling some dudes illusion, only on me thought."

Mission starts:
"Nurit where are you?"
Mission starts as Adrian stands in the Mall's bathrooms again. Everything is shadowy and blurry. Things appear in front of him, sharp knifes and heavy objects float everywhere. You need to slowly walk out of the bathroom without getting killed while getting your hands on a floating sharp object.
As you move back across the mall you see everyone is frozen in place while illusions continue to hunt you. Some people suddenly have doubles coming out of them to attack you. You need to move on to the first floor while fighting this illusions and escaping flying objects. As you reach first floor you see a giant man. The dark guy who tried to take Nurit is suddenly huge.

"Your little knife will hurt a giant?"
"It's worth the try"

As you fight and injure the giant a few times (dying is a loss which leads to a restart of this battle) he speaks again.

"You are better than Amon said. Seems like his own abilities are lying to him. Can you stab a metal object?" His body turns to complete metal and your knife is useless. You keep on fighting trying to use the environment on him. If the Illusion is real for you it must be for him too.
As you bring down stairs on him and make him drop from second floor down through the use of special markers that tell you where to be at certain times you make him fall down and break a bit of the metal.

"Aggghh! It pains!"

The blur slowly vanishes around you as he turns smaller and smaller. People around you start moving again as you see everything ruined is back to itself. The Knife thought remains in your hands somehow. You see the dark man lying down, bleeding a lot. No one seems to notice him. Suddenly smoke surrounds him and as it vanishes he is gone. Outside the mall windows you see Pier in the rented car. You see Nurit slapping him and a third guy laughing. You start moving outside.

### Character choosing screen ###
You get to choose between Pier, Cancel (his real name still unknown) and Adrian.

As phase two begins the first screen shows all four driving the car north after Pier finishing talking on the phone…

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I like it. Slowly adding characters, both good and bad.

I am visualizing the scenes where the dark man is messing with reality. Both running to save Nurit and fighting the man. Awesome. Having the screen blur and your character becoming dizzy is a really good idea that isn't used very often.

One thing, you should come up with a way of explaining the knife staying in Adrian's hand after the illusions disappear.

I really like the setup you have for the game, from what I know so far. The first two levels sound cool, albeit kind of short, and then picking characters and driving off...

Just as a little note, I like the names you are using. How do you come up with them?

~~And to anyone else who is reading these posts, give some input. Having multiple people sharing their views on your ideas is a good way to develop and improve them.~~

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Yeah I would like it if more people speak up...

The knife was never an illusion. Remember Adrian's and Nurit conversion? remember what she bought him? Thats whats in his hand.

Names.. Well Pier came from asking someone for a French name. Adrian, was just the first name I could think for a Brazilian (even thought it's not Brazilian :p) Nurit is a Israeli average name.

And yeah they are short, it's hard to give levels to someone with no influencing powers... He can just speak all languages... It will come to something eventually thought. And thats why he has a knife and later will have a gun or some other weapons. It would be awesome when playing Nurit would be allowed, her powers are to shut off thoughts - thus blocking mind work on whole areas rather then people. Their powers will grow and expand as time goes...

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