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Witch Hunter-Critics wanted

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Here is the first chapter and prologue of my new game, this post also includes some of the background aswell, also the rank systems. Witch-Hunter Background: - The world of Witch-Hunter is based in an alternative England. The world is shown in a steam punk style with dark elements. The presence of demons and monsters increases the universe while the Steam Punk part of it allows us to include some machinery such as robots and powered armour suits. Early precursor machine guns appear in Witch-Hunter as well. The player takes the role of Brother Mason, a junior Witch-Hunter. The Witch-Hunters are operatives of the Inquisition a force made by the church as the scourge of heretics and monsters. Before the game begins the Inquisition is recovering from several casualties after the Sabbath Wars, the largest war between Heretics and the Inquisition since the days of the Romans. At the time of the game the Inquisition is long past its golden age, with only few members and they have more enemies than ever. The Inquisition is divided into 2 different sections; the Demon Hunters and Witch Hunters. The Demon Hunters are all but extinct while the Witch Hunters still retain some power. Father Valentine; the current Grand Master of the Witch Hunters fought in the Sabbath wars alongside his long time companion and partner who went on to become the Grand Master of the Demon Hunters. The ranks of the Witch Hunters are as follows: 1. Neophyte 2. Apprentice 3. Acolyte 4. Adept 5. Knight 6. Crusader 7. Templar 8. Inquisitor 9. Mentor 10. Senior Inquisitor 11. Master 12. Throne 13. Grand Master Prologue: Inquisition and the Sabbath Wars. The game begins with a cinematic showing the Sabbath wars, and Father Valentine fighting alongside his best friend who would go on to become Grand Master Inquisitor of the Demon Hunters. The battle takes place in what appears to be a heavily scared version of the Tuscan country side. Demonic pillars scar the land, as Father Valentine and his fellow Witch hunters reach the top of the hill which the heretics where running down they see a village burning, Father Valentine looks up into the blackened sky. The smoke has grown so dense that nothing else can be seen but grey. The screen pans down to reveal a younger witch-hunter standing with a sword in hand; he adjusts his hat and smirks. More heretics are seen running towards the witch hunter; behind the witch hunter a few other witch hunters help him while soldiers in the back wait for orders. The Witch Hunter is revealed to be Lucius Cole a legendary witch hunter who disappeared after the war in the Erebus facility. The city he was fighting in was Paris. It then shows the world five years later, it’s recovering from the war, Paris is destroyed, the only thing remaining is the Eiffel Tower and several other buildings around it, presumably this was the place where the Witch Hunters used as their base. In London there is a large shine built as a mark of “Higher Protection” it is a statue depicting a seraph. The names of fallen Witch Hunters who died in the war are engraved onto the base of the statue. The Screen pans up to the statues face, it’s raining. Water is collecting in her eyes, a drop runs down her face, at the end of the introduction a whispering voice is heard saying “This is the end of us all” as the tear falls down the Seraph’s face. Chapter I: The Missing Brother. It is at this moment that the game truly begins. Brother Mason; the protagonist, awakes from a deep sleep. His brother Leo stands at the end of his bed. Brother Mason rises from the bed, Leo mentions that Brother Mason seemed to have a rough night. He tells Brother Mason that he needs to hurry if he is going to reach day-call (when masters assign their apprentices new missions). Brother Mason reaches the “circle” a large room where apprentices meet with their masters. Brother Mason and Leo talk to Master Vern, their mentor. He tells Leo his mission, Leo leaves, and then Master Vern continues on about Brother Mason’s mission. Brother Mason must find a missing Witch Hunter who went missing a few nights ago, he tells Brother Mason to ask around in “The Broken Drum”. Brother Mason makes his way to the Broken Drum in the Church district. Upon entering the Broken Drum you are given some sour attitudes from the patrons, mostly because of you’re a Witch Hunter. Brother Mason asks Albert about the missing Witch Hunter, Albert claims to know nothing, but he tells Brother Mason that some other people in the pub might know something about it. Brother Mason asks around but most people don’t bother talking to him; they believe he is scum sent to do “Holy” work that is really the work of the devil. This makes Brother Mason think about what he’s doing, is it the right thing? The people that do tell Brother Mason something don’t have much to tell, they tell of some “shadowy” occurrences at an abandoned apartment building. Brother Mason investigates further about the “shadowy” business. Brother Mason finds the location of the building; he can’t enter the building from the front because the doors locked. Brother Mason is forced to gain access through the still occupied apartment building next door. Brother Mason has to break into an apartment to gain entrance into the building next to it. The owner of the apartment isn’t home at the time, Brother Mason leaps across to the other window. This section of the game serves as a tutorial introducing stealth. Brother Mason sneaks past many guards to the top where their headquarters is based. As Brother Mason reaches the top he must steal some documents on the desk. Brother Mason escapes. The documents reveal information about a cult known as the “Prosperites” it also includes several alchemic diagrams and spells. Such information must be reported to Master Vern at once. Brother Mason returns to the Sanctuary where he tells Master Mason about his discoveries. Master Vern is concerned about the situation; he tells Brother Mason that he must investigate further. That is exactly what he does. Brother Mason is approached by an old man; he claims to know something about the Witch Hunter’s disappearance, he tells Brother Mason to meet him at the old abandoned carnival near the docks. Brother Mason accesses the docks from the carriage, when at the docks Brother Mason goes directly towards the carnival. When Brother Mason talks to the man at the carnival he is attacked by a solid grey figure, it is incredibly well built with spines coming out from his for arms. After Brother Mason defeats the creature he realises that the man has fled. Brother Mason continues to search for the man. Brother Mason witnesses a cloaked figure walk into the “Hall of Mirrors” he follows. Inside the mirrors project images of the old man, Brother Mason is guided by these images until he falls into a portal disguised as a mirror. Brother Mason finds himself in a surreal world, it has no definite shape or time period, so when he exits the world, if he can, he will not have aged at all and no time would have passed. Inside the world Brother Mason is attacked by things called Changelings, they too don’t have any set shape so they can be big, small, strong or fast, whatever they are they are a serious danger to Brother Mason. Another challenge that Brother Mason must pass is the ever changing world, obstacles can form and disappear. After finally reaching the core Brother Mason finds the old man, he has tricked Brother Mason, he transforms into Prospero, a wizened old warlock. Brother Mason fights Prospero; he must destroy the flying mana orbs that hold the world together. After destroying them Brother Mason goes for the final shot. Defeated, Prospero reveals the identity of the creature, its name was Caliban and it was an altered version of the Witch Hunter you were assigned to capture. In his dying breath he whispers he says the name “Jekyll”. Brother Mason, with his new gained information, makes his way back to the Sanctuary. He tells Master Vern about Prospero and his information. Master Vern is concerned; maybe this is becoming deeper that he could ever have imagined. Despite the situation, Master Vern is very impressed with your progress; he promotes you up a rank. Brother Mason is know an Acolyte, now he will have access to higher ranked missions, better experience points and new items. I would love for you to reply with feedback [Edited by - Tomothy_Mayhem on May 30, 2009 4:19:32 AM]

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Hi, you have a high cost design. I think the bottle-neck of your design is in the gameplay. But since this is not in the game design section, I don't know what kind of criticism you want. The reason is that any idea can succeed or fail depending on its execution. It is easier to common on what fits and what doesn't fit.

When you read a movie review, the critics are not commenting what whether an idea could or could not work, but whether the presentation is effective.

One quantity you could get however is whether people are attracted by the concept. To some people that is meaningless, because the designer will do whatever that pleases himselves. So the point of knowing the size of your audience could be moot.

In case you want that kind of feedback also, my response is that I am not part of your target audience because, to me, your game is not casual enough, and it does not provide any intellectual hook for me to want to know how the story would unfold. I know that some people died in your Prologue, but why would I care about that? It is fictional work, so if that was the hook, so that would be self-inflicted suffering. So I was not part of your audience.

Your design has a hook but I am not in that group. As you see this gets moot unless either you define your target audience, or until someone who is hooked gives you a positive feedback.

Another way to present the story would be one without any foreshadowing if you want to keep that at the end.

Hook the player first.
Unleash suffering after.

[Edited by - Wai on May 31, 2009 11:23:47 PM]

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