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Tyberius

Bloodline: Premise

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Tyberius    116
{As of June 21st, 2009} Hey everyone, This is Nick here. Brandon just finished posting the sketches he's completed so I thought I would post our first draft of the premise. This has been edited so that it doesn't have any small errors. If you think there should be any changes made, any parts that don't make sense, please speak up. By criticizing us your really helping us. -Nick -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Premise of Bloodline: During an era of creation He sent out two followers, Lance and Jane, to create life on a new born planet, known as Naelvin. Lance and Jane thrived in their life time; giving birth to many children and growing their family. The Third Generation thought it was time to move from their place of upbringing. A total of twenty went out searching new lands. The twenty that remained in the land of their upbringing began to find new materials and they made new technologies. Disputes occured as to who was their true maker and two figures rose to seperate the civilization. Their names were Torael and Aethella. Torael was a fond believer in using science and new technologies to find the creation of Naelvin. Whereas Aethella was a strict believer in a supernatural being who created life. A few years after the seperation of the Torael's and the Aethella's came the finding of a new living species. When the group of twenty that left the civilization and never came back the colony, the Toreal's and Aethella's assumed the worst. They believed they had perished from lack of food and water, but some of the very first people, people of whose names were only found in ancient text, started reappearing in the two civilizations. During the discovery of these ancients deaths had increased; people with two small holes on major blood arteries had been found dead, their blood drained. People at first didn't put the two pieces together but the Torael's found one of the mysterious newcomers and interogated him. They put him under extreme pressure to tell the truth and finally he broke. This man opened his mouth and fangs grew on his canine teeth. While they were in shock he broke free from the bonds holding him down and ran away. This man's name was Azhalir, he was the first of the newly discovered vampire species. A parasite infected the twenty men and woman who left the colony years ago. This parasite infected the blood stream and used brain frequencies to control the person and send them into the ground. They had a three day hibernation period and when they came out they had been killed and reborn. Blood being the only thing that keeps them alive. Azhalir was later found by the Toreal's hiding out, after warning all of his vampires followers. The Torael's wanted to do tests but the Aethella's assasinated him before they had the chance. Those who were close to Azhalir decided to take up against the humans. They thought only of vengeance and to make Naelvin a one species world. Only to keep humans as a source of life; farming them only to drain them of their blood soon after. There were a group of vampires who did not believe this was the way to solve the problems between humans and vampires. Their leader was Venabel, she thought that making peace with the humans and feeding off animal blood would solve their problem. She knew that feeding off animal blood was a more humane way to stay alive without conflict. These four groups soon found them fighting one another due to different beliefs and ideas. But the world of Naelvin had been ultimately been split in two, vampires and humans. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope you enjoyed the story. Please feel free to give some feedback or point out errors. Thank you

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Rich Yorick    100
Lance and Jane

Torael and Aethella

The names don't match up. Lance and Jane are just so normal, but the rest of the names aren't by any means. It's discongruous and distracting. Simply changing their names will blend them in with every one else and it won't be problematic.

I would reccomend giving Azhalir some importance prior him being captured by the humans. An easy way to do this would be to appoint him 'leader' of those twenty that went out, that way he isn't just a random vampire, but someone of legend gone wrong. The only problem with that being that why is their leader being captured? I dunno. Or (perhaps better) you could make him the chronicler of the expedition, with the leader having stayed behind. Azhalir gets killed per what you already have, then the leader seeks vengeance. By making Azhalir the chronicler, it wouldn't be hard to scatter pieces of his journal around the lang, giving backstory to the expedition and Azhalir himself, who is currently your most interesting character.

I think what would be more interesting than a parasite infecting all 20 of the members would be that it infects a few. Some of the uninfected die, while others find out that if you're infected (bitten) that you aren't dying, so then there's a dilemma the first few had to face, do they get choose to get vampirized so that they don't die? Does someone choose it forcibly against their will (i.e. a vamp husband biting his wife on her deathbed, etc.)

The vampire motif is one rife for some emotional investment, and some interesting choices, hopefully you'll have fun with it. Also, read Night Watch if you haven't :)

-Rich Yorick

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Tyberius    116
Thanks for all of those tips and suggestions, they were all extremely helpful.

I'll send Nick an email with what you wrote here and he'll do some changing. Right now he's been working on the Digital Art, so he has been creating outlines of all the pictures I've finished. Next he is going to do cell shading but he'll need a break from all the art.

Also, he's going to be creating some different sections. Each 'leader' is going to have their own background story and he's going to take some of the details from the premise and put them in the 'leader' backgrounds. That way a person can read the premise and kind of get the jist of whats going on and if they choose to they can read into the leaders themselves.

I think he'd really enjoy to hear more of what you have to say when we post the next parts, so please do check back.

Thanks Yorick

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