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WriterNick

My story development - Tyberthia: The Divine War

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Hello there, I'm going to use this forum I think to just let people enjoy (?) my writing skills and ideas. This for two reasons: Ego (It is nice to know people read it) and feedback (it helps making the story better or see errors you overlooked). Now the first parts I'll be posting are rough drafts of the idea. I generally already know how the story will go. Actually, I have a general idea of the story in my head. Now I just have to put it all on paper and see if it is enjoyable. Genre: Fantasy-war Number of Authors: 1 Title: Tyberhtia: The Divine War -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a very rough first version of the prologue. The narrator is a character: The god Iruson. Tyberthia, my first love. She was a world of unrivalled beauty and vibrant life, the jewel of my dominion. I don’t know how many aeons ago it was, since I first visited it, but it was breathtaking. It took me several months to harness all the power to shape and mould this beauty into its shape, but the result was worth all the sweat, all the toil and misery. However, the world was empty, without joy and life. So, the Humans came to be, to rule the lands and harvest the bounty, to live a life without care. They were pure, good and a kind people. Pride filled me as I watched down upon them from the heavens, when they honoured my work by erecting a temple for me, though simple and not lavishly filled with gifts and gold and other luxurious goods, it pleased me for it was given with willingness beyond mortal comprehension. But then, I’ll never forget it, the others grew jealous and envious, like wolves they surrounded the world, wishing to claim it as their own. I fought with unprecedented vigour, but in the end so many times I failed. Tyberthia became subject to earthquakes and great droughts and famine befell my beloved Iru’sei. I still hear the echo of their prayers for salvation in my mind. So many lives were destroyed that day. Then, these Divine Wars concluded in an aberration, to which I even agreed. The arrogance of the Gods and mortal beings would be our pawns. You had me, Patriarch of Tyberthia, Iruson. I was known as the God of Death and Balance. My sister Garsna, Goddess of Natural Beauty and Life, she fell in love with the beauty of Tyberthia claiming that such a world with such natural beauty and vibrant life should fall under her sway. Then you had the Scourge of the Gods, Goddess of Chaos, Filth and Lies. Her name is Ensidia. She cared not what the quarrel was, she didn’t even really care what she was fighting for, she longed for it only to spite someone. It was her idea that led to the aberration, I regret. Ensidia proposed a Divine Game. All three Gods would create two races and they would be placed on Tyberthia. A time period of ten thousand years would be given to these creations to prosper, to develop their identity, but on the ten thousandths year all this peace, this farce would end. Then these mortal beings would wage war in name of their gods to conquer Tyberthia. Along with my precious Humans I created a more enigmatic race called Shades. These transparent dark beings, who feel nothing and thus live a life of logic would be willing to go to any length to ensure we would be victorious. The Shades as a people are a single entity. There are always exactly 100 000 Shades in the world, when one fades away, a new Shade appears. Garsna, created blue skinned Iru’sei. These deeply religious people erected vast temples to honour their goddess and developed a complex civilization based on what they called the Balance of Heavens. Then she created nature spirits. She called them Nymphs. These joyous, often playful beings were of a kind nature and caring towards all. But Ensidia did not even respect the work of the gods, in the hearts of the noble humans she planted a 'gift'. The gift of deception and soon the Human Empire collapsed, inner strife destroying their civilization slowly. In the hearts of the Iru’sei and Nymphs the Dark Lady planted her gift of distrust, making them frightened and paranoid, leading to xenophobia. However, what she did next was an insult: instead of creating her own creatures, Ensidia used her magic to corrupt Nymphs into what would be known as the Darkened and to spite Garsna, these creatures had a beautiful face and voice, but the body of venomous spiders, living in disgusting lairs of webs and dead trees. However, the goddess of filth disrespected the Divine Balance by denying Death to come to many, creating the Undead, damned creatures who lived a life of nightmare, their souls trapped in a rotten machine of destruction. Many years passed and all three of us upheld the deal, but soon the Divine Wars would be fought once more and mortals will be the pawns... I only wonder Gods forgive mortals, who forgives Gods (I hope I corrected the errors spoken of, except the overuse of the pronouns) [Edited by - WriterNick on August 15, 2009 1:46:57 PM]

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Not bad. I'm always one to appreciate a good creation story, and this one has some potential. Something you might want to do, though, is to thin out some of the pronouns (I, It, etc) and try to tone up the sense of anguish we're getting from the narrator; bit richer verbiage, outrage, possibly even an insult or two.

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Sharing is always good. I'd recommend you do some serious spell checking, I note a few repeated misspellings of the same words, and a double I in there.

Beyond that, you do seem to have a decent style of writing, however the flow of this particular story doesn't come off as particularly original. If you're going to create something with a unique mythology, make it truly unique.

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I want to thank my two critics for pointing out their thoughts on it and I would like to respond.

On spelling errors: It is often hard for me to see all spelling errors myself, though know the Microsoft Word 'found' no mistakes with the added corrections, British English. If there is any mistake I did not see, please point out, would be appreciated tremendously.

On originality: To be original is always hard, so I'm not trying to make the most original mythology, neither trying to just rewrite a known story. This 'creation' story is actually to give the reader the reason to why there is strife, why are they fighting. You have some stories, who just describe glorious wars and magnificent battles, but you always wonder: Why are they fighting each other? Creating a mythology is a work taking ages, so at first is will not come off as very original or very new, but I'll work on that.

On vocabulary: Agreed.

I want to thank you for the input. Next part will be a short introduction of the 'races' in their own words, to give an idea on how they feel as a person, at least, I hope that's what it'll give.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the first years of the world all of the continent was ruled by Nymphs, where the Mother Eri’go wandered among her people. She maintained the delicate balance of life, a task given to the Nymph by the great Gaia herself.

Suddenly, as if they were banished from somewhere a new people arrived in these lands called Shades. Attracted by the natural darkness the foliage offers they entered the lands seeking to claim it for themselves. In defiant hordes they laid waste to our ancestors. Unable to restrain the brutality Mother Eri’go and many of her people were massacred.

Sister Elwynn fled the darkened forests with the remainder of our people. Mariana, Elwynn’s sister, fell among the dead. The destruction of the land made us despair. Some wished to go into thick forest to restart their life, while others scarred by the invasion wandered the lands alone, descending into madness.

Now we live in a valley hidden behind the darkest and most impenetrable forests, led by the Grand Sister Elwynn. Now we have once again taken to our task of preserving nature and shining the light of life upon all those willing to embrace it. Life goes on.

- Written by Naradia, Guardian of Lore. (The Nymphs)


Iru’sa, the Shining Kingdom. We are the centre of culture and civilization in the middle of barbarians. For hundreds of years the fertile lands of the Erthze river and Silk Valley have fed, clothed and nurtured us. Foreign caravans travel great distances to buy the beautiful things our ancestors taught us how to make, such as silk and carved jade.

Do these jealous barbarians send spies to see inside our city walls? They envy our thriving markets, the elegance of our arts, the grandeur of our temples. They are amazed by our many inventions and the knowledge of our scholars.

Therefore, the last decades the Shining Empress commanded we build a great wall of a thousand stones to shield or kingdom, for just as Garsna protects our peace, so must our ruler guard against the barbarians who threaten the balance of the Shining Kingdom.

-Written by Xi'liun, Imperial Historian of the Shining Empress. (Iru'sei)

The Collectivum is the hearth of Shadowglen, the land their body and its people their blood. One day perhaps you will be part of the Collectivum, friend, our armies will rush across the darkened shores and it shall tremble beneath it, as it shall be moved by the countless Shades who toil in the gloomy day of the land to build our homes and citadels. They are Shadowglen, as I was Shadowglen and you will be Shadowglen. Their face, was my face, is your face. Their strength, our strength. For their life runs through our bodies.

We laboured a lifetime to build our home, which now is a true home to us and when it was complete so too was my life complete, yet even as I was taken by the Great Shadow a new life came forth. And as I was fading to a new existence so were you taking shape in this world and a new day dawned for Shadowglen. In time all Shades must heed the call of the Great Shadow and embark on a journey to the other plane, for when the day of a Shade’s life is complete so does the journey begin. While I fade undisturbed, so shall Shadowglen and the Shades endure.

-Supposedly, words resounding in the mind of new Shades upon 'arrival'. (Shades)

Central Ergania one hundred years before the Great War, starting on a path that would lead farther than they could ever have imagined, farmers settled on the river Penbris. They called it Ebor. It thrived, building legendary roads, encouraging trade with the neighbouring cities, impressing foreigners with majestic buildings and temples. Life was good, but Eborian citizens hungered for more and developed mighty legions to conquer new lands. The Republic grew stronger. None would thwart Ebor’s vision.

Defeated captives became slaves, bought by the rich and wealthy of Eborian society, who enjoyed Ebors unrivalled civilization. However, not every Eborian lives in such luxury, leading often to revolts by the hungry and discontent. Nonetheless Ebor thrives, leaving hallmarks of its glory spectacular venues for all to be impressed by its tough, often dangerous entertainment its people demanded.

-Written by Livium Plantriquinus, Historian (Humans)

[Edited by - WriterNick on August 15, 2009 6:41:35 AM]

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Fixing your spelling is a basic writing skill, microsoft word did in fact find quite a few spelling errors. Some of the not so obvious ones are you spelled "Ensidia" as "Enisidia" at least once. There is a misspelling of valor, honor, and and I think a couple others in there. Having your work readable via correct spelling is important. I find if I'm stumbling over misspelled words it detracts from my ability to get into the story. I wouldn't expect people here to spell check for you (tho it might happen) it's really your responsibility as the writer to take care of that.

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Quote:
Original post by larvantholos
There is a misspelling of valor, honor, and and I think a couple others in there.


The spelling of valor/valour and honor/honour is both correct. Valour and Honour as spelling is especially British. American English uses more often Valor and Honor, but in the end both spellings are correct. As I said I (try to) follow the Brittish spelling. It depends which regional spelling you prefer to use. Most words ending with -or, have a -our spelling. I double checked it, since you started to make me doubt.

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A wiki-pedia styled introduction of the Tyberthian Humans.

The Eborian Republic

1. Historical Overview
1.1 The Glorious Empire
1.2 The Founding of Ebor

2. Political organisation and society
2.1 The Conclave
2.2 The Senate
2.3 The Consul
2.4 The Gladius Pratriae

3. Culture

1. Historical Overview

1.1 The Glorious Empire
Before the times when the god’s dispute began, the Humans lived in one grand unified empire, which nowadays is called the Glorious Empire. To this day little is known about the Glorious Empire as only a heap of ruins are left to show its once grand civilization. However, more is known about its collapse.

It happened around 500 years before the founding of Ebor. At that time the Glorious Empire was ruled by the wise Emperor Turlindius. He was, according to the wall carvings found in the ruins, a just ruler with a kind nature. However, he had a son who was spoiled, rotten and unkind. One day, it was cold and harsh outside; an old beggar woman knocked on the palace doors and asked the emperor for shelter. The emperor in his kindness welcomed the woman inside, but his son sneered at the woman. That night the woman knocked on the door of the prince. He looked the haggard appearance and her ugliness, disgusted by what he saw he slammed the door shut. She knocked again and again the prince opened, this time demanding her to tell what she wanted. She showed him three books, telling him that each of this books bring great gifts to him, but at a terrible price. The prince greedy as he was took the books from the woman, not heeding her warnings.

The next day, the woman vanished without a trace and the prince opened the first book. Inexplicably his father collapsed and died. His physicians claimed a strange power brought the man down. Now the son succeeded the father. Immediately, he imposed heavy taxes, announced harsh laws and excruciating punishments. The people moaned and suffered under his reign. Many died; others abandoned their homes, fleeing into the wilderness. As promised to the new emperor, great power was given to him, but he was blind for the suffering it brought to his people and his father. Thus the next day blinded by the gifts of the first book, he opened the second book. In it was written: “A choice must be made: To give up freedom for a bit more security.” The tyrant first didn’t understand it at first, and then he thought he knew what it meant. If he would give up some of his freedom to the unknown powers that control the book and its powers, he would sit more firmly on his throne. With this prospect in his eyes he wrote in the book the simple word: yes. Suddenly as if he was being chained by something, he lost control over everything, except his own mind. Someone else controlled his actions and words now. Instantly this power forced the now puppet-like emperor to begin a reign of terror. Peasants ‘ houses were burned down, cities burned to ashes and people hunted down like beasts to be killed on sight. The smell of burning flesh and ashes was everywhere.

The next day the tyrant was found death on his throne with the last book on his lap. But when someone tried to pick it up, the emperor vanished with the book never to be seen again. After this Reign of Darkness as it came to be known, Humans lost faith and trust. The Glorious Empire never recovered. It was gone forever, destroyed.

1.2 The Founding of Ebor
500 years after the Reign of darkness, a group of farmers searched for a new home. Legend has it that it was found by a child named Ebaria Tanalius. She was the daughter of the elder of the group. One day she was running around with her geese. For some reason her favourite goose suddenly flew away. The young, distraught girl ran after it following it for miles. When it finally landed in the water, Ebaria tried to grab it, but during her attempt she fell in the water. A moment before she drowned her father ran towards the river, but it was too late. Ebaria drowned and was taken by the currents of the river, taken from her father. Grieving over the loss of his daughter, the elder went catatonic for days.

After five days of sitting on the banks of the river in which his daughter died he told his people, they would live here to honour his daughter. He named the river Penbris and the town would be named after his daughter Ebor. It was a fertile region, the town grew exponentially and soon more land was needed for farms and houses. However the land on the other side was part of the neighbouring city. Thus the Eborians took up arms. The weapons they used, was the gladius (A short, stabbing sword) and pilum (a throwing spear, which breaks when pulled out the wound). The Elder at that time, a man named Marcus Legius, led the rabble-like army against their neighbours. The war lasted years, without any side gaining the upper hand. To resolve the stalemate a duel was agreed between the armies. Marcus Legius would fight the general of the army. The general, Hannabii, was a man of pure strength a massive man. Some claimed he was as large as mountain. The duel was intensive and heated. Marcus Legius first got cut in the leg, and then kicked on the ground. To recover the man threw sand in the eyes of the massive Hannabii, but his opponent kicked him in the side. Then Legius jumped up and in a dance of combat the two fighters were locked in a duel for ages. Their weapons sometimes scratched the surface of the others skin. Then after more than half a day of duelling, both sides were equally impressed by the sheer skill and power of the duel and in respect for their opponent the weapons were dropped and an agreement was made. The people of Hannabii would join up with the Eborians to be one people.

Due to this the population of Ebor almost doubled on one day. To cope with the seize and make it manageable the Marcus Legius with Hannabii designed the current structure still used in Ebor. They proclaimed a senate of the oldest, wisest and most prosperous of Eborians would regulate the affairs of Ebor in name of the people. Every six months a conclave of all the Eborian adults would be held to discuss the major issues like declaring war and ratifying treaties and alliances. To lead the armies the Senate would chose every six years two consuls. One consul would lead the expeditionary legions and the other would lead the Eborian legion to defend the city if it came under siege.

2. Political organisation and society

Eborian society is divided into classes, based on wealth and influence. The class to which you belong will decide pretty much who you are and what can achieve at the most. The classes are: Slave, Half-free man, the citizen, the Equitorian and the Patrician.

The slave is without any possession or rights and is either the property of a private person or of the state. Slaves who are the property of a private person are often uses for prostitution, hard labour, working in fields or carrying back and forth groceries and supplies or they become servants for the rich and wealthy. State-owned slaves end up either in mines, military ships as rower or construction worker in massive constructions. Sometimes slaves are gifted their freedom and become Half-free man.

The Half-free man is a man who has his own freedom and the right of existence. He is obligated to pay emergency taxes in time of war to fund the war efforts. They have no political power and can’t hold any public office. Also the Half-free man is forbidden to have any possessions, being real-estate, in the city Ebor self. Half-free man can earn their citizenship by enrolling in the army and serving 10 years as legionnaire.

The citizen is Eborian-born or Veteran Legionnaire, who gained their citizenship through the military career. They are allowed to have possessions, real estate, within the city of Ebor. Also they are allowed to take part in the Conclave and the political life; however they cannot hold public office. However, they can make a career in the military and become Primus Pilum.

The Equitorian class are the rich citizens. They hold a wealth of around 100 000 gold Dinarii in cash and 250 00 gold Dinarri worth of possessions. They can take part in the political life and often hold public offices; however the Equitorian is barred from any senatorial position or office. Equitorian can become commanders in the legions of Ebor. Often Equitorians are merchants and landowners.

The Patricians are the pinnacle of Eborian society, both wealthy and prestigious. These men and women belong to ancient families often connected to the Founding Elders. These citizens live in magnificent palaces just outside Ebor and own splendid Domii inside Ebor. Some Patricians, mostly the Patria familia are send to be Senator. Patricians almost always have an interest in many fields of life and run corporate like companies.

2.1 The Conclave
Every six months all citizens, Equitorian and patrician is invited to attend the Conclave, which are held on the Hanabii Forum. The Conclave generally discusses on the current situation of affairs ratify alliances, treaties and trade agreements or embargoes. Also the Conclave is the only political Organ that can declare war. Also every 2 years the Conclave elects citizens and Equitorians to fill all public offices, except Consul and senatorial public offices. Elections for these offices are held every 6 years.
The Conclave can also declare the ‘Res Publica delandam’ this temporarily destroys the republic and places a consul as head of state, the Gladius Patriae.

2.2 The Senate
The Senate was the supreme governing body. They were composed of 750 Patricians, 248 Equitorians and 2 Citizens. De Citizens were elected by Conclave. The Patrician and Equitorian members are invited by older members to join and are chosen for life or until they are impeached by the Conclave or the two consuls.

The duties of the Senate are to regulate day-to-day life, levy taxes, and ensure the city is safe from any form of harm. Organise the ration distribution and ensure the city has enough foodstuff and materials to last a year long siege. Also for crimes such as high treason, murder of a state official or mass arson, a Senatorial court was created. This Senatorial court was comprised out of the five oldest members of the senate. The verdict of the Senatorial court was final.

2.3 The Consul
Two consuls were elected each 6 years, with no limit with how many terms one person may serve as consul. The consul was in the first place a military leader. They were the chiefs in command. One consul, the Consul Domina, was tasked with the defence of Ebor and the homelands. If the city or the land was invaded by enemies abroad or within. The Consul Exterior was tasked with leading all military expeditions abroad in name of the Eborian republic.

If there was no war to be fought, the Consul Exterior was tasked with representing the Eborian Republic and interest abroad. He was to make the will of Ebor known to the surrounding races and nations. The Consul Domina was tasked then with organising the grand entertainment project and overseeing large building project, such as temples and spectacular venues.

2.4 The Gladius Pratriae
The Gladius Patriae is a special offices opened whenever the republic is in mortal danger, the Conclave, can on senatorial advice, declare ‘Res Publica delandam’ , which effectively disbands the Republic of Ebor and makes all its laws and institutions redundant. Furthermore a Gladius Patriae is elected to take up temporarily supreme power over Ebor.

The Gladius Patriae is at that moment effectively head of state with all power in his hands. He can create laws, force conscription, create taxes, lower rations, declare war or make peace and declare citizens enemies of the state. This office lasts only six months after which the senate meets to discuss whether it is necessary to extend the period with another six month.

3. Culture

Eborian Culture is a pragmatic; Eborians were always a very open minded people and absorbed often cultural elements of conquered cities and nations when it was practical for them to do so. However, above all Eborians honour the Mos Maiorum. The Mos Maiorum is in a sense the unofficial constitution of the Republic. Any action infringing the Mos Maiorum was punished severely and without mercy. The Mos Maiorum was more than a set of rules though; it was a way of life. According to the Mos Maiorum, family, honour, strength, stamina, diligence, courage and love for the fatherland, republic and the gods were the virtues to be upheld above all others!

Eborians were born into a tradition of warriors and from early on the children were taught how to hold a gladius firmly in the hand and how to throw the Pilum with accuracy and force. Rigorous training daily was part of Eborian education and there was no patience with any weakness. If weakness was found in one of the children it was cast out the group, living the rest of his life as pariah. Cold and harsh was a child’s life. When a boy or girl reached the age of 16 he was considered a man and was to sacrifice all his toys in the Temple to honour the gods to have blessed him with strength and wit.

Eborian architecture was as pragmatic as their mentality, using durable materials, which was already expensive and hard to get, only for monumental constructions like temples, city walls and major venues for entertainment. Dominating Eborian architecture was the arch and column. Materials used for normal construction for houses and other buildings are brick and mortar based on lime.

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