Quote:On an alternate Earth in a contemporary time, there exists a city known as Millennium, considered one of the major cities in an unnamed nation. The world has long been civilized, so there are only a few traces of nature left in the form of Natural Reserves, led by an Indian-like race of people known as Uriels. Millennium is a thriving city, but is filled with organized crime in the form of a mafia and corrupt businessmen. To tackle this type of environment, the police force are ruthless and equally cruel, making this city a place where only the strongest can survive and prosper. In turn, there is a territorial split between the rich and the poor: the Northern districts are owned by the wealthy while the Southern districts is the slums of the poor. But even the city's police can't handle this alone, so mercenaries, bounty hunters, are hired to cover taking care of the operations that the city just can't handle with its resources alone. Larry Leese is one of these people, hired to find and bring criminals to justice. Being a former cop, he left the force after seeing it for what it truly was, so decided to follow his own rules and bring justice in his own way. With the help of a police retiree and long time friend named Gerall Sampson, he is mentored and assisted in his occupation. One day, monsters have begun to show up around the city (think Shin Megami Tensei's starting premise, only no one knows where they came from nor what they are other than mutated versions of animals), giving Larry more work to do as bounty hunters are needed more than ever. Given the city's praises, Larry works to clean the city streets of both criminals and these new monsters as he is pulled inevitably into controversaries and the lives of the people he meets along the way, as the secrets of Millennium's society is unveiled through a series of conflicts, drama, and emotions.Now, in the game, there is a girl of a rich family known as the Venice. She will be considered the "magic user" of the game in that she has mysterious psychic powers that allows her to use powers like fire and other mage-like abilities. My first idea of why she would have these powers was going to be something like she got possessed by some ghost trying to get vengeance, but since the game won't have much "supernatural" things and will more "realistic" occurrences of enemies and the like, her powers are going to stand out. I wanted to resolve this "mood balance" by having her only use her powers when it's necessary, but I don't like the way she gained the powers nor do I have a good enough way of how to explain them without making it seem farfetched. Sure, the idea is already farfetched alone, but I need a way to muddle the impact of this down to help with the suspension of disbelief. I don't want a person to play the game and suddenly go: "Wait...why are there psychic powers again?" Another idea was to have it to where she got operated on when she was little by her father and his secret experiments with the city's labratories in an attempt to study enhancing the human brain. Since the setting is somewhat further in the future without it being too far, I figured there can be some leeway in making it believable that there is a project capable of making psychics. Thus, this will pretty much add more to the story than there already is, which is a good thing. I just need some analysis on the matter in how to keep most of the game's feeling "realistic and scientific" while dumbing down on the "unknown supernatural stuff." [Edited by - Zido_Z on September 6, 2009 1:56:40 PM]
Supernatural in a very Contemporary Setting
Author
Okay. I'm back and still in the pre-development phase of my private rpg project. Now, for a refresh of what I'm working on, here's a summary of the game's setting and world:
Hmm... I think Firefly might be worth a look; River was experimented on and ended up with psychic powers, but they also left her schizophrenic and with some behavioural and perceptual quirks. I think Whedon leaves it as 'they cut into her brain' and never explains how it works.
In Babylon 5, the telepaths just 'work', but are fairly rare and very strictly controlled.
In both cases, you have a latent power in humans that is unlocked by genetic chance or surgery. Both are sci-fi with Firefly having no other magic or supernatural to it. Perhaps this is the best angle to take; the power has always been there and it crops up very very rarely, but it takes training to make anything of it. Human history is filled with examples of the archetype, so you have a basis for saying 'it has always existed, but it is very uncommon' and certain events in human history (and the present) - witch-hunts and the like - would justify anybody with the talent keeping it secret.
In Babylon 5, the telepaths just 'work', but are fairly rare and very strictly controlled.
In both cases, you have a latent power in humans that is unlocked by genetic chance or surgery. Both are sci-fi with Firefly having no other magic or supernatural to it. Perhaps this is the best angle to take; the power has always been there and it crops up very very rarely, but it takes training to make anything of it. Human history is filled with examples of the archetype, so you have a basis for saying 'it has always existed, but it is very uncommon' and certain events in human history (and the present) - witch-hunts and the like - would justify anybody with the talent keeping it secret.
Author
Yep, sounds like the route I want to go. I'll do some research on those for more inspiration. Thanks, Prince.
One other place to look for inspiration is the SCP Wiki.
http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/
It is a collection of subjects in a fictional paranormal research organisation. Most of the ideas there are a little overblown, but a few of them made me go 'hey, that is an interesting idea'.
http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/
It is a collection of subjects in a fictional paranormal research organisation. Most of the ideas there are a little overblown, but a few of them made me go 'hey, that is an interesting idea'.
A couple thoughts.
First, why would the Venice use a dangerous, experimental procedure on one of their own? To me, that's the major "wtf" moment, not the powers themselves -- powers like that have been written so many times in so many different ways that the audience is likely to take them at face value. Family abusing young girls has to be explained though!
Why didn't they just use a orphan from the slums? Maybe they did, maybe the girl is actually the only successful case in a group of hundreds of kids who are now dead, insane, retarded, or vegetables.
Maybe the family isn't the one who did it, maybe it was a rival family and there was some big controversy at the time when she was kidnapped. Maybe FamilyX was trying to infiltrate the rival Venice family, so they were trying to make the girl a sort of remote-control spy.
This is all up to you, but the audience will want to know why Venice did that to their girl, for sure.
Second, your world backstory feels like a mythology, with explanations and causes that couldn't possibly explain the effects in a real world, but instead seem like metaphors.
For example, the Natural Reserves. I assume they are dotted around the globe, so why are they looked after by a single race? Why aren't they actually looked after by whoever was the "native" population before? Is it not so much a race, but more like a Peace Corps thing?
I'm guessing here, but the obvious twist in the monster storyline is that the Uriel are sick of the polluted city killing the world, and the corruption the whole system breeds, so they are trying to create monster animals to take it all back to some Golden Age of natural harmony. You're going to need to bone up that backstory quite a bit for it to hold water.
Consider that the Uriel, even if they are a completely unified group (which is doubtful), can only keep the nature preserves as long as the surrounding city government allows them to do so. It's often a matter of competing interests. For example, in the Congo there is a british organization who fought and bribed their way to a nature preserve for gorillas. The Congolese government agreed to set aside the land for the apes in exchange for whatever, and they did so. Then one day not that much later, the people taking care of the reserves discovered a Chinese workforce building a dam in the river going through that jungle, and logging the place clean. Why? One part of the corrupt government thought that millions of dollars was more important than some monkeys, so without warning, they reneged on their agreement.
You better believe stuff like that happens all the time in the most civilized of places... if this city is a zoo of corruption like you say, this sort of thing will be the rule, not the exception.
Third, the bounty hunter thing. Your explanation is that the police force is overwhelmed, so they hire bounty hunters, but that doesn't make economic sense. How it actually works is that a mercenary will cost more than a cop on paper, but it evens out. So, a cop might cost: salary, uniform, car, equipment, health insurance. The mercenary only costs: bounty. However, overall, the mercenary (as a contractor) has the same expenses: living wage, clothing, car, equipment, health insurance. His admin overhead might be lower, but his buying power for things like guns and ammo is also lower than the police department. He has to charge per bounty what a cop would cost per arrest, or he can't cover his bills. That means the department is paying out an equal amount, which doesn't solve their financial problem at all.
In addition, cop salaries are HUGELY depressed in places that have a lot of corruption. It's supply and demand: the department offers say, $30,000 per year to cops. That creates enough demand to fill the 1000 job openings they have. If they lower that to $20,000 they'll only have enough to fill 500 openings.
However, in a place with corruption, where the corruption is known, the supply/demand changes. If the department offers $20,000 and new cops know they can make at least $15,000 extra in bribes and kickbacks, then the new "real" salary is $35,000 -- now the department is paying only $20,000 and getting a supply as though they are paying $35,000.
Contractor mercenaries, on the other hand, don't have the same power. They can't prevent arrest or tip off mob guys. They have very little leverage when it comes to bribes, so that means their employer (the department) has to actually pay for them, instead of letting bribes subsidize the cost.
In other words, in a corrupt city like Millenium, bounty hunters actually cost the police department significantly MORE to employ than a normal cop.
That's how it works in place like Mexico, where the salary for police isn't enough to live on. One wonders how they all have relatively nice houses?
First, why would the Venice use a dangerous, experimental procedure on one of their own? To me, that's the major "wtf" moment, not the powers themselves -- powers like that have been written so many times in so many different ways that the audience is likely to take them at face value. Family abusing young girls has to be explained though!
Why didn't they just use a orphan from the slums? Maybe they did, maybe the girl is actually the only successful case in a group of hundreds of kids who are now dead, insane, retarded, or vegetables.
Maybe the family isn't the one who did it, maybe it was a rival family and there was some big controversy at the time when she was kidnapped. Maybe FamilyX was trying to infiltrate the rival Venice family, so they were trying to make the girl a sort of remote-control spy.
This is all up to you, but the audience will want to know why Venice did that to their girl, for sure.
Second, your world backstory feels like a mythology, with explanations and causes that couldn't possibly explain the effects in a real world, but instead seem like metaphors.
For example, the Natural Reserves. I assume they are dotted around the globe, so why are they looked after by a single race? Why aren't they actually looked after by whoever was the "native" population before? Is it not so much a race, but more like a Peace Corps thing?
I'm guessing here, but the obvious twist in the monster storyline is that the Uriel are sick of the polluted city killing the world, and the corruption the whole system breeds, so they are trying to create monster animals to take it all back to some Golden Age of natural harmony. You're going to need to bone up that backstory quite a bit for it to hold water.
Consider that the Uriel, even if they are a completely unified group (which is doubtful), can only keep the nature preserves as long as the surrounding city government allows them to do so. It's often a matter of competing interests. For example, in the Congo there is a british organization who fought and bribed their way to a nature preserve for gorillas. The Congolese government agreed to set aside the land for the apes in exchange for whatever, and they did so. Then one day not that much later, the people taking care of the reserves discovered a Chinese workforce building a dam in the river going through that jungle, and logging the place clean. Why? One part of the corrupt government thought that millions of dollars was more important than some monkeys, so without warning, they reneged on their agreement.
You better believe stuff like that happens all the time in the most civilized of places... if this city is a zoo of corruption like you say, this sort of thing will be the rule, not the exception.
Third, the bounty hunter thing. Your explanation is that the police force is overwhelmed, so they hire bounty hunters, but that doesn't make economic sense. How it actually works is that a mercenary will cost more than a cop on paper, but it evens out. So, a cop might cost: salary, uniform, car, equipment, health insurance. The mercenary only costs: bounty. However, overall, the mercenary (as a contractor) has the same expenses: living wage, clothing, car, equipment, health insurance. His admin overhead might be lower, but his buying power for things like guns and ammo is also lower than the police department. He has to charge per bounty what a cop would cost per arrest, or he can't cover his bills. That means the department is paying out an equal amount, which doesn't solve their financial problem at all.
In addition, cop salaries are HUGELY depressed in places that have a lot of corruption. It's supply and demand: the department offers say, $30,000 per year to cops. That creates enough demand to fill the 1000 job openings they have. If they lower that to $20,000 they'll only have enough to fill 500 openings.
However, in a place with corruption, where the corruption is known, the supply/demand changes. If the department offers $20,000 and new cops know they can make at least $15,000 extra in bribes and kickbacks, then the new "real" salary is $35,000 -- now the department is paying only $20,000 and getting a supply as though they are paying $35,000.
Contractor mercenaries, on the other hand, don't have the same power. They can't prevent arrest or tip off mob guys. They have very little leverage when it comes to bribes, so that means their employer (the department) has to actually pay for them, instead of letting bribes subsidize the cost.
In other words, in a corrupt city like Millenium, bounty hunters actually cost the police department significantly MORE to employ than a normal cop.
That's how it works in place like Mexico, where the salary for police isn't enough to live on. One wonders how they all have relatively nice houses?
Author
I enjoy the criticism. As much as I am at having a good grasp on writing, I still can see I have flaws here and there in story orchestrating. It's the same as me being a good drawer, but having trouble working out dialogue when I make small little comics. Editors are awesome.
This is what I mainly used as the backstory for that, though to be honest, it's not as concrete as I want it to be:
Psychic Study
There lies a secret project that was underway prior to Mayor Gray's appointment by Dr. Krag. Ten years in development and study, this doctor was working on a way to discover the inner secrets of the human mind in an effort to unlock unknown intelligence and power. During his years as a scientist, his studies mainly dealt with brain activity, learning things such as how a person thinks, emotional signals, and other brain-related topics. A top mind in his field, he is considered one of the most popular scientists in the world.
However, Dr. Krag can be considered a mad scientist, a man who is strongly pursuing his dream of bringing forth humans' potential. Therefore, he is always experimenting in his labs on animals and sometimes volunteered human subjects in testing brain waves and other phenomenom as he is tries to narrow down his focuses. Even dreams are considered a curious field of study, due to its already mysterious state. Then one day, after analyzing his studies from his many years, he finally found out how to utilize the human mind. It was a risky endevour in that it could completely destroy a person's mental stability if the idea is experimented on that. Yet, the outcome was worth it, in that if the person survived it, they would come out of the project with a new power. A power known as "Psionics", something you normally heard about in fictional stories.
This project was kept under wraps, of course, yet the information of it required funding by the city in order to reach its creation. Mayor Fieldbridge completely disliked this project, believing that it was pretty inhumane, especially considering its risk of making a person insane. Thus, he filed for the project to be denied and to never be spoke about again. Dr. Krag was angered by this proposition, so underwent continued refinement of his study in secret, trying to find a way to make his project more likable. But when Mayor Gray finally won office, Dr. Krag considered this an opportunity to re propose his idea. Being a man who liked the idea of a possible legion of superpowered guards, he approved the project, allowing Dr. Krag to bring it underway. Funded by the corporate bosses in order to bring in more money for themselves as a safe investment, the project was named "The Human Evolution" project.
Ariel and Gabriella Venice
One problem the psychic project had was that it was hard to get volunteers for such a thing. For one, they couldn't use prisoners due to the danger that if the project succeeded with one of them, it will allow the criminals to make use of their new power for vengeance. However, the catalyst for psychic powers required someone to have a very intelligent brain. Therefore, they put their attention to the young people of Longburn Academy, a prestiged school where gifted children were being challenged like they should, though due to its high quality, it is an expensive school to go to, thus mostly rich families send their kids here. It is never guaranteed that a single kid will be smart, but the school is regarded for its ability to make its students as smart as college kids.
One of the wealthiest families in Millennium is the Venice, who owns many of the residential buildings around the city. During this time, the Venice familiy was composed of a father, the owner of the company, his wife, and their two daughters, Ariel (the oldest) who was 12 years old and Gabriella, who was 6. They both were students at the Longburn Academy. Considered the popular kids there, their success in their studies was explained only due to their reputation as successful children. When the Human Evolution project came up, it was presented to the top twelve students in the school as a way to "make use of their intelligent minds to bring more good to this world." The age range was from 6 (Gabriella being the youngest) to 17. Their parents naturally were investing in the project, however, unlike their kids, they knew what the project was really about, yet caring more for money than their own children, they easily gave them over in an effort to make profit.
The twelve kids were deemed the "Twelve Cerebrals," a hint at what the project was going to focus on. At first, the kids were exposed to minor things, such as reviewing each kid's strengths and weaknesses in their intellects through harmless questionaires and other tests. And then, they started to have wires attached to their bodies to read their bodily and brain functions. But it continued to scale up from here. The kids were suddenly being put through streesful inductions by machines, their consciouses were being messed with, and eventually, even brain surgery was done on each one. Each kid was unique in what was performed on them due to the parameters set for their tests through the pre-surgery phase. After the first round of tests, all but one person got through still sane. The other guy, named Zion Glendale, ended up becoming a psychopath that was unable to induce any psychic results. And thus, his parents ended up putting him into the city's mental hospital. This resulted in the group becoming the "Eleven Cerebrals."
Tell me what you think of it.
Well, the natural reserves were petitioned and fought for by the Uriels, who are a global organization made of the race and a few non-related supporters. So you are right in that each Reserve will have an independent group of these people. I plan to give the group an official name, as Uriels only pertains to a race of people (equivalent of native americas in customs). The point of the Natural Reserve that will be accessible in the game was to give aa heavy contrast between this peaceful, nature-filled environment in comparison to the city itself miles north of it. In addition, it is also a good breather for the player for when he gets to the point of the game where the setting dramatically changes from the dark city into a bright forested area with flowing rivers and the sounds of birds in the air. But I could do a ying-yang type of thing, in that, though the city is corrupt, it has its small amount of white spots. And for the Reserve, there can be a small amount of corruption. Will take some work to make a premise behind that, but you're making me think now, which is a good thing.
We actually share the same feelings on this. When I went back and reread that, I suddenly didn't like the sounding of it, along with it sounding a bit non-realistic. Bounty hunters aren't exactly hired, moreso given incentives to hunt down criminals that get away. When monsters are thrown into the mix...well, it's more like the city is starting to become fearful, so maybe I can throw away that "hiring mercenaries" premise, and just have the main character initially be drawn to help due to his former sense of justice. Mind you, he lost most of his hope for humanity. The only small amount he has left is preserved by his mentor and long time friend Gerall, a former cop himself who was sadly fired due to being setup by the mafia and made to look bad.
Quote:A couple thoughts.
First, why would the Venice use a dangerous, experimental procedure on one of their own? To me, that's the major "wtf" moment, not the powers themselves -- powers like that have been written so many times in so many different ways that the audience is likely to take them at face value. Family abusing young girls has to be explained though!
Why didn't they just use a orphan from the slums? Maybe they did, maybe the girl is actually the only successful case in a group of hundreds of kids who are now dead, insane, retarded, or vegetables.
Maybe the family isn't the one who did it, maybe it was a rival family and there was some big controversy at the time when she was kidnapped. Maybe FamilyX was trying to infiltrate the rival Venice family, so they were trying to make the girl a sort of remote-control spy.
This is all up to you, but the audience will want to know why Venice did that to their girl, for sure.
This is what I mainly used as the backstory for that, though to be honest, it's not as concrete as I want it to be:
Psychic Study
There lies a secret project that was underway prior to Mayor Gray's appointment by Dr. Krag. Ten years in development and study, this doctor was working on a way to discover the inner secrets of the human mind in an effort to unlock unknown intelligence and power. During his years as a scientist, his studies mainly dealt with brain activity, learning things such as how a person thinks, emotional signals, and other brain-related topics. A top mind in his field, he is considered one of the most popular scientists in the world.
However, Dr. Krag can be considered a mad scientist, a man who is strongly pursuing his dream of bringing forth humans' potential. Therefore, he is always experimenting in his labs on animals and sometimes volunteered human subjects in testing brain waves and other phenomenom as he is tries to narrow down his focuses. Even dreams are considered a curious field of study, due to its already mysterious state. Then one day, after analyzing his studies from his many years, he finally found out how to utilize the human mind. It was a risky endevour in that it could completely destroy a person's mental stability if the idea is experimented on that. Yet, the outcome was worth it, in that if the person survived it, they would come out of the project with a new power. A power known as "Psionics", something you normally heard about in fictional stories.
This project was kept under wraps, of course, yet the information of it required funding by the city in order to reach its creation. Mayor Fieldbridge completely disliked this project, believing that it was pretty inhumane, especially considering its risk of making a person insane. Thus, he filed for the project to be denied and to never be spoke about again. Dr. Krag was angered by this proposition, so underwent continued refinement of his study in secret, trying to find a way to make his project more likable. But when Mayor Gray finally won office, Dr. Krag considered this an opportunity to re propose his idea. Being a man who liked the idea of a possible legion of superpowered guards, he approved the project, allowing Dr. Krag to bring it underway. Funded by the corporate bosses in order to bring in more money for themselves as a safe investment, the project was named "The Human Evolution" project.
Ariel and Gabriella Venice
One problem the psychic project had was that it was hard to get volunteers for such a thing. For one, they couldn't use prisoners due to the danger that if the project succeeded with one of them, it will allow the criminals to make use of their new power for vengeance. However, the catalyst for psychic powers required someone to have a very intelligent brain. Therefore, they put their attention to the young people of Longburn Academy, a prestiged school where gifted children were being challenged like they should, though due to its high quality, it is an expensive school to go to, thus mostly rich families send their kids here. It is never guaranteed that a single kid will be smart, but the school is regarded for its ability to make its students as smart as college kids.
One of the wealthiest families in Millennium is the Venice, who owns many of the residential buildings around the city. During this time, the Venice familiy was composed of a father, the owner of the company, his wife, and their two daughters, Ariel (the oldest) who was 12 years old and Gabriella, who was 6. They both were students at the Longburn Academy. Considered the popular kids there, their success in their studies was explained only due to their reputation as successful children. When the Human Evolution project came up, it was presented to the top twelve students in the school as a way to "make use of their intelligent minds to bring more good to this world." The age range was from 6 (Gabriella being the youngest) to 17. Their parents naturally were investing in the project, however, unlike their kids, they knew what the project was really about, yet caring more for money than their own children, they easily gave them over in an effort to make profit.
The twelve kids were deemed the "Twelve Cerebrals," a hint at what the project was going to focus on. At first, the kids were exposed to minor things, such as reviewing each kid's strengths and weaknesses in their intellects through harmless questionaires and other tests. And then, they started to have wires attached to their bodies to read their bodily and brain functions. But it continued to scale up from here. The kids were suddenly being put through streesful inductions by machines, their consciouses were being messed with, and eventually, even brain surgery was done on each one. Each kid was unique in what was performed on them due to the parameters set for their tests through the pre-surgery phase. After the first round of tests, all but one person got through still sane. The other guy, named Zion Glendale, ended up becoming a psychopath that was unable to induce any psychic results. And thus, his parents ended up putting him into the city's mental hospital. This resulted in the group becoming the "Eleven Cerebrals."
Tell me what you think of it.
Quote:Second, your world backstory feels like a mythology, with explanations and causes that couldn't possibly explain the effects in a real world, but instead seem like metaphors.
For example, the Natural Reserves. I assume they are dotted around the globe, so why are they looked after by a single race? Why aren't they actually looked after by whoever was the "native" population before? Is it not so much a race, but more like a Peace Corps thing?
I'm guessing here, but the obvious twist in the monster storyline is that the Uriel are sick of the polluted city killing the world, and the corruption the whole system breeds, so they are trying to create monster animals to take it all back to some Golden Age of natural harmony. You're going to need to bone up that backstory quite a bit for it to hold water.
Consider that the Uriel, even if they are a completely unified group (which is doubtful), can only keep the nature preserves as long as the surrounding city government allows them to do so. It's often a matter of competing interests. For example, in the Congo there is a british organization who fought and bribed their way to a nature preserve for gorillas. The Congolese government agreed to set aside the land for the apes in exchange for whatever, and they did so. Then one day not that much later, the people taking care of the reserves discovered a Chinese workforce building a dam in the river going through that jungle, and logging the place clean. Why? One part of the corrupt government thought that millions of dollars was more important than some monkeys, so without warning, they reneged on their agreement.
You better believe stuff like that happens all the time in the most civilized of places... if this city is a zoo of corruption like you say, this sort of thing will be the rule, not the exception.
Well, the natural reserves were petitioned and fought for by the Uriels, who are a global organization made of the race and a few non-related supporters. So you are right in that each Reserve will have an independent group of these people. I plan to give the group an official name, as Uriels only pertains to a race of people (equivalent of native americas in customs). The point of the Natural Reserve that will be accessible in the game was to give aa heavy contrast between this peaceful, nature-filled environment in comparison to the city itself miles north of it. In addition, it is also a good breather for the player for when he gets to the point of the game where the setting dramatically changes from the dark city into a bright forested area with flowing rivers and the sounds of birds in the air. But I could do a ying-yang type of thing, in that, though the city is corrupt, it has its small amount of white spots. And for the Reserve, there can be a small amount of corruption. Will take some work to make a premise behind that, but you're making me think now, which is a good thing.
Quote:In addition, cop salaries are HUGELY depressed in places that have a lot of corruption. It's supply and demand: the department offers say, $30,000 per year to cops. That creates enough demand to fill the 1000 job openings they have. If they lower that to $20,000 they'll only have enough to fill 500 openings.
However, in a place with corruption, where the corruption is known, the supply/demand changes. If the department offers $20,000 and new cops know they can make at least $15,000 extra in bribes and kickbacks, then the new "real" salary is $35,000 -- now the department is paying only $20,000 and getting a supply as though they are paying $35,000.
Contractor mercenaries, on the other hand, don't have the same power. They can't prevent arrest or tip off mob guys. They have very little leverage when it comes to bribes, so that means their employer (the department) has to actually pay for them, instead of letting bribes subsidize the cost.
In other words, in a corrupt city like Millenium, bounty hunters actually cost the police department significantly MORE to employ than a normal cop.
That's how it works in place like Mexico, where the salary for police isn't enough to live on. One wonders how they all have relatively nice houses?
We actually share the same feelings on this. When I went back and reread that, I suddenly didn't like the sounding of it, along with it sounding a bit non-realistic. Bounty hunters aren't exactly hired, moreso given incentives to hunt down criminals that get away. When monsters are thrown into the mix...well, it's more like the city is starting to become fearful, so maybe I can throw away that "hiring mercenaries" premise, and just have the main character initially be drawn to help due to his former sense of justice. Mind you, he lost most of his hope for humanity. The only small amount he has left is preserved by his mentor and long time friend Gerall, a former cop himself who was sadly fired due to being setup by the mafia and made to look bad.
Quote:Psychic Study
There lies a secret project that was underway prior to Mayor Gray's appointment by Dr. Krag. Ten years in development and study, this doctor was working on a way to discover the inner secrets of the human mind in an effort to unlock unknown intelligence and power. During his years as a scientist, his studies mainly dealt with brain activity, learning things such as how a person thinks, emotional signals, and other brain-related topics. A top mind in his field, he is considered one of the most popular scientists in the world.
However, Dr. Krag can be considered a mad scientist, a man who is strongly pursuing his dream of bringing forth humans' potential. Therefore, he is always experimenting in his labs on animals and sometimes volunteered human subjects in testing brain waves and other phenomenom as he is tries to narrow down his focuses. Even dreams are considered a curious field of study, due to its already mysterious state. Then one day, after analyzing his studies from his many years, he finally found out how to utilize the human mind. It was a risky endevour in that it could completely destroy a person's mental stability if the idea is experimented on that. Yet, the outcome was worth it, in that if the person survived it, they would come out of the project with a new power. A power known as "Psionics", something you normally heard about in fictional stories.
This project was kept under wraps, of course, yet the information of it required funding by the city in order to reach its creation. Mayor Fieldbridge completely disliked this project, believing that it was pretty inhumane, especially considering its risk of making a person insane. Thus, he filed for the project to be denied and to never be spoke about again. Dr. Krag was angered by this proposition, so underwent continued refinement of his study in secret, trying to find a way to make his project more likable. But when Mayor Gray finally won office, Dr. Krag considered this an opportunity to re propose his idea. Being a man who liked the idea of a possible legion of superpowered guards, he approved the project, allowing Dr. Krag to bring it underway. Funded by the corporate bosses in order to bring in more money for themselves as a safe investment, the project was named "The Human Evolution" project.
Ariel and Gabriella Venice
One problem the psychic project had was that it was hard to get volunteers for such a thing. For one, they couldn't use prisoners due to the danger that if the project succeeded with one of them, it will allow the criminals to make use of their new power for vengeance. However, the catalyst for psychic powers required someone to have a very intelligent brain. Therefore, they put their attention to the young people of Longburn Academy, a prestiged school where gifted children were being challenged like they should, though due to its high quality, it is an expensive school to go to, thus mostly rich families send their kids here. It is never guaranteed that a single kid will be smart, but the school is regarded for its ability to make its students as smart as college kids.
One of the wealthiest families in Millennium is the Venice, who owns many of the residential buildings around the city. During this time, the Venice familiy was composed of a father, the owner of the company, his wife, and their two daughters, Ariel (the oldest) who was 12 years old and Gabriella, who was 6. They both were students at the Longburn Academy. Considered the popular kids there, their success in their studies was explained only due to their reputation as successful children. When the Human Evolution project came up, it was presented to the top twelve students in the school as a way to "make use of their intelligent minds to bring more good to this world." The age range was from 6 (Gabriella being the youngest) to 17. Their parents naturally were investing in the project, however, unlike their kids, they knew what the project was really about, yet caring more for money than their own children, they easily gave them over in an effort to make profit.
The twelve kids were deemed the "Twelve Cerebrals," a hint at what the project was going to focus on. At first, the kids were exposed to minor things, such as reviewing each kid's strengths and weaknesses in their intellects through harmless questionaires and other tests. And then, they started to have wires attached to their bodies to read their bodily and brain functions. But it continued to scale up from here. The kids were suddenly being put through streesful inductions by machines, their consciouses were being messed with, and eventually, even brain surgery was done on each one. Each kid was unique in what was performed on them due to the parameters set for their tests through the pre-surgery phase. After the first round of tests, all but one person got through still sane. The other guy, named Zion Glendale, ended up becoming a psychopath that was unable to induce any psychic results. And thus, his parents ended up putting him into the city's mental hospital. This resulted in the group becoming the "Eleven Cerebrals."
I like that you're thinking of setting up sub plots, like with Zion. I'm still not buying the story though.
Science as a field requires that well-known, and well-regarded scientists actually produce research that changes the field. It's possible to be brilliant and to work on a secret project, but it's not possible to be working on a secret project for decades and still be a celebrity scientist. You have a few options here like bringing the whole project out from the shadows. Maybe Krag used to enjoy celebrity status, and mucho funding, but then after years he sort of faded to irrelevance. Maybe in a move of desperation, he moves straight from rodent trials to having a procedure performed on himself. The procedure was a success! Sort of...
Krag successfully produced scientifically verifyable telepathy -- he could read minds. After all these years, and people snickering at him, finally he could prove his genius! Then a short time before he was scheduled to prove his modest but ground-breaking powers to the world on live television, they stoppped. Maybe the explanation is that his Pineal gland (google it, it’s the “third eye”) started to scar too much and blocked the new power. In any case, he couldn’t perform, and made a total fool of himself in the live demonstration. He lost funding, and became just an unemployed quack.
Now, determined to prove he’s not a failure, he’s funded by a mob family. He will stop at nothing to reproduce the results he once had.
Maybe the side effects of the surgery are some sort of mania, or schizophrenia, but in any case, the mob guys think he can do it, so they fund his shady lab.
I’m totally not buying the wealthy families putting their sweet little darlings in his lab though. I’m thinking there should be a black market for children, orphans, kids who won’t be missed. They do some testing to find the smart ones if you think that’s really necessary to the story, then bring them into the lab for testing and surgery.
Maybe Ariel is just an orphan, and the Venice is the family who funded her. Maybe her experiment worked, but she also has residual mental problems. Maybe she ha to stay on a dose of steroids to prevent scarring in her pineal in order to keep the powers (that could actually be a game play element perhaps).
The real, important question here though is, what is your goal? All this stuff might become clear if you had a concept of the conversation you’re trying to have through the storyline, and if you knew who these character are in term of archetypes. Have you thought about any of that?
Author
Quote:The real, important question here though is, what is your goal? All this stuff might become clear if you had a concept of the conversation you’re trying to have through the storyline, and if you knew who these character are in term of archetypes. Have you thought about any of that?
Yes, I actually have thought of that. To me, using archetypes is somewhat of a supplementary goal, but I try not to let it cloud most of my story writing in order to let things move on more naturally. I look to the general guidelines of story once in a while to make sure I'm doing something right.
As for my goal, mainly my goal for this plot is to put some explanation as to why both monsters are appearing and as to why one of the characters has psychic powers. Zion Glendale is actually going to be kidnapped, or you can say rescued, from his hospital by a man named Syne, who use to be Larry's rival when they were on the police force.
A little about Syne's personality: he cares about balancing order and chaos. I built up that the reason for his true neutral, but passionate standing for this type of outlook is through him being a member of an unknown religion known as Rudhaism. When I say unknown, I mean that it's a religion hardly known to the world as a whole. The religion preaches that there is no exact good or evil, nor is law or chaos true. Thus, Syne shows prejudice nor an affinity for one side or another. He is known to switch from the good side to the bad side often just so he could push along his personal goals of keeping things in check. You could call him a vigilante or a villain, that's the point for explaining his paradox.
So back to the main story, Syne gets information on the Cerebral project and learns about Zion. He does regular visits to the man under the guise of a security cop, since he's still a cop at this time, and soon enough learns that he is slowly developing his psychic powers, the very powers the scientists said he didn't have any capabilities of manifesting. Being a man who hates the city of Millennium, he takes the chance of taking Zion away and helping him develop these powers of his in hopes of making use of them to carry out his master plan of "cleansing the city." Sure enough, Zion's power seems to be high tier, having the capability of producing things from his imagination, though occasionally since he doesn't have any real mental grasp on this power, mainly due to his state of mind. One of these things become monsters, through Syne's convincing. The monsters will be small at first, but as Syne helps him develop his power, he's going to be pulling out more deadly stuff. Yet again, I want to keep the story as contemporary as possible without it becoming too much of a sci fi story.
EDIT: However, if I go the "Uriels are doing it" route, then instead, Zion wouldn't be captured, but I will be using him in the story to show his "development." Syne would collaborate with the Uriels likely, giving them stuff he gets from the labs in the city to help them with their mutual goals.
Okay, about the Cerebral project. You're right in that the story about the kids is hard to realize, and I even feel this way. I even thought about using orphans, but I was afraid of using a cliche on that one. Having rich parents who care little about their kids was suppose to be a refreshing plot point in addition to throwing in an emotional point of how corruption has muddled the minds of the rich with their thoughts of only money. The basis for this was that Ariel hates her parents due to them giving little time to be with her and her little sister, as they like to engage in their more personal lives of business and other ganders. The two parents even cheated on one another and don't care. Their marriage is mainly mutual. The plot that is going to take place is that Ariel is going to end up murdering her parents without anyone finding out and taking over her father's corporation ten years later.
But I can use the orphan plot, if that'll seem "okay." In a city such as this, I'm sure getting some volunteers won't be hard. In addition, I'll probably throw out the "have to be smart" requirement for a cerebral to open up the amount of people who can become psychics.
I will also like to add that the overall theme I'm going for this story is similar to the settings used in the pulp fiction hard-boiled detective stories. Only, the protagonist is not a detective, but a bounty hunter, and that there's going to be some "supernatural/ sci fi" stuff going on. Mainly, the premise is:
A former cop turned bounty hunter who is trying to patch up an already corrupt environment (what do you think if I bring back the hard-boiled detective icon that was popular in the 20s and change his occupation?) and will eventually transform into a man who ends up changing the entire city through the plots he follows in the game.
[Edited by - Zido_Z on September 12, 2009 10:47:38 AM]
Honestly, the further I read into this post, the less the story made sense. It sounds like you're making it way too complicated. Unless you're sure you can handle a story with as many twists and turns as it has, I would stick with something a bit more basic. There were a few things that stuck out to me that I thought i'd mention.
First off, what does it mean for this world to be civilized? Why would that rid the world of nature? If anything, a civilized world would put more of an emphasis on preservation. Was this an alien-like earth that was terraformed? Or did you mean the world had become much more industrialized?
What exactly is a "contemporary time"? Do you mean a present time in relation to where we are now?
The "A cop that's been pushed too far... plays by his own rules" is a very very well worn cliche. In most cases, simply stating that he is that type of character hurts the story unless you're going for some sort of parody. You can introduce him as a bounty hunter and gradually reveal through the story that he is an ex-cop. I am assuming he is the protagonist of your story, and yet i know very little about him. Why did he leave the force? Has he fallen from grace? Was he a good cop that was set up because he refused to give into corruption? Did he kill a child during an assignment and think that he couldn't change this town being associated with such a corrupt organization? What type of person is he? You say he plays by his own rules, is he a Punisher like character? Has he learned how to "play the game" and bend the rules every now and then? Or is he Mr. Boy Scout that refuses to be corrupted in any way and follows the rules to the T no matter how shady the situation becomes? You say he's popular and well known, unfortunately in a story in this kind of setting just stating he's a popular guy is a contradiction. How much of this city is corrupt? Who exactly is he popular with? If he's busting people on both the rich and poor side he's bound to be making a lot of enemies, not to mention among the corrupt cops and mafia.
I actually really liked the idea of the natural reserves and the Uriel. To me, the natural reserves feel like neutral zones in a very chaotic world. I thought the Uriel could be the guardians of the reserves, protecting them from any invaders. Like their territory, they too remain neutral oberservers to any events going on outside. Their single goal is to preserve the last bit of nature from anyone who they feel is a threat whether they have good or bad intentions. I see no reason why they cannot be a single race in tune with nature.
Bounty hunters and mercenaries are also a pretty well used idea. Not that it's a bad thing for this type of story. I'm not sure why the whole fiscal aspect was brought up. It didn't make a whole lot of sense and seemed pretty misguided. To begin with, i didn't get the vibe that the police couldn't handle the work because they were low on money. To me, it seemed more likely that they were just spread too thin, which is usually the case in a corrupt city with an equally corrupt police force. I thought the whole mention of bounty hunters being at a disadvantage because of something about not being able to bribe was quite comical. You know, it costs a pretty decent amount of money and power to bribe, but it doesn't cost anything to threaten or cause bodily harm. A bullet speaks louder then paper. You don't run around hiring a butt load of bounty hunters and mercenaries giving a badge to anyone with a gun, that's not how it works. An organization, in this case the police, put bountys on certain individuals which is what bounty HUNTERS use to find their targets. You don't pay a hundred guys to hunt after one guy, you put a price on the guy's head and pay whoever catches him and brings him in first.
Regarding the inclusion of psychic powers... why? Why do they have to be psychic powers? If you feel uncomfortable with them being pyschic based, why not just make them something else? Honestly, I thought your story made much more sense when it was just the daughter of a rich family who had been experimented on instead of the "Cerebral 12". Especially considering you are going to have to give each of those children some sort of back story. Who are they? Why are they there? What are their powers? What importance do they have to the story? Your story has absolutely no flow, it feels like things just happen. First you have an ex cop that plays by his own rules then suddenly there is a girl with psychic powers but not really then suddenly there are monsters then suddenly there are 12 kids with powers then suddenly one of them is put in a mental hospital then suddenly there are 11 kids then suddenly there's a completely new character who is the rival of the first long forgotten character then suddenly one of the kids kills her parents and becomes leader of their company then suddenly then suddenly then suddenly... Your story is too complicated, every time you add something new part of your old story is forgotten or no longer makes any sense. Is the story about some bounty hunter trying to save the world or is it about a psychic girl or group of psychic kids? Your protagonist has absolutely no relation to this story. Does he encounter the girl and tries to save her? Is she an enemy he must stop? Is he an obstacle she or they must stop? At the end of your last post you had over 8 different factions: The cops, the ex cop bounty hunter, the uriel, the rich, the poor, the cerebral kids, the religion, the guy that kidnapped the crazy kid. None of which have any relation other then loose affiliations.
Let's step back for a second and look at some of the possibilities starting with just a single daughter with psychic powers. You could do something like...
(i'm assuming her name is Ariel)
First off, why does it make no sense that parents would experiment on their daughter? It's a very very very common plot device used in many video games and anime. In many cases, the cause of such actions aren't even negligence by the parents. They could just be some sort of religious or scientific fanatics that feel they are helping their daughter. Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, maybe they already have an heir to their company and are just using the younger daughter as a spare or maybe they never wanted her and are using her as a commodity. You can also do something like using a stolen Uriel relic/artifact as a catalyst for the experiments on the girl. Then during the experiment, there are complications that open a gate in which the monsters flow into the city and give the girl her powers. Perhaps powers that are also used by the monsters, a twist that may reveal answers as to why there are monsters before any of this is known. Perhaps then the experiment kills her parents and the girl is found wandering the streets about to be attacked by the monsters, but is saved by Larry. You could even give her amnesia or some sort of mental flaws, something that would drive Larry to want to protect the girl and find out what is happening.
All i can really suggest about the cerebral kids path is to lower the amount of children. 3-5 should be more then enough, you could even just try 2 to begin with.
"Science as a field requires that well-known, and well-regarded scientists actually produce research that changes the field." I just have to say that I thought this statement was kinda funny. Not all scientists that "produce research that changes the field" are well-known/regarded. All scientists have to start somewhere. There's a reason why they become well-known (in the scientific community). Heh I don't think I can name even 3 well-known scientists and their contributions without the aid of wikipedia.
It's ok to ask for help if you feel you need it, but you shouldn't second guess yourself. Just remember that this is your world, you can make it whatever you want however you want. If something doesn't quite fit, then make it fit. You don't want to make Ariel's powers based on magic or sci-fi? Then make them based on science. Instead of being psychic, they can be an unlocked ability awakened by increasing the percentage of brain power used through some sort of psychosis or surgery. Or perhaps some scientific experiment jumped her up to a more evolved human that has those sorts of abilities.
I hope that helps, good luck
First off, what does it mean for this world to be civilized? Why would that rid the world of nature? If anything, a civilized world would put more of an emphasis on preservation. Was this an alien-like earth that was terraformed? Or did you mean the world had become much more industrialized?
What exactly is a "contemporary time"? Do you mean a present time in relation to where we are now?
The "A cop that's been pushed too far... plays by his own rules" is a very very well worn cliche. In most cases, simply stating that he is that type of character hurts the story unless you're going for some sort of parody. You can introduce him as a bounty hunter and gradually reveal through the story that he is an ex-cop. I am assuming he is the protagonist of your story, and yet i know very little about him. Why did he leave the force? Has he fallen from grace? Was he a good cop that was set up because he refused to give into corruption? Did he kill a child during an assignment and think that he couldn't change this town being associated with such a corrupt organization? What type of person is he? You say he plays by his own rules, is he a Punisher like character? Has he learned how to "play the game" and bend the rules every now and then? Or is he Mr. Boy Scout that refuses to be corrupted in any way and follows the rules to the T no matter how shady the situation becomes? You say he's popular and well known, unfortunately in a story in this kind of setting just stating he's a popular guy is a contradiction. How much of this city is corrupt? Who exactly is he popular with? If he's busting people on both the rich and poor side he's bound to be making a lot of enemies, not to mention among the corrupt cops and mafia.
I actually really liked the idea of the natural reserves and the Uriel. To me, the natural reserves feel like neutral zones in a very chaotic world. I thought the Uriel could be the guardians of the reserves, protecting them from any invaders. Like their territory, they too remain neutral oberservers to any events going on outside. Their single goal is to preserve the last bit of nature from anyone who they feel is a threat whether they have good or bad intentions. I see no reason why they cannot be a single race in tune with nature.
Bounty hunters and mercenaries are also a pretty well used idea. Not that it's a bad thing for this type of story. I'm not sure why the whole fiscal aspect was brought up. It didn't make a whole lot of sense and seemed pretty misguided. To begin with, i didn't get the vibe that the police couldn't handle the work because they were low on money. To me, it seemed more likely that they were just spread too thin, which is usually the case in a corrupt city with an equally corrupt police force. I thought the whole mention of bounty hunters being at a disadvantage because of something about not being able to bribe was quite comical. You know, it costs a pretty decent amount of money and power to bribe, but it doesn't cost anything to threaten or cause bodily harm. A bullet speaks louder then paper. You don't run around hiring a butt load of bounty hunters and mercenaries giving a badge to anyone with a gun, that's not how it works. An organization, in this case the police, put bountys on certain individuals which is what bounty HUNTERS use to find their targets. You don't pay a hundred guys to hunt after one guy, you put a price on the guy's head and pay whoever catches him and brings him in first.
Regarding the inclusion of psychic powers... why? Why do they have to be psychic powers? If you feel uncomfortable with them being pyschic based, why not just make them something else? Honestly, I thought your story made much more sense when it was just the daughter of a rich family who had been experimented on instead of the "Cerebral 12". Especially considering you are going to have to give each of those children some sort of back story. Who are they? Why are they there? What are their powers? What importance do they have to the story? Your story has absolutely no flow, it feels like things just happen. First you have an ex cop that plays by his own rules then suddenly there is a girl with psychic powers but not really then suddenly there are monsters then suddenly there are 12 kids with powers then suddenly one of them is put in a mental hospital then suddenly there are 11 kids then suddenly there's a completely new character who is the rival of the first long forgotten character then suddenly one of the kids kills her parents and becomes leader of their company then suddenly then suddenly then suddenly... Your story is too complicated, every time you add something new part of your old story is forgotten or no longer makes any sense. Is the story about some bounty hunter trying to save the world or is it about a psychic girl or group of psychic kids? Your protagonist has absolutely no relation to this story. Does he encounter the girl and tries to save her? Is she an enemy he must stop? Is he an obstacle she or they must stop? At the end of your last post you had over 8 different factions: The cops, the ex cop bounty hunter, the uriel, the rich, the poor, the cerebral kids, the religion, the guy that kidnapped the crazy kid. None of which have any relation other then loose affiliations.
Let's step back for a second and look at some of the possibilities starting with just a single daughter with psychic powers. You could do something like...
(i'm assuming her name is Ariel)
First off, why does it make no sense that parents would experiment on their daughter? It's a very very very common plot device used in many video games and anime. In many cases, the cause of such actions aren't even negligence by the parents. They could just be some sort of religious or scientific fanatics that feel they are helping their daughter. Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, maybe they already have an heir to their company and are just using the younger daughter as a spare or maybe they never wanted her and are using her as a commodity. You can also do something like using a stolen Uriel relic/artifact as a catalyst for the experiments on the girl. Then during the experiment, there are complications that open a gate in which the monsters flow into the city and give the girl her powers. Perhaps powers that are also used by the monsters, a twist that may reveal answers as to why there are monsters before any of this is known. Perhaps then the experiment kills her parents and the girl is found wandering the streets about to be attacked by the monsters, but is saved by Larry. You could even give her amnesia or some sort of mental flaws, something that would drive Larry to want to protect the girl and find out what is happening.
All i can really suggest about the cerebral kids path is to lower the amount of children. 3-5 should be more then enough, you could even just try 2 to begin with.
"Science as a field requires that well-known, and well-regarded scientists actually produce research that changes the field." I just have to say that I thought this statement was kinda funny. Not all scientists that "produce research that changes the field" are well-known/regarded. All scientists have to start somewhere. There's a reason why they become well-known (in the scientific community). Heh I don't think I can name even 3 well-known scientists and their contributions without the aid of wikipedia.
It's ok to ask for help if you feel you need it, but you shouldn't second guess yourself. Just remember that this is your world, you can make it whatever you want however you want. If something doesn't quite fit, then make it fit. You don't want to make Ariel's powers based on magic or sci-fi? Then make them based on science. Instead of being psychic, they can be an unlocked ability awakened by increasing the percentage of brain power used through some sort of psychosis or surgery. Or perhaps some scientific experiment jumped her up to a more evolved human that has those sorts of abilities.
I hope that helps, good luck
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