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Jeremy Slupinski

Darkblade[story]

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If you'd like people to critique your work, it might help to make it easier on them by making it more easily accessible.

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Might I suggest not sharing your password online? If it's a document, you could easily just use Google's drive to share it.

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I wrote an intro to a game that can be viewed at https://www.dropbox.com/home. My email is jslupinski@icloud.com and password is stag beetle. enjoy Darkblade and don't be afraid to criticize.

It is now on google drive at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bqEna09tDTyjz2f6PF444ImcR6jqVG1i5Z4lgVg4LK4/edit?usp=sharing

 

I have never used google drive before so if I am doing anything wrong please tell me.

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Read your premise. Despite it being a whole page long, very little was spent writing on actual concrete happenings. Rather the bulk of it was simply descriptions. It reads more like a screen play for an opening cutscene rather then a premise for a story.

 

So he's down there because he's an archaeologist. He finds a sword which teleports him to some strange computer lab of sorts. Now he must find his way out. And that's it.

 

It needs more details on (for example) who is the protagonist? What are his motivations for being an archaeologist? What's the deal with the sword and lab and why should we as readers care?

 

I feel a bit more content needs to be added before I can form any opinion on the concept given.

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Well, you were right about it being an opening cutscene, however from here the story gets increasingly less straight forward.[spoiler]the sword actually rips a portal to other dimensions. and you will have to find the device that controls it.[/spoiler]. In my spare time I will be making multiple different story paths. It will take time to make an organized matrix for this.

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(Yea, definitely don't give out your account details online. Hopefully you've already changed the password)

 

[rollup="How to share files in your Dropbox folder"]

Right click on the file -> Dropbox -> Share link

 

sharingindropbox.png[/rollup]

Edited by Servant of the Lord

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