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Jason Mcclymont

what do u think of this game story

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It starts on a ship name  ventris at the end of a campaign that Uriel just lead and he realise that his ship ventris has been bored by the dark elder  

He then has to lead a repealing party to save the ship before they reach their home world to prevent the dark elder from  access to codex of the emperor  that will open a apocalypses gate

They don’t repeal the dark elder and the the fight change to the home world from the ship then it becomes a fight against the clock to see who get the codex then they fail to get the codex and the gate is opened and it becomes a mass universal battle between the dark elder and the neocons and chaos and triydis  then in heroic fashion the srgt then get the codex off the dark elder lord named Asdrubael Vect, Archon of the Kabal 

 

IT is for a course i am doing

Edited by jason8594

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It is very confusing. You are throwing around a lot of names and terms that seem specific to your game world without any setup or back story whatsoever. Usually in writing if you are going to kick off a story without much back story first, you want to try to keep from getting too specific on names, places, etc but instead ease the reader (or gamer) into the mythos of your world. And you are moving at a rapid pace with these problems. Consider expanding drastically on your concept, as it seems to be something that is supposed to take place over an entire game, and not just the opening scenes of it. I would suggest to make bullet points out of what you've written and try to fill in a good deal of the missing details that tell us more about these characters and places in order to make us care about them.

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Wow... much terms... such little context... what are dark eldar?  very confuze...  apocalypse gate...?  wow, sound scary...

codex is book...?  who is neocons...?  doge is 404 error, try again later.

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It starts on a ship name  ventris at the end of a campaign that Uriel just lead and he realise that his ship ventris has been bored by the dark elder  

He then has to lead a repealing party to save the ship before they reach their home world to prevent the dark elder from  access to codex of the emperor  that will open a apocalypses gate

They don’t repeal the dark elder and the the fight change to the home world from the ship then it becomes a fight against the clock to see who get the codex then they fail to get the codex and the gate is opened and it becomes a mass universal battle between the dark elder and the neocons and chaos and triydis  then in heroic fashion the srgt then get the codex off the dark elder lord named Asdrubael Vect, Archon of the Kabal

it is a idea and a draft for now

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Well, considering you are wildly infringing on Games Workshop's IP, the only way this project will happen is if is never published anywhere. GW is extremely picky and C&D-happy, the moment they hear about it, you can be sure it will be shut down.

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You should avoid leaning on other people's IP, like Dark Eldar, as already mentioned. You can surely invent something more personal to fill the same general role of evil crazy race.

A standard MacGuffin plot (in this case keeping the codex safe or stealing it to unleash its apocalyptic power) is an appropriate justification for a sequence of varied battles: units vary because multiple factions join the contest, form and break alliances, get reinforcements, send different armies, etc. without losing hope, while environments and objectives vary as the current MacGuffin holder moves it around.

The story is suitable for a wargame, or possibly a RPG; avoid pointless complications (do you need "neocons and chaos and triydis", whoever they are, in addition to Dark Eldar bad guys and Ventris Ship good guys?) and repetitive fights without meaningful developments (a "mass universal battle" doesn't sound necessarily fun) .

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Simplicity is key. Sum up the plot in a sentence or two. The other details will develop throughout the games development.. Keep it simple, keep it concise, and keep it short. Here's an example of how a convoluted story concept can turn a player off. I will use the original Mario Bros. as an example. "You are an Italian plumber named Mario. Your love interest, the ruler of a place called The Mushroom Kingdom,Princess Peach, is kidnapped by an evil Turtle named Bowser. You must navigate your way through sewer pipes, swim through an ocean , and jump the tops of mountainous mushrooms in order to find the castle where the princess is being held hostage. Along the way you must fight evil turtles and mushrooms as well as collect special powers hidden inside bricks which you must smash with your head. You eventually destroy the evil Bowser and rescue the princess. "

 

Sounds absurd, right? Here is the story of Mario simplified.

 

"You are a plumber named Mario. The love of your life, a Princess, is kidnapped and held hostage deep somewhere deep within the sewer system. You have to save her".

 

That is the story of Mario simplified. Forget all the turtles and mushrooms. Make the plot simple and the rest will fall into place during development. 

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