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what do u think of this game story

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It starts on a ship name  ventris at the end of a campaign that Uriel just lead and he realise that his ship ventris has been bored by the dark elder  

He then has to lead a repealing party to save the ship before they reach their home world to prevent the dark elder from  access to codex of the emperor  that will open a apocalypses gate

They don’t repeal the dark elder and the the fight change to the home world from the ship then it becomes a fight against the clock to see who get the codex then they fail to get the codex and the gate is opened and it becomes a mass universal battle between the dark elder and the neocons and chaos and triydis  then in heroic fashion the srgt then get the codex off the dark elder lord named Asdrubael Vect, Archon of the Kabal 

 

IT is for a course i am doing

Edited by jason8594

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It is very confusing. You are throwing around a lot of names and terms that seem specific to your game world without any setup or back story whatsoever. Usually in writing if you are going to kick off a story without much back story first, you want to try to keep from getting too specific on names, places, etc but instead ease the reader (or gamer) into the mythos of your world. And you are moving at a rapid pace with these problems. Consider expanding drastically on your concept, as it seems to be something that is supposed to take place over an entire game, and not just the opening scenes of it. I would suggest to make bullet points out of what you've written and try to fill in a good deal of the missing details that tell us more about these characters and places in order to make us care about them.

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Wow... much terms... such little context... what are dark eldar?  very confuze...  apocalypse gate...?  wow, sound scary...

codex is book...?  who is neocons...?  doge is 404 error, try again later.

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It starts on a ship name  ventris at the end of a campaign that Uriel just lead and he realise that his ship ventris has been bored by the dark elder  

He then has to lead a repealing party to save the ship before they reach their home world to prevent the dark elder from  access to codex of the emperor  that will open a apocalypses gate

They don’t repeal the dark elder and the the fight change to the home world from the ship then it becomes a fight against the clock to see who get the codex then they fail to get the codex and the gate is opened and it becomes a mass universal battle between the dark elder and the neocons and chaos and triydis  then in heroic fashion the srgt then get the codex off the dark elder lord named Asdrubael Vect, Archon of the Kabal

it is a idea and a draft for now

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Well, considering you are wildly infringing on Games Workshop's IP, the only way this project will happen is if is never published anywhere. GW is extremely picky and C&D-happy, the moment they hear about it, you can be sure it will be shut down.

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You should avoid leaning on other people's IP, like Dark Eldar, as already mentioned. You can surely invent something more personal to fill the same general role of evil crazy race.

A standard MacGuffin plot (in this case keeping the codex safe or stealing it to unleash its apocalyptic power) is an appropriate justification for a sequence of varied battles: units vary because multiple factions join the contest, form and break alliances, get reinforcements, send different armies, etc. without losing hope, while environments and objectives vary as the current MacGuffin holder moves it around.

The story is suitable for a wargame, or possibly a RPG; avoid pointless complications (do you need "neocons and chaos and triydis", whoever they are, in addition to Dark Eldar bad guys and Ventris Ship good guys?) and repetitive fights without meaningful developments (a "mass universal battle" doesn't sound necessarily fun) .

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Simplicity is key. Sum up the plot in a sentence or two. The other details will develop throughout the games development.. Keep it simple, keep it concise, and keep it short. Here's an example of how a convoluted story concept can turn a player off. I will use the original Mario Bros. as an example. "You are an Italian plumber named Mario. Your love interest, the ruler of a place called The Mushroom Kingdom,Princess Peach, is kidnapped by an evil Turtle named Bowser. You must navigate your way through sewer pipes, swim through an ocean , and jump the tops of mountainous mushrooms in order to find the castle where the princess is being held hostage. Along the way you must fight evil turtles and mushrooms as well as collect special powers hidden inside bricks which you must smash with your head. You eventually destroy the evil Bowser and rescue the princess. "

 

Sounds absurd, right? Here is the story of Mario simplified.

 

"You are a plumber named Mario. The love of your life, a Princess, is kidnapped and held hostage deep somewhere deep within the sewer system. You have to save her".

 

That is the story of Mario simplified. Forget all the turtles and mushrooms. Make the plot simple and the rest will fall into place during development. 

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I kinda got lost of what's going on in the middle of the story. It's good and really interesting and I can tell you have given it quite a thought but I agree that you need to keep things simple, maybe finding a middle way is a good piece of advise?

I personally like having a vivid lore that evolves around the whole point of the game. I guess it all depends on the genre and your audience: when it comes to a simple platform game, simplicity is the key, but proper mmorpg players may expect the story to evolve, and later to build up with time.

Good luck!

Edited by vern1204

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Have you tried forming a Story Spine for your plot?

I've found that it sometimes helps give more definition to your work, at least in your mind when thinking about it, even if it doesn't change your plot.

 

Or you can try a ten-point plot outline.

 

As it is, you may have a clearer idea in your head about your world and plot... but if you can't communicate it clearly to your readers/players/viewers, it can't ever leave your head and enter ours.

 

Part of communication is definitely proper punctuation and spelling - it doesn't have to be grammar-nazi perfect, but it does have to have at least a minimum amount of effort put in - it's just common courtesy to present the information neatly and well-formatted. It'll make you a better writer as well, if you use every opportunity to write properly.

It'll get you better, more-serious, responses instead of cat and dog pictures.

 

Another big part of written communication is not throwing too many unknowns at your readers at once, and every unknown that you do throw at your readers, you either need to explain it immediately or else explain (to the reader) that it won't be explained until later.

 

If I say, "Samil captured Moka and gained possession of The Single Necklace", that is utter gibberish and makes no sense to any readers... until they know and fear Samil, know and love Moka, and understand and respect the The Single Necklace.

 

Without explaining these names, my readers wouldn't understand and wouldn't care about those three names.

 

But if I explain the names, building up their meaning over an entire book, it makes a huge difference. Observe:

[spoiler]Sauron captured Frodo and gained possession of the One Ring.

 

You know and fear Sauron, know and love Frodo, and understand and respect the One Ring.[/spoiler]

Edited by Servant of the Lord

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