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Story for an RTS - City Building/Warfaring Tactical Game

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Hello all, 


  I am working on a game whose story is important in only that it serves as a background for the game. It took me a few days to hammer out the details, and I want to know if it is pretty good. 


The title of the project is thunderhead and it places the player on a planet that needs to be colonized so humans can live there. Unfortunately a hostile alien race lives there as well, but they aren't good people. The full story is below.


Ty in advance. 


 In 2400 the world was invaded by an unknown foreign species. This species destroyed the world and forced the eviction of every human on the planet. All humans that remained were systematically exterminated. The ones, who made it out, did so on specialized space ships used to sustain life for long periods of time.

                For a time, society was rebuilt in the heavens. Although most people were comfortable with the life they carved from the stars, one man, Obadiah Jones, longed for the world of his grandfather, the world of green grass and blue skies.  He persuaded the captain of each remaining ship to begin colonizing a planet that was found to be sustainable. This planet was dubbed, New Earth.

                Obadiah was given a set amount of resources to explore and colonize the planet. When scoping out the planet it was discovered that the alien race that nearly wiped out the entire human population had colonized every inch of this planet. So, another was to be found. Planet after planet was found, but each planet was found to be inhabited by the same alien species.

                Troops were rallied as the remaining races of men no longer wanted to hide in the heavens. They wanted to take back their birthright. Sure they couldn’t reclaim their home world, but they could carve out a new home in the final frontier.

                One by one the war against the alien species, now dubbed the Envahisseur, had begun. Obadiah and his troops reclaimed new earth. He showed the rest of humanity that they could be how they were, dominating the skies and earth. Several commanders were chosen to reclaim other nearby planets.

                And so you have been chosen as one of the commanders to begin colonizing one of the discovered planets. You begin by attacking a small Envahisseur village. 



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I know the story is only done as a back-ground, and therefore isn’t terribly important but a few pointers that might make it flow a little better;

1. Firstly you refer to “the world” in the first couple of lines, if you mean the Earth, it would flow better with that explicitly stated, refers back to the birth-place of humanity, cradle of civilization etc etc.

2. Unknown foreign species – human’s probably named their foe something if they survived long enough to flee, whether these are alien, or another sect of humans would be an important distinction – so a line such as “In 2400 the Earth still reeling from its most recent inter-stellar war,  was invaded by an unknown foreign species; the bug-like Envahisseur” (NB – example only)
Change the word eviction to evacuation in the second sentence. Final sentence –
The ones who managed to escape, the “lucky ones” did so on large colony ships, already prepared for the next wave of colonization away from Sol.

3. Flesh Obadiah out a little more, than just an idealistic dreamer & you are there with that one.

4. When referring to the “aliens” again – give them a name, give them an identity rather than them being a faceless mass.

5. Consider changing “Sure they couldn’t reclaim their homeworld” to something like “For now, they couldn’t reclaim their home-world, but this didn’t stop them dreaming of a return there one day”

6. Final introduction as a “Commander” – given the fact this sounds like a military rank, you need to invent some fictitious military that the humans respond to – not only does this allow you to flesh-out “mission briefings” more, it gives a central rallying point. Something like a New Earth Defence Force – for lack of a better term for now.

7. With these aliens being so overwhelming, don’t have them attaching a village – consider them attacking a “small introduction colony”

These are all just suggestions & obviously tweak as you will, but a change along these lines may help flesh it out a little more & give a nice little background to it.

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