Jump to content
  • Advertisement
Sign in to follow this  
Shay Yizhak

Help with writing for a game

This topic is 1471 days old which is more than the 365 day threshold we allow for new replies. Please post a new topic.

If you intended to correct an error in the post then please contact us.

Recommended Posts

Hi guys!

 

I'm usually a good enough of a writer, but when writing for games, I have to write in English, which is not my first language, so it turns out harder than expected.

 

At the moment we're working on a game which have 7 characters, each with his own back-story, which will be revealed to the player in 16 parts. Each part giving a bit more information about the character. Those parts are supposed to be short texts, read by the character himself. I'd appreciate it if you guys can have a look at the first part for the first character's story line, and give your comments / ideas / questions about it.

 

Just some background before you start reading: the game is a dark fantasy game, with very dark atmosphere. The character we're talking about here is a big burly warrior (almost like a barbarian).

 

Dirt. I always loved dirt.

 
Not the way you're thinking about.
 
I love its purity. Its innocence. Dirt never hurt anyone. Dirt can be trusted.
 
Dirt sticks to your hands after a long day of working in the sun. Every time. Giving a warm, fun feeling to your hands. And yet -
with just a bit of water - it washes off.
 
Dirt can be trusted.
 
Dirt in not human...
 
I miss my old life. I miss being a farmer. Sometimes I wake up late at night, cold and sweaty, and my hand itches. It itches to
hold a plough once again. Just once more. When that happens, I have to clench my fist, usually over my ax's handle. The ax is
so cold, it removes all though of dirt from my mind. The ax doesn't like dirt. Dirt hurts the ax. The ax only wants one thing: the ax
wants blood.
 
I usually wake up when that happens, shake the dreams away. There's job to be done, and I left that old life behind me. I used to
be a farmer, but no more. Even if my body hasn't accepted it yet - it's a fact.
 
I wake up, but I don't touch the ax anymore. The ax is the last thing I pick up before I start my day. Once I pick up that ax - 
there's only one thing to do - I need to fulfill its demands.
 
And the ax only wants one thing.

 

 

Thanks a lot!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Advertisement

Looks great to me, but then again, english isn't my first language either. Since it's fantasy, you can turn this into an advantage, as the dialogue may sound faintly foreign, different from the player's everyday speech.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The text seems fine to me too. There are some minor typos and maybe one or two things might be said a little bit differently by a native English speaker, but it makes me want to get to know the character and play the game, which is probably a good thing :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dirt in not human...

 

Usually the phrase "is not human" would have a negative meaning, but you are trying to be positive about dirt here.  So instead I would say "Unlike humans." or "Not like people.  People are never trustworthy..."

 

 

I miss my old life. I miss being a farmer. Sometimes I wake up late at night, cold and sweaty, and my hand itches. It itches to hold a plough once again. Just once more. When that happens, I have to clench my fist, usually over my ax's handle. The ax is so cold, it removes all though of dirt from my mind. The ax doesn't like dirt. Dirt hurts the ax. The ax only wants one thing: the ax wants blood.
 

Aside from the thought/though typo, I question the logic here.  An axe handle is very similar to a plough handle.  Blood enriches dirt.  If dirt represents the opposite of people, blood should be thematically allied with dirt because blood represents the removal of people.

 

 

Once I pick up that ax - there's only one thing to do - I need to fulfill its demands.

 

I personally would use a comma instead of the first dash here.  Not very important though.

Edited by sunandshadow

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

  • Advertisement
×

Important Information

By using GameDev.net, you agree to our community Guidelines, Terms of Use, and Privacy Policy.

GameDev.net is your game development community. Create an account for your GameDev Portfolio and participate in the largest developer community in the games industry.

Sign me up!