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Growl Kat

What Do You Thing About This Base History?

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Well... I will wrated a history base of a game project (With a so slow progress and without any guy helping me).

Its a game likes to the Dark Souls series (An Action RPG with some Hack n Slash sources) and im working in his history (and sure, in the LORE). His ambient as in our present but with an fiction things and so much weapon relics.

And this is:

In the town of {insert cool town name}, lives our protagonist: Chris, he is a guy with 6 months of marriage with his wife Melody, she has pregned on his 6 months.

Everything is normal until the arrival of an a misterious mans with a black and yellow clotes, they atack the town and will stole the youngest people in the town, with this, Melody has stoled, because his child in her body, Chris knowing his town can´t have any future without the young people start to make a plan to report his to the national security center. But the misterious mans has forgotten a white artefact, causing Chris scratches with his thing, making contact with his blood, and after this, Chris be transported to a devasted city, and after an problems in this city, Chris meet a hunter of this city escaping constantly of a mans likes the invaders of his town.

The man explains to Chris the next things: He is no more in his town, he is now in the poor city of Graidhug, an great city but a home of a inhuman sect called himselfs "The Summon Sect", bringing tribute to an ancinent deity called "The Creator", in his rituals they constantly sacrify young people extracting a thing they call "The Bloody Escence", its an energy extracted in his hearts to make the rituals and make they strongers. But the pat to the leader´s lair is locked with a strong energy, Its because they can prevent surprise atacks.

If anyone needs to open his path, its needed to extract the most evil bloody escences in the city: The Summon´s Escences, its will be planted in the hearts of 6 mans to make a hard work open this, the Summon´s Centinels are: Ránoram, Sertherous, Rhun´ Alum, Mikhaello, Abyss and Phaloryx. If Chris need to enter to his path, he need to explore Graidhug and kill his monsters with human body to make his job.

 

I need some sugerences to improve my work, what can be more original and what can be with better logic and more exciting? And sure, what can be a good title? (In the title I have planed the name "Hollow The Fear", but to me its not so great)

If you can sugest anything, don´t forget to make a comment, its free!

Writen: Erik (Or Growl Kat)

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The very first thing you need to do is proofread and edit the above post. It is full of spelling mistakes and poorly constructed sentences to the point of incomprehensibility in places. Examples of this include:

wrated = wrote

misterious = mysterious

clotes = clothes

 

Ah -- I have just discovered why. You are a native Spanish speaker writing in English, or at least that's what Google Translate implies when I looked up sugerences (suggestions).

 

As an example of how you might rewrite this:

 

Well... I will wrated a history base of a game project (With a so slow progress and without any guy helping me).
 
I am slowly writing the lore and story design of a game project by myself.
 
Its a game likes to the Dark Souls series (An Action RPG with some Hack n Slash sources) and im working in his history (and sure, in the LORE). His ambient as in our present but with an fiction things and so much weapon relics.
 
It's a game similar in play to that of Dark Souls, with its story and environment set in a modern world with additional fictional and weaponry elements added.
 
And this is:
 
In the town of {insert cool town name}, lives our protagonist: Chris, he is a guy with 6 months of marriage with his wife Melody, she has pregned on his 6 months.
 
Setting
 
The protagonist, Chris lives with his pregnant wife, Melody  in the peaceful town of Holdom. They have been married for six months and are looking forward to the birth of their child.
 
Everything is normal until the arrival of an a misterious mans with a black and yellow clotes, they atack the town and will stole the youngest people in the town, with this, Melody has stoled, because his child in her body, Chris knowing his town can´t have any future without the young people start to make a plan to report his to the national security center. But the misterious mans has forgotten a white artefact, causing Chris scratches with his thing, making contact with his blood, and after this, Chris be transported to a devasted city, and after an problems in this city, Chris meet a hunter of this city escaping constantly of a mans likes the invaders of his town.
 
Catalyst
 
The town is suddenly beset by the arrival of mysterious men clad in black and yellow, who attack the town and take away all the children and pregnant women, including Melody. Chris in seeking Melody finds a white artefact which comes into contact with Chris's blood (injuries from the attack) and transports him to an unknown, devastated city. Navigating his way through the hazards of the place, Chris comes across another person who is trying escape from one of the black and yellow clad invaders.
 
 
Now I have taken slight liberties with the story in this rewrite, but I hope you can see what I am attempting to demonstrate. Keep the sentences clear and focused. 
Edited by Stormynature

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There's an obvious omission: how can Chris defeat the numerous evil minions and powerful leaders of this horrible cult?

You describe him only as a married guy: even if generically heroic and very motivated, he doesn't seem qualified to challenge even a group of basic mooks (like the raiders who kidnapped his wife), let alone magically enhanced priests.
 

I suggest representing Chris (find a better name, by the way) as a decently trained combatant (e.g. a war veteran) and giving him some mundane and magical tools and advantages almost from the start: allies could equip him in Graidhug, or the "white artifact" might be a powerful magical weapon that drains "bloody essence" from the people it wounds (allowing the protagonist to use evil magic without being really evil himself).

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