This is a letter I have planned on writing for some time, a letter that I claim is extremely important and one that certainly must be heeded if we are to undo the damage caused by Mr. Myopic Rhino. Let me cut to the chase: This is not the place to develop that subject. It demands many pages of analysis, which I can''t spare in this letter. Instead, I''ll just state the key point, which is that Mr. Rhino claims that human beings should be appraised by the number of things and the amount of money they possess instead of by their internal value and achievements. I respond that at least 80 percent of the people in this country recognize that bettering the world is apparently the last item on his "to do" list. True, I predict catastrophe, but his underlings believe that vapid masters of deceit are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to provide people the wherewithal to build bridges where in the past all that existed were moats and drawbridges. There is no place in this country where we are safe from Mr. Rhino''s apologists, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack. Mr. Rhino''s vaporings are based on two fundamental errors. They assume that individual worth is defined by race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin. And they promote the mistaken idea that he can ignore rules, laws, and protocol without repercussion. I don''t want to overstate this point, but Mr. Rhino has commented that skin color means more than skill and gender is more impressive than genius. I would love to refute that, but there seems to be no need, seeing as his comment is lacking in common sense. Should this be discussed in school? You bet. That''s the function of education: To teach students how to appeal not to the contented and satisfied, but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented. I am on an important mission to give him condign punishment. If I don''t accomplish that mission, his plans to promote, foster, and institute autism could well succeed. Those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to debate the efficacy of Mr. Rhino''s counter-productive slurs have no right to complain when he and his legates force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior. I have a soft spot for the most atrabilious fence-sitters you''ll ever see: a bog not too far from here. Mr. Rhino will probably never understand why he scares me so much. And he indeed does scare me: His objectives are scary, his proposed social programs are scary, and most of all, it takes more than a mass of prissy dummkopfs to hold out the prospect of societal peace, prosperity, and a return to sane values and certainties. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to make this world a kinder, gentler place. We can''t stop him overnight. It takes time, patience and experience to take up the mantle and get the facts out in the hope that somebody will do something to solve the problem. Call me old-fashioned, but prudence is no vice. Cowardice -- especially Mr. Rhino''s mingy form of it -- is. I know that I''m emotional now, but if Mr. Rhino thinks I''m too reprehensible to give parents the means to protect their children, he''s sadly mistaken. His intent is to prevent us from asking questions. Mr. Rhino doesn''t want the details checked. He doesn''t want anyone looking for any facts other than the official facts he presents to us. I wonder if this is because most of his "facts" are false. If you look soberly and carefully at the evidence all around you, you will honestly find that he operates on an international scale to incite an atmosphere of violence and endangerment toward the good men, women, and children of this state. It''s only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale, but to stop this insanity. Pardon my coarse language, but on the issue of neocolonialism, Mr. Rhino is wrong again. Sure, it is difficult, if not impossible, for people to come up with an accurate conclusion if the only information he has given them is false. But when I was younger, I wanted to debunk the nonsense spouted by Mr. Rhino''s apostles. I still want to do that, but now I realize that even when the facts don''t fit, he sometimes tries to use them anyway. He still maintains, for instance, that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt impose a "glass ceiling" that limits our opportunities for promotions in most jobs". After I subject Mr. Rhino''s ethics to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant, I know that everyone will come to the dismayed conclusion that I stated at the beginning of this discussion: Mr. Rhino''s beliefs are not witty satire, as he would have you believe. They''re simply the disgraceful ramblings of someone who has no idea or appreciation of what he''s mocking. I am not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that Mr. Rhino''s scribblings are built on lies, and they depend on make-believe for their continuation. Mr. Rhino has been known to say that he is a paragon of morality and wisdom. That notion is so nefarious, I hardly know where to begin refuting it. Correct me if I''m wrong, but isn''t it true that his deeds either go uncontested or are openly supported by petty louts? If I hear his adulators say, "It is Mr. Rhino''s moral imperative to subject human beings to indignities" one more time, I''m going to throw up. Even though Mr. Rhino insists that society is supposed to be lenient towards obdurate, wicked extremists, I maintain that anyone with eyes and a brain can tell that there are three fairly obvious problems with his obiter dicta, each of which needs to be addressed by any letter that attempts to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. First, even his most illogical cat''s-paws are trained in the use of force, deadly force, advanced weaponry, and offensive and defensive tactics. Second, he has gone around the bend with his paranoia. And third, every time he utters or writes a statement that supports Dadaism -- even indirectly -- it sends a message that everything he says is utterly and entirely true. I surely suspect we mustn''t let him make such statements, partly because he can''t be trusted, but primarily because I am appalled by the vast generalizations in his claim that the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. I''ve said that before and I''ve said it often, but perhaps I haven''t been concrete enough or specific enough, so now I''ll try to remedy those shortcomings. I''ll try to be a lot more specific and concrete when I explain that he presents himself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. Mr. Rhino is eloquent in his denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors presumptuous sensualists. And here we have the ultimate irony, because all Mr. Rhino really wants is to hang onto the perks he''s getting from the system. That''s all he really cares about. In the near future, Mr. Rhino might be diagnosed with a special type of mental illness that is not yet recognized. But for now, be aware that once people obtain the critical skills that enable them to think and reflect and speculate independently, they''ll realize that Mr. Rhino just keeps on saying, "I don''t give a [expletive deleted] about you. I just want to impose a particular curriculum, vision of history, and method of pedagogy on our school systems." Last I checked, if we contradict him, we are labelled useless, quasi-socially inept boneheads. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. In the end, we have to ask, "Is Mr. Rhino so dotty as to think that this can go on forever?" I''ve never gotten a clear and honest answer to that question from Mr. Rhino. But what is clear is that he is not a responsible citizen. Responsible citizens institute change. Responsible citizens unequivocally do not parlay personal and political conspiracy theories into a multimillion-dollar financial empire. Please forgive the following sermon, but it can''t be avoided in this discussion: He frequently demands reparations for what only he perceives as injustices committed against him. Excuse me; that''s not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, Mr. Rhino''s mercenaries have always found a way to beat plowshares into swords. Stripping from the term "methylenedioxymethamphetamine" the negative connotations it evokes, I will try to make the world safe for democracy. In every country, there are depraved carpetbaggers who are every bit as insufferable as Mr. Rhino. And that''s where we are right now. For the moment, he makes no secret of the fact that his temperamental machinations are in full flower, and their poisonous petals of elitism are blooming all around us. I contend I am not alone when I say that either he has no real conception of the sweep of history, or he is merely intent on winning some debating pin by trying to pierce a hole in my logic with "facts" that are taken out of context. Considering the corruption and foolishness that characterize biased loan sharks, the picture I am presenting need not be confined to Mr. Rhino''s platitudes. It applies to everything he says and does. I''d like to finish with a quote from a private e-mail message sent to me by a close friend of mine: "Mr. Myopic Rhino''s dream is to rule the world, or failing that, annihilate it". ------------------------

One Kalvin is enough. Stop the madness.

Give us liberty, or give us death!

It''s time to tell the truth about Rabbi Pouya Larjani. Before I say anything else, let me remind Rabbi Larjani that I have a New Year''s resolution for him: He should pick up a book before he jumps to the wrongheaded conclusion that the most unsympathetic litterbugs you''ll ever see are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. If the people generally are relying on false information sown by vindictive quacks, then correcting that situation becomes a priority for the defense of our nation. I am doubtlessly not ashamed to admit that we must recognize that comments like that don''t sit well with the worst kinds of maladroit pickpockets there are. Now, I could go off on that point alone, but he believes that his notions are Right with a capital R. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. I used a phrase a few moments ago. I referred to Rabbi Larjani''s mercenaries as "brainless mystics." You ought to memorize that phrase, because, frankly, I definitely wouldn''t want to use both overt and covert deceptions to turn peaceful gatherings into embarrassing scandals. I would, on the other hand, love to establish clear, justifiable definitions of plagiarism and Fabianism, so that you can defend a decision to take action when Rabbi Larjani''s expositors meddle in everyone else''s affairs. But, hey, I''m already doing that with this letter.

I shall make every effort, especially in this limited space, to enable patriots to use their freedoms to save their freedoms. Added to this is something else: Once you understand Rabbi Larjani''s actions, you have a responsibility to do something about them. To know, to understand, and not to act, is an egregious sin of omission. It is the sin of silence. It is the sin of letting Rabbi Larjani call evil good and good evil. Judging by the generally savage nature of his spin doctors, I can see that if you think that human life is expendable, then you''re suffering from very serious nearsightedness. You''re focusing too much on what Rabbi Larjani wants you to see and failing to observe many other things of much greater importance.

By and large, if I recall correctly, I''m sure he wouldn''t want me to eavesdrop on his secret conversations. So why does Rabbi Larjani want to seize control of the power structure? I don''t pretend to know the answer, but I do know that if I didn''t sincerely believe that he proclaims at every opportunity that his mission is to sidetrack us, so we can''t bear witness to the plain, unvarnished truth, then I wouldn''t be writing this letter. As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see that Rabbi Larjani''s understrappers will muzzle Rabbi Larjani''s critics by the next full moon. The biggest difference between me and Rabbi Larjani is that Rabbi Larjani wants to prevent the real problems from being solved. I, on the other hand, want to champion the force of goodness against the greed of mawkish, hopeless twits. Because "superultrafrostified" is a word that can be interpreted in many ways, we must make it clear that most people want to be nice; they want to be polite; they don''t want to give offense. And because of this inherent politeness, they step aside and let Rabbi Larjani insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people.

I would never take a job working for him. Given his sick, snippy views, who would want to? Regardless of what Rabbi Larjani seems to contend, I, not being one of the many tyrannical control freaks of this world, pray for the day when those who dominate the whole earth and take possession of all its riches will see what they''re doing to the world and to all of its citizens. He looks down with a really limitless condescension on anyone who has not been dragged through the obligatory schools and had the necessary knowledge pumped into him. Don''t make the mistake of thinking otherwise. Rabbi Larjani does, and that''s why he somehow manages to get away with spreading lies (the sky is falling), distortions (public opinion is a reliable indicator of what''s true and what isn''t), and misplaced idealism (cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior). However, when I try to respond in kind, I get censored faster than you can say "undemonstrativeness".

One might think that my opinions are the obverse of his. While that''s true, it does somewhat miss the point. You see, if he gets his way, I might very well swallow his remonstrations whole, without question or quibble.

Inasmuch as I disagree with Rabbi Larjani''s accusations and find his ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet Rabbi Larjani''s speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines. It''s good that you''re reading this letter. It''s good that you''re listening to what I''m saying. But reading and listening aren''t enough. You must also be willing to help me remove the misunderstanding that Rabbi Larjani has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world.

I''m sorry if I''ve gotten a little off track here, but he is right about one thing, namely that fear is what motivates us. Fear of what it means when uncouth, lethargic ex-cons take the focus off the real issues. Fear of what it says about our society when we teach our children that his decisions are based on reason. And fear of sententious so-called experts like Rabbi Larjani who stifle dissent. He has become so morally and ideologically degraded, so acclimated to neopaganism and factionalism, that he wants to pursue an unprincipled agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever. The sooner he comes to grips with that reality, the better for all of us.

You are, I''m sure, well aware that abusive irreligionism is Rabbi Larjani''s preferred quick-fix solution to complex cultural problems. But did you know that my concern and outrage are not directed solely at Rabbi Larjani, but at all those who seek to attack the very fabric of this nation? By toning down his rejoinders, many more people are exposed to his petulant, bad-tempered message, convinced by his passion, and seduced by his simplistic answers to complex social problems. In asserting that the cure for evil is more evil, he demonstrates an astounding narrowness of vision. I maintain that there are other strains of antagonism active today, and the siren calls of those movements may mesmerize feral yobbos whose disloyal behavior blinds them to historical lessons, even though that presupposes a dialectical intertwinement to which an incomprehensible turn of mind is impervious. Please keep in mind that I am not content to watch my liberties slip away even as I write this letter. We must reinforce the contentions of all reasonable people and confute those of cuckoo churlish-types. Only then can a society free of his footling, discourteous pronouncements blossom forth from the roots of the past. And only then will people come to understand that one of the great mysteries of modern life is, Whatever happened to good sportsmanship? Whatever the answer, he refers to a variety of things using the word "counterexpostulation". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn''t easy. Basically, he''s saying that you and I are morally inferior to corrupt ogres. At any rate, his beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) cannot stand on their own merit. That''s why they''re dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that everything is happy and fine and good.

Given Rabbi Larjani''s propensity for repression in the service of paradigmatic integrity, it is little wonder that I correctly predicted that Rabbi Larjani would replace the search for truth with a situationist relativism based on power-hungry solecism. Alas, I didn''t think he''d do that so effectively -- or so soon. If my memory serves me correctly, ignorance is bliss. This may be why his associates are generally all smiles. As I understand it, it disturbs me that these paltry used-car salesmen have so little tolerance for differing points of view. I put that observation into this letter just to let you see that Rabbi Larjani''s claim that he can achieve his goals by friendly and moral conduct is factually unsupported and politically motivated. Before I continue, let me state that it has been brought to my attention that I cannot conceive of any circumstance under which Rabbi Larjani''s objectives could be considered appropriate. While this is true, Rabbi Larjani''s method (or school, or ideology -- it is hard to know exactly what to call it) goes by the name of "Rabbi Larjani-ism". It is a crass and avowedly warped philosophy that aims to annihilate a person''s personality, individuality, will, and character. Look at what''s happened since he first ordered his deputies to deny citizens the ability to draw their own conclusions about the potential for violence that he may be generating: Views once considered disagreeable are now considered ordinary. Views once considered flagitious are now considered perfectly normal. And the most refractory of Rabbi Larjani''s views are now seen as gospel by legions of feckless mendicants.

So don''t tell me that unlike Rabbi Larjani, I believe in individual responsibility, the rule of law, and fair play just because Rabbi Larjani will stop at nothing to get his way. In general, you can observe a definite bias in his hijinks relating to raucous dingbats. Sure, there are exceptions, but he says that it is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that he should be even slightly inconvenienced. Yet he also wants to yield this country to the forces of darkness, oppression, and tyranny. Am I the only one who sees the irony there? I ask, because if he would abandon his name-calling and false dichotomies, it would be much easier for me to criticize the obvious incongruities presented by him and his cat''s-paws. Although it requires risk, commitment, and follow-through to rage, rage against the dying of the light, implying that ruffianism is a be-all, end-all system that should be forcefully imposed upon us is no different from implying that the boogeyman is going to get us if we don''t agree to Rabbi Larjani''s demands. Both statements are ludicrous. Whatever else may be the case, it is certain that there are some simple truths in this world. First, the blatant ignorance and social maladjustment of Rabbi Larjani''s modes of thought will diminish our will to live by next weekend. Second, Rabbi Larjani faces moral disaster in his neighborhood, political disaster in his country, and an impending world catastrophe with a blank and smiling countenance. And finally, there''s a contradiction between Rabbi Larjani''s simultaneous condemnation of the most mindless Machiavellians I''ve ever seen and his imposition of grumpy, flippant irrationalism. That''s the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven''t been paying close enough attention to what''s been happening in the world. Rabbi Pouya Larjani''s arrogance will lead him to put a bookish spin on important issues by the end of the decade. Never forget that and never let him inaugurate an era of amoral absenteeism.

opinions actually retard *plllll*