Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

allgoodnames

I'll just pass this on..

Recommended Posts

allgoodnames    122
The first draft of the introduction to "One Side" (working title) "This is bad. Ok, there’s nothing special to say that this morning is worse than any other morning, but it somehow feels like this is a very bad morning indeed. Slowly coming back to consciousness, with a splitting headache and no memories of yesterday is nothing new, rather quite common, and the lack of memories usually tell their tale of yesterday as effectively as any memories. Although not remembering neither name nor anything of the past does seem somewhat over the top. The air, cold as a daemons heart, smells of dried blood, which isn’t new either. When the eyes at last cooperate again, the first thing they see is a beige ceiling, stained with nicotine, moist and mould. And some dried up blood that’s been splattered on it near the walls. The room is small, neglected, unfurnished, and probably located in some condemned building somewhere. The colours are all hues of brown and beige, with some streaks towards rust-brown in the occult symbols drawn on the walls. In blood it seems. There’s a matching set on your chest. Looking around, you find yourself in a ring of burnt-out black candles, naked save for the dried up blood. At least it seems to have belonged to someone else. In a circle around you, sitting with their backs against the walls, are some corpses. At east you assume they are dead, their heads are missing quite a lot. Beneath the chin of one of them lies a combat shotgun, one of those nifty little things with a null-space-storage clip, and this seems to explain both their present condition, as wells as the bloodstains in the ceiling. As far as clothing goes, the corpses seem o follow the fashion you already have established, only adding quite a lot more blood, and that from their own veins, when they blasted themselves to hell. It’s bad. It could be worse, but still, this is most likely quite bad." PS. The author has trouble sleeping http://envy.nu/anykey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GoofProg    127
Isn''t the word daemon mean a independent process in a *NIX platform? Please correct me if I am wrong.

BTW that is a good opening. Keep it ROCKIN''

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jonathon    122
Gruesome! What a way to begin. I like it.

I assume that you are seeking feedback. There are a few items I should point out.
I may seem picky in the process. But I am assuming that you would rather have them
pointed out.

quote:
Original post by allgoodnames
Although not remembering neither name nor anything....



The double negative is incorrect. Better would be "Although remembering neither name
nor anything...." or "Although not remembering name or anything...."

quote:

Beneath the chin of one of them lies a combat shotgun, one of those nifty little things with a null-space-storage clip, and this seems to explain both their present condition, as well as the bloodstains in the ceiling.



Unless it is speaking, the combat shotgun will not explain anything to anyone. However,
its presence may be evidence of what has happened.

quote:

As far as clothing goes, the corpses seem to follow the fashion you already have established,....



The corpses cannot follow anything, especially fashion trends! They don''t read Vogue.
You might try something like "The corpses are adorned in a similar fashion..." or something
similar.

Please don''t think I''m trying to be rude. I like your writing, and hope that you will be able
to find these suggestions valuable. Good luck!




Jonathon
quote:
"Mathematics are one of the fundamentaries of educationalizing our youths." -George W. Bush

"When a nation is filled with strife, then do patriots flourish." - Lao Tzu


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crydee    122
If this is the opening sequence of a game are you going to try to simulate the awakening state - blurred screen etc... - or does everything come into focus as soon as the character starts in this room?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Symphonic    313
Write it in first person.

I was thrown when you started saying "...you find yourself..."

It''s much more commanding to act like these are the player''s thoughts than to tell the player that (s)he should be thinking these thoughts.

Also, go through the grammar with a fine comb, Jonathon seems a likely candidate to help you with it.

Try to re-write it so that it is a dictation of introductory thoughts. You should test this first, but also try writing it in past tense, it forms more of a foundation that way:
It was bad

It''s not like there was some obvious characteristic of that morning which implied to me that it might be worse than any other. Yet, a feeling deeper than the bones locked in my shell of putrid flesh rose to tell me that this particular morning was very bad indeed. Consciousness washed over me, like swimming in razors, having my body respond in a manner not unlike mutiny. A splitting headache and that aweful hangover feeling of not knowing what it was that happened yesterday that led to me being here today. This sort of thing happens all the time. After a while, not knowing what happened yesterday is as good as knowing.

I would have liked to remember my name though, that was the real irritation.

The air, cold as the heart of a daemon, smelling of dried blood, none of this was new. I just couldn''t remember the old. Eventually my eyes let me have my way. Opening to a beige ceiling stained with nicotine, moisture, and mould. The kind of mould that shows up in a two week old puddle of milk. The kind of mould you need industrial strength solvent to get rid of. Around the edges of the ceiling, near the walls, blood. So much it pains me to recall, sprayed in no organized fashion, with darker spots where little bits of... oh god. A small room, neglected, unfurnished, probably located in some condemned building in the outskirts of a backwater trash-town with thugs for citizens and murderers for high order.


This sort of style gives the implication of a big story to come, and it lets the player know where (s)he is, and gives the character a defined persona. Which is important if you''re not going to let the player decide what sort of character (s)he gets to play.


George D. Filiotis
Are you in support of the ban of Dihydrogen Monoxide? You should be!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MSW    151
I don''t even pretend to be a writer. But I thought I would challange myself to do a more gut level panic revision. It''s a bit heavy handed, I think. But I was trying to get across that the characters real problems might be more in his/her head then the situation in the hotel room.

Sorry about spelling and gramical errors...

It''s bad.

No one wants a vibe like this, least of all me. But there I was, comfortably journying from slumber to counsiousness, when this bad vibe tackles me. It torments me, mocks me, jeers me. Worse it isn''t alone, it has brought guilt and paranoia with it. This is a bad scene, one that happens all to often. There is no escape, one either dwells in it or just deals...

Let there be light.

My eyes snap awake, slowly focusing on the blurry vision before me. My ears respond quicker and tell me I''m lying horizontal. My skin says we''re on somthing soft, comfortable and warm. My nose says "Film at 11:00!"

That bad vibe tackles me again and my eyes do a rack focus. I''m being watched.

I''m alart now. Lying on a bed inside a shoddy third world hotel room. Dawn is comeing in through the window, illuminating the ceiling of this rat nest room. Someone is watching me. This is of my own doing.

Atop all the layers of pealing plaster, water stains, and cigarette smoke are a multitude of dark dry spots. My eyes trace thier complex patterns along the ceiling and down the walls to several large messy piles of clothing. I''m definetly being watched, because of something I did.

"Film at 11:00!"

My nose tells me of rot and decay. I jolt up in the bed, all senses in tune. I sense the presence of others in this third world hotel room. The messy piles of clothing take a human form as the dawn light strikes them and reflects off the firearms proped under thier missing chins. What was once human faces, are now a mass of gooey globs of cookie doe, flash burned by gunpowder. I''m definetly being watched, because of something I did.

This is a bad scene, one that happens all to often. There is no escape, one either dwells in it or deals with it...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
allgoodnames    122
Thanx for all the input. We appreciate it.

GoofProg: I have no idea whatsoever.

Crydee: Its a textgame..

And to everyone else, thank you once more. I''ll pass your comments to the author.


http://envy.nu/anykey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites