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Little Dialogue

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This is a small snippet of dialogue from a game I plotted out and wrote a little book. "No, don''t go *name* you know that facing him will only bring you shame. Why go to jail for something as trivial as this?" "*girls name* you just don''t undersand it, when he disgraced my father like that something happened that I have never felt before. It''s almost like all the *name of magic* inside me was focusing on creating something so powerfull it would make him suffer for all eternity." "I know, I understand exactly what happened to you and to your family. Scars from his actions will be displayed through-out your family name for many decades. Still, this is not the time to get revenge. Please *guys name* I do not want death, not today, not to the people whom I love and know so well." Ahhh thats all I am going to show lol

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Well, the scene lacks context, so I can''t really comment on the cheeze factor of it. However, I can recommend expanding your vocabulary a bit. Perhaps investing in one of those kits that contains a couple of cassette tapes that you can listen to while you drive to work everyday would help. The reason for an expanding your vocabulary is to articulate your ideas a bit. Granted that the audience might not use the same words, but knowing a wide range of alternative words can help prevent the dialouge cheezing out after a couple of pages of text.

Plus, the extra words help convince the publisher that you''re worth the risk, so its an added bonus.

-> Will Bubel
-> Machine wash cold, tumble dry.

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