quote:Original post by Zido
It ends there because I have to think up what happens next. Now I`ll like y`all to try to criticize this.

Well... Ok....

I''m reminded of something my english teacher once said, "Show me, don''t tell me." It''s not that your story is bad, just that it feels like a bullet list of events.

1. Weird stormy night.
2. Scientists investigate.
3. Lightning produces Evil Knight.
4. Knight causes evil monsters to fall from the moon to the earth.
5. Monsters group and meet their leader.

If what you''re going for is a rough outline of the story, then it''s fine. But if what you''re going for is supposed to captivate the reader and show off the atmosphere, then you need to step into a viewpoint, and describe it a little more slowly.

Keep writing though, and don''t let any of us get you down.

Someone plz answer this...If I posted a story like this could someone just steal it? Or do most ppl not give a crap about somebody else''s story?

Is there any money in simply writing a complete RPG? Y''now, like making all the quests, the story, writeups on all the characters, drawing the maps of all the lands, writing all the spells and abilities of the character classes? I mean, could you just ship all that stuff (on paper) to some company and you get paid for it?

"I mean, could you just ship all that stuff (on paper) to some company and you get paid for it?"

Of course! Squaresoft has a great submission policy. That''s
how all the Final Fantasy''s are made. Some random person sends
them a whole story, game rules, abilities, characters, and
concept sheets and they make a game out of it. I''m surprised
you didn''t hear about it.

~,^

-Hyatus
"da da da"

One of my problems with this (aside from the grammar, and sentence structure): What''s the sense of scale?

The N appears on the moon, then shoots these spikes to the Earth? Unless you''re having these things go at light speed, it will take a while to reach the Earth. And, if they were big enough to be seen prior to their arrival on Earth, well, they''d be big enough to do some serious damage just by entering the atmosphere. Is the hero just standing there, seething at the ''N'' on the moon for hours, waiting for these spikes to happen?

(Perhaps it would make more sense for the N to appear prior to the electrical storm. The storm is caused, somehow, by the interaction of the spikes and the atmosphere; that''s lame, I admit, but if you put the end first, there''s a slight element of mystery before things get completely hectic)

Also, you have this orb appear from the moon -- again, what''s the sense of time here? -- and it comes to a rest in the middle of the grouping of shadowy monsters. The main bad guy appears from that orb, then moves to the monsters? Your description puts the villain within the cluster of monsters from the moment he appears. Why would he need to walk over to them if he''s already there?

That''s fairly technical, I know, but I''m like that.

I realize that what you''re posting isn''t supposed to be the specific telling of the story, just the idea of it. So I won''t criticize the etc/anyway language quirks. I get you''re outlining. What would make me care (or decide whether I think it has promise or not) is why these events are happening. Do you know? I would assume that you yourself don''t know what you''re writing. You should. You mention this war, but why are they attacking Earth? I read the story concept, but it''s unclear.

Also, a planet that was destroyed 100 years ago seems odd. Planets have lives in the order of billions of years. Why trim it down to 100? I should also point out that this sounds like the twist in Final Fantasy: The Spirits within. Remarkably so, in fact. Those of you who haven''t seen that, ignore the next paragraph.

In The Spirits within, there was a war that destroyed an entire planet. The planet was demolished, reduced to a field of asteroids in a powerful explosion. One of the asteroids crashed onto Earth, thousands of years later. On the asteroid were the ghosts of thousands of soldiers (not to mention a litany of animals), which humanity fought for years, never understanding the true nature of their opponents.

This sounds, you might notice, a lot like the end of Zido''s description. Whether that was intentional or not, I don''t know.

Aside from the telling of the story, you should probably concern yourself with finding a decent story (unless, as someone mentioned, you''re making an FPS, in which case people expect the stories to matter little).