So i am pretty good at writing, i work for a company in idaho where i write side quests and design locations for an MMO.
However, i just began writing on my own project; Interitum and i find my pacing is a little off.... and that its just not as good as the work i do for the company.
Maybe its because i don't have an established universe to work with??
Anyway, here is a snippet for evalution so you guys can help. I KNOW its messy
The game begins with the demon lord deus on his throne, sipping from a glass of wine.
A demon comes into view, and speaks to deus.
Demon: M'lord; the ortus comes a billion stars burn out with his approach, a sign of the coming fire he will rain upon your eniemes.
Deus: Excellent, i feel his power its.... undescribeable ... we must find him.
Demon: I have found him Deus, i will prepare the portal right away.
(deus stands up)
Deus: NO! He is mine to bring into this world, i must get to him first!
Demon: Yes, i will attend to the lower ranks while you are away.
Deus: Yes, do that for me.
Deus gets out of his throne, and opens a portal.
Demon: My lord, be carefull the witch rides tonight.
Deus: She will not stop me, the ortus remebers me and our agreement well i made sure of that.
The demon walks out, and Deus opens up a portal and he and 2 guards enter.They come unto a black room, with the young man aarkand on the floor.
Deus: You two, help him up.
the 2 demons hold up aarkand, he is very groggy and is on his knees.
Deus: Hello aarkand, welecome to interitum, land of eternal life.
Aarkand: Who are you?
Deus: What do you mean who am i??
Aarkand: I don't know you, where the hell am I??
Deus: How could it be......
Demon guard: could he be the wrong one my lord?
Deus: yes... i have no use for this one. He remebers nothing, leaving him vunreble and extra baggae for me.
Demon guard: What shall we do with him?
Deus: Kill him, do whatever... i don't care just be back within the hour i need you in my presence.
Aarkand: Hey i'm right here!
Demon guard 2: Buwahaha thanks m'lord, this is gonna be fun!
deus begins walking towards the portal, aarkand calls out for him.
Aarkand: Wait! Whatever it is you want, im sure i can help.
Deus: Help? You can't help anyone, not even yourself as you are about to find out.
he then exits through the portal
Demon guard: Oh boy, what to do with a young,tender man like this?
Demon guard 2: Bah, set him down and lemme split him. We need to get back soon.
Demon Guard: And i wanted another human slave... alright you do it though.
the two put aarkand on the ground and raise a sword over his head, he is on his hands and knees
Demon guard: a shame to see him go, i'd hate to run into him if he turned into a spirit or a bone walker.
Demon guard 2: This one is far to weak for his body or mind to maifest into a demon after we kill him, so we can make it as slow and painfull as we like.
Aarkand: do what you want, i am sure two pigs can't match what i've endured.
*note the demons have a piglike appearance*
Demon guard: Ha your right! Slow and painfull it is!