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About Aarkand

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  1. Thanks, its in despreate need of a rewrite i will work it from the ground up. I also noticed that i revealed too much about the bad guy, Deus he should be kept under wraps until late in the story. It also got heavy handed, something i do not want. I excell at causal conversations, i think i just need to be eased into the epic part of it.
  2. It just feels so wrong, so rushed. Help please.
  3. So i am pretty good at writing, i work for a company in idaho where i write side quests and design locations for an MMO. However, i just began writing on my own project; Interitum and i find my pacing is a little off.... and that its just not as good as the work i do for the company. Maybe its because i don't have an established universe to work with?? Anyway, here is a snippet for evalution so you guys can help. I KNOW its messy The game begins with the demon lord deus on his throne, sipping from a glass of wine. A demon comes into view, and speaks to deus. Demon: M'lord; the ortus comes a billion stars burn out with his approach, a sign of the coming fire he will rain upon your eniemes. Deus: Excellent, i feel his power its.... undescribeable ... we must find him. Demon: I have found him Deus, i will prepare the portal right away. (deus stands up) Deus: NO! He is mine to bring into this world, i must get to him first! Demon: Yes, i will attend to the lower ranks while you are away. Deus: Yes, do that for me. Deus gets out of his throne, and opens a portal. Demon: My lord, be carefull the witch rides tonight. Deus: She will not stop me, the ortus remebers me and our agreement well i made sure of that. The demon walks out, and Deus opens up a portal and he and 2 guards enter.They come unto a black room, with the young man aarkand on the floor. Deus: You two, help him up. the 2 demons hold up aarkand, he is very groggy and is on his knees. Deus: Hello aarkand, welecome to interitum, land of eternal life. Aarkand: Who are you? Deus: What do you mean who am i?? Aarkand: I don't know you, where the hell am I?? Deus: How could it be...... Demon guard: could he be the wrong one my lord? Deus: yes... i have no use for this one. He remebers nothing, leaving him vunreble and extra baggae for me. Demon guard: What shall we do with him? Deus: Kill him, do whatever... i don't care just be back within the hour i need you in my presence. Aarkand: Hey i'm right here! Demon guard 2: Buwahaha thanks m'lord, this is gonna be fun! deus begins walking towards the portal, aarkand calls out for him. Aarkand: Wait! Whatever it is you want, im sure i can help. Deus turns Deus: Help? You can't help anyone, not even yourself as you are about to find out. he then exits through the portal Demon guard: Oh boy, what to do with a young,tender man like this? Demon guard 2: Bah, set him down and lemme split him. We need to get back soon. Demon Guard: And i wanted another human slave... alright you do it though. the two put aarkand on the ground and raise a sword over his head, he is on his hands and knees Demon guard: a shame to see him go, i'd hate to run into him if he turned into a spirit or a bone walker. Demon guard 2: This one is far to weak for his body or mind to maifest into a demon after we kill him, so we can make it as slow and painfull as we like. Aarkand: do what you want, i am sure two pigs can't match what i've endured. *note the demons have a piglike appearance* Demon guard: Ha your right! Slow and painfull it is!