Original post by ahw
nicba : if i can criticize a bit, I would say that the story for the elf lacked a bit more dramatisation. What I mean is that since it''s supposed to be only a flavor text, as opposed to the beginning of a long saga, it would be better to concentrate more emotions into the short length of the text, in order to create something ... more ... I dunno what
Basically, there is nothing wrong with the style in itself, it''s just it doesn''t seem, mmm, I think there is not enough rythm. For instance, the last two paragraphs are very nice, the calm after the storm, and the cold anger of the elf. But I think maybe the melee scene could be more dramatic, don''t make it two skeletons, make it ten of them coming at him, make him surrounded and almost beaten, when suddenly the rays of the sun pour on the skeletons and they fall on the ground ... or something similar.
Actually, the beginning is very nice as well, the fog, and the night, the clearing filled with the soudn of flying arrows.
I guess all I am talking about is something more climatic, a crescendo sort of thing, and the aftermath.
Anyway, I hope I am being constructive enough
Thank you very much! It was just that kind of comments I was hoping for. I re-read the story again and I think I see what you''re getting at. I was about to build something up with him running out of arrows and such, but then I just ended the whole battle in a couple of lines. It surely did break the rythm.
As I explained in my original post the story is pretty much abandoned and will not be used for anything. But I think I will try to follow your advice anyway and rewrite the melee to include some more drama and a climatic end. Just as an exercise.