Jump to content
Posted 10 December 2013 - 11:00 PM
Posted 11 December 2013 - 01:40 AM
Certainly a lot more refined than the previous version -- it seems a lot more stylistically consistent now, with a solid theme and setting, and a good motivation for all of the characters.
Did you have any ideas for a setting/story appropriate replacement for the vacuum from the original story? Perhaps Goobert could manually stuff them into a jar or flask, or maybe given his character make use of some voodoo. Obviously you'll still need something very similar for your proposed game-mechanics to work, unless the story is more important to you and you're willing to change the game mechanic instead.
- Jason Astle-Adams
Posted 11 December 2013 - 06:23 AM
Posted 11 December 2013 - 06:51 AM
Coming from a first read, while at first it was a bit shaky it's a thoroughly enjoyable story you've made. I quite like the way you're portraying the characters, I'd suggest you stick to that same format and have Stella constantly seeking to avoid Goobert, it'll allow multiple scenarios where he saves her but she runs away and gets in trouble again (which can be nice to seamlessly change level environments and areas).
There's no need to get complicated in explaining the vacuum, simply relate to it and explain that it manifested when he landed in the pot, being made up of voodoo magic it can consume voodoo magic and use it in various ways. Something like that, simple yet reasonable.
Anyways, keep it up! I'd like to see more updates from you.
If, at any point, what I post is hard to understand, tell me. I am bad at projecting my thoughts into real words, so I appreciate the knowledge that I need to edit my post.
I am not a professional writer, nor a professional game designer. Please, understand that everything you read is simply an opinion of mind and should not, at any point in time, be taken as a credible answer unless validated by others.
Posted 11 December 2013 - 10:10 AM
Definitely a better fleshed out setup and premise. I really like that you've gone ahead with the voodoo theme rather than trying to fit a generic "aliens conquering the universe" bit into the game. I have a couple thoughts on it. Any of my ideas are free to use or disregard at your behest.
First, in the initial story setup, you mention the witch doctor's past lover that she's trying to bring back. As an idea for her motivation, it's fine. Though if that bit of back story doesn't fit at all into the story you're telling with Goobert, you may just want to leave it out. Say that the witch doctor is experimenting with creating life because, yo, that's what witch doctor's do! Alternatively, the zombified corpse of her former lover (dressed up as a groom?) might make for an excellent callback as a final boss. Again, it's all in how you tell the story and set things up.
As for the vacuum, including it with your current setup is.....rather anachronistic. If we're talking 18th century, how does anyone know how to build a mechanical vacuum? If you're tied to the time period, you might instead make it some sort of voodoo charm with a tube-like shape (maybe made from a snake's skin?). Goobert learns that if he attaches it to a glass jar, it can suck up and blow out things.
Alternatively, if you're move in love with vacuums than you are the time period, here's a twist on the idea. It's modern day. The witch doctor has been alive (through voodoo magic of course) for the past 300+ years but continues to live as if she was still in that time period, hidden away in her swampy shack, playing with creating life. One day, an unfortunate visitor happens upon her home, a man selling door to door cleaning services with his high powered backpack vacuum. The witch doctor takes a liking to the funny little man, shrinks him down into a doll and puts him on a shelf. Goobert discovers him, along with his now tiny vacuum and.... you get the rest.
Lastly, I like the artwork. It has a cool distinct style to it. Look forward to hearing/seeing more.
Posted 12 December 2013 - 08:36 AM
Posted 13 December 2013 - 02:20 PM