Hello, i've been working on a platformer game (Jump and shoot genre) with ninjas..But when i've passed to the story, i've found a problem..That i didn't write stories..So, i would like to take your feedback and suggestions on my little story..(Including: Intro, Dialogues and Ending)..Also, i've got a problem, I suck in naming any characters/clans with japanese names..So, would you help me?

Intro:

[spoiler]

It starts in an unknown time..In a ninja clan called (I would need help in naming this)..Ryu, also known as NinjaCube is going to marry Hatsune.

But, at the marriage day..Hatsune is missing! They found a piece of paper in her house..It was wrote: "Hatsune is mine, Now she is kidnapped by me..The master of (An evil clan which i like to have help from you)"...Now, the ninjas from this clan are spreading chaos! Ryu must stop them all!

[/spoiler]

Dialogues:

(I would like to have your suggestions on names for the enemy ninjas..Note: Big text wall)

[spoiler]

Vs WoodNinja:

WoodNinja: Well well well..You did come!

NinjaCube: (WoodNinja), Why did you do this?!

WoodNinja: Kidnapping Hatsune? She is for our master..And, we could gain more power!

NinjaCube: But..We, we were friends!

WoodNinja: This is from the past..Now, get ready!

NinjaCube: Hmph, I will show you!

Vs LavaNinja:

LavaNinja: You were able to pass over my volcano?!

NinjaCube: Yes, now..You have to tell me about one thing..Where is your master?

LavaNinja: I will never tell anyone about my master or my mission!

NinjaCube: Okay..Then, get ready!

Vs AquaNinja:

AquaNinja: Hehehe..You came!

NinjaCube: All of you say these words..Enough!

AquaNinja: It seems that you don't wanna know about your lovely Hatsune..Hehehehe!

NinjaCube: Rrrr..How, how dare you?!

AquaNinja: You hate that people talk about Hatsune? Don't worry, she is for our master now!

NinjaCube: Rrrrr..Just, stop, this!

Vs ThunderNinja:

ThunderNinja: You will be unable to pass me.

NinjaCube: You? I will beat you.

ThunderNinja: Then, enough talk! Be prepared!

NinjaCube: Okay!

Vs CopyNinja(aka. master of that evil clan):

CopyNinja: Finally, the one who dares to fight me did really come!

NinjaCube: Where is Hatsune? What did you do to her?!

CopyNinja: Hatsune? She is the that container..She is almostly gone..Hehehehe!

NinjaCube: You..

CopyNinja: Oh, She didn't tell you? I was going to marry her..But you've appeared! Because of you..We've broke up!

NinjaCube: So, you kill her?!

CopyNinja: Heh, smart one..But, you aren't powerful..Now, be prepared!

Vs Final CopyNinja(aka. ultimate form):

CopyNinja: Heh..You are powerful..But, you didn't see anything of Hatsune's power merged with mine!

NinjaCube: What?! You are going to kill her!

CopyNinja: Beware..My final form!

After Defeating Final CopyNinja:

CopyNinja: No..This can't be happening! I'm unable to die! NOOOOOO!

[/spoiler]

Ending:

[spoiler]

After defeating CopyNinja..Hatsune falls from the container..NinjaCube catches her..A little dialogue starts:

NinjaCube: Hatsune..Are you alive?

Hatsune: Is..Is that..You..Ryu?

I'd say it's a bit difficult to give specific feedback, but I'll tap down some thoughts of mine for you. Forgive me if my notes seem a bit jumbled.

What mood are you going for with the game? Amusing, serious, etc?

I ask that as I think the dialogue should reflect the style of the game. At one point, it seems you maybe going for some humour, but you don't commit to that idea. The point I mean is when the enemies say the same dialogue and the hero retorts about the same dialogue. But it isn't consistent and it doesn't progress.

Anyway, you seem to at its core have a story in place. A story should start with a starting state (the hero has lost Hatsune) and an ending state (the hero gets Hatsune back). Happy days!

But ---

Why does she die?

What is a power soul and what is the purpose of it?

And the epilogue (suicide, or not) -- what's the point?

Another point on dialogue: use contractions as it allows for smoother reading and reflects better for speech.

As for names, why does the hero have two names? Especially if the game is called NinjaCube... But, if you do want more traditional Japanese names, why not google for historical figures?

I hope this has been of some help!

Thanks for helping.

Well, here are my answers to your questions.

1. The mood is serious, as NinjaCube is angry.
2. When the hero talks about their repeat..Wasn't really thinked about humor in that part
3. Well, Hatsune is dead because CopyNinja has almost took her powers/soul to empower himself
4. I've been thinking about replacing the power soul by a shuriken..Like, just a final gift
5. The epilogue depends..The suicide is done because he is so sad and mad and gave up on life..Don't suicide is just like a place for a thing like a "to-be continued" ending
6. Well, what are contractions? As i dunno about it..
7. Names..I was just planning to give Ryu a nickname (which is NinjaCube)..But, i guess that i will scrap it
8. Thanks again.

I'm only happy to help. As is common, helping others can help ourselves see our own work in a different light. So all good! *grins*

Okay then, a number system it is.

1. I see! Then perhaps comical dialogue isn't what you want! Hah. Although angry can be comical, too;

2. Erm, yup, I guess I covered that very simply above;

3. Okay, this one will be a bit of a waffle. Two points I wish to make here:

• One should write stories for the strongest drama and conflict. Saying anything as 'almost' isn't very engaging or interesting. Imagine you hear about a friend that almost got hit by a car crossing the road. How'd you react?! Compared to hearing that your friend got hit my a car and is dead! See?
• The power/soul of empowerment, to have any value or importance to the player, must be introduced to the story from the start. Otherwise it'll have little meaning. Like I said, it doesn't make any sense -- yet.

4. Oh... Well, it's your game. When I first read that she would die, that was quite dramatic and unexpected. But writing matching story logic to appease the player is another thing. And really, just a gift and then croaks it?!...

5. One could understand the suicide. Back to thematics, to a degree, where love conquers all, even in death, as an example. But, to give it as a choice? It perhaps could be pulled off, if story choices where a mechanic that followed through the game. But, if there is to be a follow up game, how would it start if potentially half the player-base committed suicide? *grins*

6. Contractions: to make smaller, or in prose, to run two words together by omitting letters. Example: it is, becomes it's. And most people speak in contractions. Test it out yourself!

7. Names are names. You can always replace them any time!

8. My pleasure!