sunandshadow and ahw: Thank you for the comments. I agree with both of you that there should be some more descriptions. I''ll try to add it in later. And by the way, what does LMAO mean?!?

About the story of Axel Waterside: That was a really good story! The intro was setting a very good mood. I could picture the Druid and the boy very easily in my imagination.

The only suggestions I can think of is trying to take a look at the way you refer to the magician. First you call him a druid and then later you suddenly begins calling him a magician. That was a little confusing because it happened before you had explained that a druid was a magican studying the Life element. Also I find it a little strange that the magician goes into such great detail in telling about his mother and father to a boy he just met.

But nevertheless I find it a great story. The way you explain the nature of the world and the magic is really good. It would really add to a game having such a story in the Manual (or the readme file) instead of just a long and boring technical description of the GUI.

Regards

nicba

quote:Original post by ahw
LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off, very funny if you prefer. I could picture the story as a comic strip quite easily

Oh, in that case: Thank you very much. Then I won''t have to zap you with my magical wand anaway

(which, by the way, would have been a great shame because then I would never now the further story of Alex and his druid master).

quote:
As for the fact Hornost talks about his father and mother to a unknown boy, it''s simply that the boy in question came here with the intention of becoming a pupil, and he must understand that what happened to Hornost, could very well happen now (Ael will probably not see his parents anymore, or not before a long time, and they could very well die while he is away, or stuff like that). Hornost is very open because this is a very important choice Axel has to do.

Yeah, I thought it was something along this lines. Maybe you could have the druid tell his motivations to Alex directly.

quote:
Now I am thinking about nice stories to describe the various "schools" of magic. And maybe I''ll do some illustrations, if my pencil gets jiggy enough

Oh yes, please write some more. I would love some more of the philosophical talk about the nature of magic.

Regards

nicba

quote:Original post by MadKeithV

If anyone''s interested, there''s a yet-unfinished manuscript up at my home-page.

It''s right here:
Hornless and Wingless.

Be warned, it''s a long read.

I''ll give it a try and comments as I go along.

But first a little comment on the layout. I think the ''paper'' you are using as a background is a little too dark. It would be easier to read the black text if it was just a ittle bit less dark. Also I think its a bit irritating to have it divided into parts like this. Why don''t you just have one large page? I would like to have a way of telling how long a story is before I start on it. But I guess that just individual taste.

Now to the story:

- Prologue

Very good. Very ''dark''. Sets the mood perfectly. The only thing I can complain about is the ''21 years later'' thing. It sort of breaks the rythm I feel. It''s not really part of the story, more like a change of scenery. I think it would have a better effect if you let it stand out from the rest of the text. For example by making it italic and maybe centering it. But then again it''s really a small thing and I''m just being pedantic .

- Part 1

Here you start of speaking of Keith in 3th person. But then half way down the page you suddenly begins using a first person perspective (''I looked around...''). Better keep to one perspective only.

Again a very good description of Keiths new home. You seem to have knack for describing this kind of urban enviroment.

- Part 2

...it just keeps getting better...

- Part 3

...Im really hooked on the story now. I think I will just stop this commenting and read it throught to the end.

- Part 6

Oh, and you can also do humour! Very funny conversation.

- Part 9

Ahh, that''s a shame. The revelation of Keiths true nature should have come as "something more". I had already guessed something along these lines but many expectations was being build up, especially by the use of his newfound powers. It seemed a little disapointing just to be given the answer and the history of his birth in an almost off-hand way in a couple of lines .

But then again it may be necersarry for continuing the story.

- Part 9

...ah, yes, maybe he''s more than that..I feel maybe a new mystery is building up?

- Part 12

"...Maybe she wasn’t gone completely.
Not as long as I still breathed."

Uhm, hate to destroy that lovely moment, but "As long as I still breathed" doesn''t make much sence since he''s already (kindof) dead too. Does he really still breath?

- Part 13

Good poem. But it feels a bit out of place. Disturbs the rythm of the story I think. I think it will perhaps be better to place it at the top of the next part. Perhaps in italic.

- Part 14

"But I am not angry. I am empty. You are not here, and I cannot leave."

You? Shouldn''t that be ''She is not here,...''?

- Part 15

Really good scene with Gabriel and the horns.

- Part 16

Very good ending. Closing the circle back to the Prologue. The only thing I might wish was a little more explanation. What has he become now? Is he a "normal" human now or still something more? What about Ana, is she also "just" a normal human now?


All in all I think this was really a very very great story. It was long but easily worth the time it took to read it. It really puts all the previos attempts in this thread to shame, I think (especially mine).

Have you written anything else? I would really like to read some more. Maybe you have a gallery in the Elfwood library? If not, I think you should go ahead and get one. Your story would do relly great amongst the masterpieces on that site.

Regards

nicba

Just to keep this thread alive in the hope to see more contributons, I''ll post another short story.

This one was in fact written to be a background story for one of the four characters in the Gauntlet Style Project. But as I had written it I suddenly remembered that the project leader had requested a story with some specific elements, especially a revenge motive as the character walks into his village and sees everyone slaughted. Well, I then wrote a new story containing that element and put aside this one.

I have still not submitted either of the stories to the project leader and I don''t know if he will find it worthy of acceptance (or if the project is going to get as far as to ever requiring the background stories put in). But they where kind of fun writing so I don''t really mind.

On to the story:

-----

''The Elf'' Character

He readied an arrow on the bow.

Kneeling on the ground with the bow held in a firm grasp in front of him he scouted into the forest with sharp elvern eyes. Patiently the elf waited for his opponents to clear the cover of the trees an step out in the clearing surrounding the small village.

Night had come an hour ago and darkness covered the forest. But from amongst the trees an unnatural white light shone. Like a chilling mist the light crept towards the village and the waiting warrior. And with the light came a smell of dead. The elf closed his eyes briefly and whispered a silent prayer. When he opened his eyes again a skeleton was slowly coming towards him. He let go of his arrow and the skeleton stopped and fell to pieces as the arrow shattered the skull.

Around him other elvern warriors where following his example and soon the clearing was filled with the sound of flying arrows. The skeletons kept coming, staggering through piles of bones left from the ones before them. Fighting back a paralysing wave of fear and helplessness the elf continued to fire his arrows at the oncoming horde until his supply was nearly depleted.

Out of the corner of his eyes he suddenly saw the white mist of the skeletons being replaced by a sickening green glow. A ghost appeared between the trees, its blurred shape cutting through bushes and low branches as if they where only illusions. The elvern readied another arrow and aimed it at the ghost. The aim was precise and the arrow flew through the air and hit the ghost in what was once the heart. But instead of killing it the arrow merely continued through the ghost and harmlessly hit a tree behind it. Quickly the warrior drew another arrow from his now desperately small supply. Before he let go of the second arrow he chanted some words in a almost forgotten language and the arrowhead started to glow with its own yellow flame. The bright flame of the now magical arrow hit the ghost and the ghost screamed in pain and disappeared. Without pausing the elvern warrior once again took the task of shooting arrows at the skeletons.

The defenders soon ran out of arrows and engaged the skeletons with their swords. The elvern warrior approached two skeletons marching side by side and leaped for the one to the right. With a quick slash he cut it down and in one fluent motion he spun about and severed the skull of the second skeleton from its body. He fought with the might of a demi-good and the rage of a daemon until his arms became heavy as stone and his legs was about to collapse. But then dawn came and painted the sky in yellow and purple colours. Rays of morning light descended through the treetops and created a beautiful patchwork of light and darkness on the forest floor. The army of skeletons retreated.

Tired to the bones the elf rested his body against a large tree. Many of his elvern kinsmen lay dead or wounded on the ground around him. They have paid a terrible price but they have won. For now they have defeated the skeletons. But the elvern knew that they would be returning. Just as they have done last night and the night before. Just as they have done every night for the past two weeks. He sighted deeply.

Even though the body of the elvern warrior was still strong his eyes contained the wisdom of a life far longer than any human could ever hope to experience. And now those deep intelligent eyes turned stern with determination. He knew that the attacks would not stop before the root of evil was destroyed. Silently the elf sheathed his sword and started to walk away from the village, towards the point from which the skeleton had come...

----

Regards

nicba