My darling Troy, whom at time of writing is still in my occasionaly used signature image, died surrounded by his family on Friday October 28th 2005 at approximately 12:30PM.

The loss has devestated me like nothing else I've ever experienced before. Perhaps people whom never had pets or dogs especially might not understand... but this amazing animal was with me since I was 11... saw me through my teens... knew all my secrets and was always there for me. My sisters always had each other, Troy was like a little brother to me... granted a very obidient one - with a love for me that never really expected much in return. His impact on my life cannot be underestimated, he really was one of a kind.

I've written alot about it... but nothing I've posted yet. I wrote as he was dieing... and stopped many times to be with him some more. In anycase I've not been around here. I've not really be around at all. It all seems so unreal... watching someone so close to you die... in so much distress that lethal injection was actually kind. To see the life leave his eyes... to spend over 4 hours straight with less then 10 minutes worth of break digging a hole, and be so caught up in doing this last thing for him that the pain and aggrevation of my whiplash injury only realised in the following days.

He meant so much to so many people, and even in death his parting gifts were bringing me and my sister Claudia back together... united in grief... and helped me see a side in my step father I had never seen before.

So please friends in gamedev.net, do not take it personal if I'm not really reading or keeping up with your journals. If you've written anything addressed to me since Thursday night I will have unlikely read it.

I am trying to keep myself involved though, this whole podcast thing that something might come out of for instance.

I'm a bit caught up in the grief and loss, now and again gloriously distracted but then I remember what I saw.... what I've lost. To see my childhood companion draw his last breath, his chest no longer rising... and adventually his body going stiff, lifeless and cold. A friend that was always there for me, and now I only have the memories from years ago when I lived with my mum... and the few times I visited there after.

I'm collecting together pictures, and will be scanning them in. There are two in particular I plan to post, one I may make as my avatar instead of the current one. I plan on collecting everything I can... sharing copies of what I have with my family back in Worthing, and copying their stuff with my laptop and scanner.

Danni has been so good to me... she met him and was touched by him but has been my strength throughout this.

I left work on Friday, called in and said I wouldn't be in. I think I'm just going to say I was sick - I don't know how sympathtic that new director guy might be. I was sick anyway, I would have been no good to anyone. And it wasn't any fun... you know... driving to Worthing at 6:30AM... waiting until the vet would come out at around midday... then spending the rest of the afternoon digging his grave then burying him.

Some people just don't get it though. May be those whom might read this whom don't might after this. Never write 15.5 years off as "just a dog", he was so much more. For instance... despite his strokes disabling one side and the rear of him... he held his bladder for approximately 17 hours. That's how house trained he was, how much pride he had... he didn't want to be a bad dog. I wish I could have made him understand that... you know just this once it would have been okay. That we wouldn't be mad. This is the dog that could only bend one side, but still was happy to see me, bending best he could to lick me and greet me. Heck he even warmly greeted the vets, whom would pump his body full of stuff to put him to rest. He was so brave, so loyal... so inreplacable.