My favorite joke

o_O

Why doesn''t Mexico have an olympic team?


Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.


My joke > your joke.

Little Billy woke up early Christmas morning. He was so excited! He scampered downstairs in his pajamas, and ran to the tree. Presents! One after one he checked -- some for his sister Sally, some for his brother Danny, some for Mom and Dad -- but none for him! He looked and looked, and then remembered the stockings. So he ran over to the chimney. His family''s socks were all stuffed with presents, but his was totally empty! Billy was sure there was a great surprise for him, since he''d been so good this year, so he ran back upstairs to his parents'' room.

"Mommy! Daddy! Santa came, Santa came! And he left presents for Sally and presents for Danny and presents for you but I can''t find any for me!"

Little Billy''s mother replied, "Oh, honey, you know you have cancer."

I like pie.

These are the worst jokes in history. It''s almost like anti-humour; sombre remarks you might make to someone who lost their whole family in a boating accident.

Chris Barry (crbarry at mts.net)
My Personal Programming Depot

How many lawyers does it take to unscrew a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ''The Lawyer'', and the party of the second part, also known as ''The Light Bulb'', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (''Receptacle''), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (''New Light Bulb''). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.

quote:

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Original post by 23yrold3yrold
you might make to someone who lost their whole family in a boating accident.

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How can you define comedy in any other way than walking up to someone who lost their family in a boating accident and saying "Oh, honey, you know you have cancer." That''s viable material.

quote:

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Original post by Beer Hunter
Q: How many lawyers does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: blah.. blah.. blah..

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From Slackware Linux

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.



Answer not a fool according to his *folly, lest thou also be like unto him. - The Bible, Proverbs 26:4 (KJV)
*folly = foolishness

InitGames Software


[edited by - liquidAir on August 30, 2003 1:50:30 AM]

[edited by - liquidAir on August 30, 2003 2:01:50 AM]

Why did the man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a fridge at him

Hee hee *snort*

Okay try this one

A sausage and an egg are frying in a pan.
The sausage rolls over and says
        "It''s a bit hot in here aint it?"
And the egg cries out
        "Oh my god! A talking sausage!" 

********

"It was this spirit of national efficiency in the Circumlocution Office that had gradually led to its having something to do with everything."

quote:

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Original post by liquidAir
Answer not a fool according to his *folly, lest thou also be like unto him. - The Bible, Proverbs 26:4 (KJV)
*folly = foolishness

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"Never argue with an idiot. They take you down to their level, and then beat you on experience." -Mark Twain

A man walked into a bar *ouch*


A man walked into a bar and his head was an orange and the barmaid asked why his head was an orange so the man explained how "i found a genie that granted me 3 wishes so for the first wish i wished for lots of money the second wish i wanted a big car and for the third wish i asked for my head to be an orange"


(have not told last one all that well but still surreal and funny

I never thought i should see a poem as lovely as a tree
That is until some b*stard chops it down

Child: Mommy, mommy, why do I keep going in circles?
Mom: Shut up, or I''ll nail down your other foot as well!

quote:

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Original post by Cestps
Child: Mommy, mommy, why do I keep going in circles?
Mom: Shut up, or I''ll nail down your other foot as well!

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It isn''t like that.
Here is the correct version:
Child: Mom, why is dad running in circles?
Mom: Shut up and get me more bullets.

Height Map Editor | Eternal Lands | Fast User Directory

One of my favorite jokes is "Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It''s rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!" Then came Pirates of the Caribbean, which is rated PG-13, completely ruining the joke.

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"At least I shall die as I have lived. Completely surrounded by morons." - 8-Bit Theatre

Why do ducks have flat feet?


To stamp out burning fires.







Why do elephants have flat feet?


To stamp out burning ducks.

An irishman walks past a bar.

I had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Little Johnny was in kindergarten. Now, he''d swear a lot, so when the teacher would ask kids to say a word beginning with a letter, she''d skip him, knowing he''d say something inappropriate. So, she asks Billy for A. Apple! She then goes to B, and asks Sally. Bottle! Moving on, eventually she goes to M, and asks Robin. Mom! Ok, so far so good. Finally, she goes to R. Hmm... She thinks, Johnny has had his hand up every time, and I can''t think of a bad word with R, so I''ll let him answer.

Johnny?

Big Fucking Rat!

why did the monkey fall out the tree?

because it was dead

why did the second monkey fall out the tree?

it thought it was a game

why did the third monkey fall out the tree?

it was stapled to the second monkey

why did the fourth monkey fall out the tree?

peer pressure

I never thought i should see a poem as lovely as a tree
That is until some b*stard chops it down

In that above joke, you can substitute Canadian for Irishman.

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel down the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Arrr, it be drivin'' me nuts."

I like pie.

I love these jokes. The theme here seems to be moronic jokes.
I like computer jokes. Some big jokes:
Microsoft
Macintosh


Scott Simontis
e-mail:ageofscott@comcast.net
AIM:ssimontis