Its much better this time around with from what I can tell are two slight things that you could change and add as well.
Sentence:
Then my father broke the spell, began to pull me away. Branches snapped and leaves flew everywhere. We turned to make haste, but the beast was sure of our company and was walking towards the trees we now sprinted through. A howl was let out and an arrow shot through the growth and struck the pine to my left. The beast was armed.
To This:
My father broke the spell by pulling me away to make haste away from the beast. Sprinting through the trees, branches snapped and leaves flew everywhere. For the beast was sure of our company walking towards the trees we sprinted through. A howl with a deep growl echoed through the forest mountain top. The howl made me want to look back. I tried to sense on how far we were running away from the beast. A low pitch whistle became louder and louder. It was nearly on top of us. My father heard the high pitch noise. Just as it got any closer, we broke the sprint to the left through some more dense trees. From the corner of my right eye I saw the arrow slam into the tree we made a left from.
And the last
My Question is.
Even if the boy wants to join the Majestie's Army. Does he not want to go back some time soon or at least a year later or two to find his father if he is still around. Hopefully the son has some skills. The question is kind of left in a odd balance. We know he wants to join the Army. All find and well, but not find his father?
Keep up the good work.
Chat with ya later.
I Ran
It's getting pretty good. I have a couple of suggestions.
Get rid of "they were thicker than my head". It is redundant and hurts the rhythm of the story.
This paragraph does not make sense for several reasons.
1. If your father is very small compared to the troll, how was he flung back by him.
2. Since you skipped describing the actual skirmish between the troll and his father, the reader gets the impression this happened instantly, but at the same time you say that it "took a lot" and that "my father had to catch his breath". Also you made no mention of what happened to the troll. I can't tell if he died, ran away or decided that killing is wrong.
3. You have a tendency to join descriptions together with a comma.
This should probably be changed to
My father knelt in front of me with his axe held low and a furious stare in his eyes.
Reread your story because I think you do that other places as well.
Change my home to our home. It will have a little more emotional impact.
You combined 2 sentences with a comma. Use a semicolon instead.
Not sure how your head makes noise. I know you are trying to say that your head was empty of thought, but the imagery in this case is awkward. Consider changing it.
Change which to who.
By describing the way they held their axe in similar ways, you almost tie the two together. Consider modifying one of them. Maybe get rid of the description of where his father's axe is. This is not important to the description. If you want to indicate that he has an axe, maybe say something like "My father knelt in front of me, his axe wet with blood,..." or "My father knelt in front of me, his axe wet with fresh use,..."
Quote:
The beast’s arms made my father’s seem like they belonged to a small child; they were thicker than my head.
Get rid of "they were thicker than my head". It is redundant and hurts the rhythm of the story.
Quote:
The next moment the beast was flung back through the doorway. My father knelt in front of me, his axe held low, a furious stare in his eyes. It had taken a lot to deny the beast it’s kill and my father had to catch his breath. Through the doorway, past the splintered wreckage of the door, I saw what had made the thunderous crash that woke me. More beasts, flooding through our village, my home.
This paragraph does not make sense for several reasons.
1. If your father is very small compared to the troll, how was he flung back by him.
2. Since you skipped describing the actual skirmish between the troll and his father, the reader gets the impression this happened instantly, but at the same time you say that it "took a lot" and that "my father had to catch his breath". Also you made no mention of what happened to the troll. I can't tell if he died, ran away or decided that killing is wrong.
3. You have a tendency to join descriptions together with a comma.
Quote:
My father knelt in front of me, his axe held low, a furious stare in his eyes
This should probably be changed to
My father knelt in front of me with his axe held low and a furious stare in his eyes.
Reread your story because I think you do that other places as well.
Quote:
The beast tore its way into my home and bore down on me with its axe held high.
Change my home to our home. It will have a little more emotional impact.
Quote:
The wind stopped blowing, there was no noise...
You combined 2 sentences with a comma. Use a semicolon instead.
Quote:
not even from my heart or my head and even the beast which was once so frantic was now still.
Not sure how your head makes noise. I know you are trying to say that your head was empty of thought, but the imagery in this case is awkward. Consider changing it.
Change which to who.
Quote:
he beast tore its way into my home and bore down on me with its axe held high.
My father knelt in front of me, his axe held low...
By describing the way they held their axe in similar ways, you almost tie the two together. Consider modifying one of them. Maybe get rid of the description of where his father's axe is. This is not important to the description. If you want to indicate that he has an axe, maybe say something like "My father knelt in front of me, his axe wet with blood,..." or "My father knelt in front of me, his axe wet with fresh use,..."
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