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KanonBaum

Relationships

31 posts in this topic

I like to think I'm a gentleman when it comes to relationships. I'm not perfect, hell I'm a man, but I respect the woman I'm in a relationship with at the time and don't do anything I would regret. Blah blah blah, I'm goodie two-shoes.

Anyways, my relationships go well but then end terribly. Literally. My last relationship, I just got an email saying "we don't need to be together. I don't know why just this feeling." and of course at the bottom "Oh, but I love you."

WTF.

Okay, so I switch to logic mode and just walk away from it. But two months later I still don't feel like I've gotten over it. Like I still care even if the women turned out to be a total "B" at the end of it. WHY? As of right now, I'm done with them for a while. I'm just sick of the same things.

Which leads to my question: How do I stop caring? Like my recent ex, I shouldn't give a damn what's going on in her life or whatever. I'm much better off. So much better off and I know it, but then I'll be drifting off in my head and the next thing you know, I'm thinking about it and trying to figure out what went wrong. Hell, maybe it's because I'm a programmer and debugging the human mind is impossible.

I'd just like to hear your opinion on the matter. Got any related stories?
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[quote name='KanonBaum' timestamp='1310871091' post='4836229']
I'd just like to hear your opinion on the matter.
[/quote]

It doesn't look like you were married or engaged to be married, so the commitment hadn't been so far along to be overly traumatic. From the two lines of text it looks like she still respects you as a person, just doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you.

Women can generally get over it because they talk about it with other women in their social network. They can get things figured out and move on with life.


Two months and still this much broken up over it is too long.

If you cannot resolve the issue by talking with your friends and family and co-workers, and you are now at the point where you are asking complete strangers online for guidance, that's a good sign you need professional help. Go pay a few visits to a psychologist.

If you're willing to accept advice from perfect strangers who have no professional background, consider instead getting advice from someone who actually does understand relationships and can help you with very personal help by talking with you for hours at a time. You'll probably end up need four or six sessions to work out what's going on in your head, but it will likely be better than anything we can answer here. A few visits, you'll understand yourself better, you'll probably understand why she reacted the way she did to you, and assuming you put your effort into resolving your issues you'll be healed enough emotionally to get back into life.
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Frob's reply is complete garbage. A psychologist would be a complete wast of money and 2 months is really not a long time to get over a break up. Look at things as they are. You were rejected and being rejected hurts far more than rejecting someone. Your ego was hurt and now you can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with you or something you did. This is completely normal and you will probably continue to feel this way for a few more months. While on the other hand she probably feels the same or maybe even better about herself.
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I used to feel the same as you. I find that as I become more experienced with relationships and more mature in general, this kind of thinking and feelings go away.

[quote name='KanonBaum' timestamp='1310871091' post='4836229']
I'm much better off. So much better off and I know it, but then I'll be drifting off in my head and the next thing you know, I'm thinking about it and trying to figure out what went wrong.
[/quote]

You are probably the worst person to figure out what you did wrong (if anything). Sometimes, especially so for those kind of things, one is just completely blind to what one is doing wrong. Keep in mind that it's quite possible that you didn't do anything wrong, sometimes relationships are just not meant to work because the other person is simply looking for something else. But given that you say this has been a recurring problem, there might very well be some things that you did (and always do) wrong.

You could ask a close friend that knows you well about what they think you might have done wrong. Even better if you can ask a female friend. You could also ask the next girl you are dating, once it's serious enough, what are the good things and the bad things about dating you.

Keep in mind also that you will get better and better at relationships as you get more experienced. However, I really think you shouldn't obsess about this issue. I certainly hope it isn't making you miserable thinking about your past girlfriend, and if it is I would second frob's idea of seeing a psychologist.
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I'd second the notion that you're the last person who can self-identify [i]why[/i] you have a problem and, following in that thought, it'd be pretty difficult for us to get a feel for it [i]through[/i] you simply because you might not know what to look for. Everything you observe will be viewed through the lens of your own ideals.

However I have noticed a pattern of guys who [i]self-identify as nice and respectful to women[/i] having a problem of painting themselves as pushovers and, at worst, desexualizing themselves.

Don't break that down into its parts. I didn't say "nice" or "respectful to women". Just that men [i]thinking of themselves[/i] in such terms first [i]tend to[/i] do X, which bores people. It usually ends the way you describe, if it starts at all. (Which it did, so you're not as bad as one [i]can[/i] be.)

The term "friend-zoned" is about this.

That said...

2 months seems perfectly normal to me. After I split with my last girlfriend, which was a kind of embarrassing ordeal actually, I was upset for a long long time, [i]even though[/i] I had another girlfriend almost immediately. It went away eventually as things got more serious and eventually one day, far longer than 2 months after, something reminded me of all that and I realized I hadn't thought about her since Eisenhower was president.

I would recommend, and this will seem silly and unserious, but just read all the basic dating advice articles on AskMen.com Player section (or wherever; it's all the same). It's [i]extremely[/i] basic, generic advice that's going to cover some basic pitfalls that are very, very easy to slip into. Basics are probably sufficient and possibly necessary [b]with the obvious caveat that I'm going on a fragment of a sentence you wrote.[/b] I've been in the same relationship for seven years and find it applicable in that context in spite of the "bang lots of girls!" sales pitch.

Good luck.
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Bah. I find it extremly egocentric and immature to break up by email, anyone is worth more than that.

I think this all comes down to experience. You'll meet more women and there's no reason to waste time on someone that obviously didn't care about you.
There's nothing wrong with you, you just have to build up your ego a little and go find someone more worthy of your attention. Wasting time on people who don't care about you is the very definition of waste.
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The best way to get over girls is the same way you get them. Even if its hard at times, you have to act the tough guy. Force yourself to accept your situation, perhaps think of the negative times. Whatever makes you feel 'mushy' or 'soft' is bad bad bad, stay away from it. Try to let yourself be ruled more by your rationality than your feelings. Its hard, but its the only way in my opinion. After awhile though this comes more and more naturally. But the sooner you do it, and the sooner you realize it the better. All in all, it comes down to acting like the stereotypical male, though you may not agree with this portrayal of the male gender role. Best of luck, hope you get over this soon, my best wishes ;)
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[quote name='JoeCooper' timestamp='1310898227' post='4836311']
It went away eventually as things got more serious and eventually one day, far longer than 2 months after, something reminded me of all that and I realized I hadn't thought about her since Eisenhower was president.
[/quote]

Yeah, that's a nice moment :D

In my experiance preceed by a period of only thinking about the lass in question once you realise you haven't been thinking about her for a while; it's like "hey, I haven't thougth about <insert name> today... oh sonofa..." :D
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Usually when somebody can't get over their ex it's because at their core they're dissatisfied with their life as a whole. They want to Spackle in the hole in their life with a relationship and their ex is usually the closest within emotional reach.

Try to branch out into more things and get out and meet more people. You're bound to find something more fulfilling than a broken relationship.
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[quote]
The way I see it the fact you are aware that you are drifting into the thoughts is a good step; at this point the trick (as I see it) is to learn to push the thoughts to one side and dump them. Over time this becomes easier.

And it goes without saying that you aren't the only one who reacts this way; I tend to spend 6 months to a year going over things in my head... heck, a year and a bit after my last breakup I sometimes still drift back into the thoughts (mostly when tired these days) but my reaction these days is to mentally slap myself and get on with things.

As for trying to figure it out; well it's doable but it takes time as you have to get past the inital emotional reaction and then back off and look at the facts, for myself this can take upwards of 6 months after the final break-up event in order to let my brain stabilise out again.

In the short term I've also found that taking an angry FU mindset helps kick lasses out of your brain ;)
[/quote]

Maybe I should have noted the relationship lasted over a year. So it wasn't 3 weeks or something.

But I never considered that I would never figure it out. That's a good point I'd never thought of. It is all in my perspective.

Haha, yeah I've been doing the "FU" thing lately. I still feel somewhat bad though because her family likes me a lot and they all still talk to me despite her actions. Perhaps I should push them away too? I mean they're a great bunch of people.

[quote]
From Frob:

It doesn't look like you were married or engaged to be married, so the commitment hadn't been so far along to be overly traumatic. From the two lines of text it looks like she still respects you as a person, just doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you.

...

If you cannot resolve the issue by talking with your friends and family and co-workers, and you are now at the point where you are asking complete strangers online for guidance, that's a good sign you need professional help. Go pay a few visits to a psychologist.
[/quote]

I never said it was traumatic. I'm just frustrated because it has been a while and it won't get out of my mind. I will go a few good days and then the next thing I know, I'm dwelling on it and need to distract my mind with something else. It's at the point where it's annoying -me-.

I also don't think she respects me. Turns out she's a total "B". I also hate that. I always think I get to know the lass, and then afterwards I'm thinking "who are you?". A good friend of mine looked at me and told me "You sure do know how to pick 'em".

And to answer the other thing, I have an idea to resolve it which I've been working on myself, but I saw no harm in 3rd party opinions. (maybe considered 4th party?) I'm not going to see a psychologist because of something so petty as this.
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"[color="#1C2837"][size="2"]I also don't think she respects me"[/size][/color]
[size="3"][color="#1C2837"][size=2]
[/size][/color][/size]If she dumped you over email in that jerk-you-around "fuck off but also i love you" way, she [i]does not respect you[/i]. If she were to call now and say "I could take you back", the correct response is "go fellate a brick".

"[color="#1C2837"][size="2"]Perhaps I should push them away too?"[/size][/color]
[color="#1C2837"] [/color]
[color="#1C2837"][size="2"]Yes; break away.[/size][/color]
[color="#1C2837"] [/color]
[color="#1C2837"][size="2"]"... [/size][/color][color="#1C2837"][size="2"]no harm in 3rd party opinions"[/size][/color]
[color="#1C2837"] [/color]
[color="#1C2837"][size="2"]I agree, with the caveat that 3rd parties don't know enough; 3rd parties are not emotionally invested and have an easy time thinking rationally. Any reasonable adult who's been there will do. I think the GDnet lounge is fine; there's a lounge because it's community and it's folks you sorta know.[/size][/color]
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I'm pretty sure you dodged a bullet with her.

If you can't find out what you did wrong, it could be that you did nothing wrong. Sometimes it's really not you and it's the other person dealing with their own shyt.
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[b]Got any related stories? [/b]
[url="http://www.gamedev.net/topic/579291-what-do-you-do-when/page__p__579291__fromsearch__1#entry579291"]F**K GIRLS[/url]
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[quote name='D.Chhetri' timestamp='1310962140' post='4836632']
[url="http://www.gamedev.net/topic/579291-what-do-you-do-when/page__p__579291__fromsearch__1#entry579291"]F**K GIRLS[/url]
[/quote]

I agree with this sentiment. All a guy really needs is a Daniel Radcliffe poster and a pack of tissues.

Err, I mean, Christina....Spears? Yes, Christina Spears. She is very hotness. What with that thing, she does with her... Hair? I'll go with hair. Yes, her all the way.
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[b]Daniel Radcliffe[/b]

I actually had to google that name to see who it was. I think I earned a cookie.
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Damn guys. I didn't expect this much attention to my post. Lol.

Needless to say my future self visited me earlier today, [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCgjQD1kvrc"]slapped me silly[/url], and told me to "stop being such a p*ssy". I understand what I must do.

Thanks though for the advice!
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If I were in your situation I would be more pissed that it was over email; noting that I've broken up with girls via text message before, so I have no right to judge, but that wasn't a year relationship. You'd think she could at least give you the courtesy of telling you to your face or at least over the phone or something more personal than email.
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[quote name='SteveDeFacto' timestamp='1310884525' post='4836265']
Frob's reply is complete garbage. A psychologist would be a complete wast of money and 2 months is really not a long time to get over a break up. Look at things as they are. You were rejected and being rejected hurts far more than rejecting someone. Your ego was hurt and now you can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with you or something you did. This is completely normal and you will probably continue to feel this way for a few more months.
[/quote]

I always chuckle when I hear responses like that.


Somehow in our society, mental health has become a taboo topic. Similar to how a century ago women couldn't admit to being pregnant, even when they were 9 months along and about to have the child; many people would whisper "Ignore her, she's P.G.", unable to even speak the dirty word "pregnant".





Imagine if the OP had said [i]"I hurt my shoulder two months ago. I've done everything I can think of, ice and heat, taking OTC anti-inflammatory drugs, done everything suggested by my friends, now I'm turning to the Internets for help[/i]". There would be the immediate replies of "see a doctor you idiot" along with the obligatory "I spun AIDS" comic. Even if the problem would go away with time, the recommendation would still be to get professional help.

But when it is a psychological harm, and it is impairing your life for months on end, there is such a negative backlash against anything dealing with mental health.

Physical health? Yeah, see a doctor after it starts impairing your life. Emotional health? Be a man and ignore the pain. Somehow people forget that emotional pain ruins lives and leaves deep scars.


If ANYTHING is impairing your life and you can't fix it on your own, you simply get professional help from someone expert in the field.

If you have problems with your car and you can't fix it, professional help means a mechanic. If you have problems with your air conditioning and can't fix it, professional help means an HVAC technician. If you can't find an address, professional help means opening a map or using a GPS or asking a local for driving directions. If you have problems with your shoulder and you can't fix it, professional help means visiting your family doctor. And if you have problems coping with a serious emotional event, professional help comes from a psychologist.

There is no shame in admitting you aren't perfect or an expert on every topic, and seeking help from an expert whenever you need it.
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[quote]Somehow in our society, mental health has become a taboo topic. [/quote]
You are probably right, but I think seeking pro help is a bit of an overkill for a "common" relationship break-up such as this one. Unless of course, the OP in question spiralled into deep depression and is unable to get over it.


Do yourself a favour, never delve too deeply about the break-up. Try not getting overly emotional about superficial things, such receiving the news via email, as opposed to in person. How she delivered the news is immaterial, that will not change your current situation. Particularly, don't ponder exhaustively on the "what if" scenarios, or engage in crazy speculative thinking, or wonder why the relationship went pear-shaped. That just asking for psychological trouble, right there. Reflecting is one thing, torturing yourself is another. I think the best option here is to keep yourself occupied with things to do, such as work, movies, games, hobbies, ..., whatever... anything to distract your mind. Do this long enough, and you will walk away still intact.
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[quote name='frob' timestamp='1311006775' post='4836871']
.....
[/quote]

2 months of it means you are emotionally unhealthy? Are you serious? While I'll agree that someone should get help, but running to the psychologist with every little shit IS unhealthy. Upset because your GF left you? Go to psychologist! Sad because lost a job? Go to psychologist! Are you in mourning because someone you loved died? Go to psychologist! We are labelling perfectly normal feelings are emotionally/mentally unhealthy. That's unhealthy IMHO.

Not to mention it's not so easy (at all) to get a good psychologist. Maybe you are rich and it's that simple for you.
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[quote name='frob' timestamp='1311006775' post='4836871']
[quote name='SteveDeFacto' timestamp='1310884525' post='4836265']
Frob's reply is complete garbage. A psychologist would be a complete wast of money and 2 months is really not a long time to get over a break up. Look at things as they are. You were rejected and being rejected hurts far more than rejecting someone. Your ego was hurt and now you can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with you or something you did. This is completely normal and you will probably continue to feel this way for a few more months.
[/quote]

I always chuckle when I hear responses like that.


Somehow in our society, mental health has become a taboo topic. Similar to how a century ago women couldn't admit to being pregnant, even when they were 9 months along and about to have the child; many people would whisper "Ignore her, she's P.G.", unable to even speak the dirty word "pregnant".





Imagine if the OP had said [i]"I hurt my shoulder two months ago. I've done everything I can think of, ice and heat, taking OTC anti-inflammatory drugs, done everything suggested by my friends, now I'm turning to the Internets for help[/i]". There would be the immediate replies of "see a doctor you idiot" along with the obligatory "I spun AIDS" comic. Even if the problem would go away with time, the recommendation would still be to get professional help.

But when it is a psychological harm, and it is impairing your life for months on end, there is such a negative backlash against anything dealing with mental health.

Physical health? Yeah, see a doctor after it starts impairing your life. Emotional health? Be a man and ignore the pain. Somehow people forget that emotional pain ruins lives and leaves deep scars.


If ANYTHING is impairing your life and you can't fix it on your own, you simply get professional help from someone expert in the field.

If you have problems with your car and you can't fix it, professional help means a mechanic. If you have problems with your air conditioning and can't fix it, professional help means an HVAC technician. If you can't find an address, professional help means opening a map or using a GPS or asking a local for driving directions. If you have problems with your shoulder and you can't fix it, professional help means visiting your family doctor. And if you have problems coping with a serious emotional event, professional help comes from a psychologist.

There is no shame in admitting you aren't perfect or an expert on every topic, and seeking help from an expert whenever you need it.
[/quote]

Though I COMPLETELY see and respect your perspective, I also just thought someone's two cents on the subject was nothing harmful as I had already come to a conclusion I was happy with but wanted to see other people's experiences. It would be different if I knew that most of you were creeps. But here on gamedev, I assume most of us are mature (and probably a majority older) to be able to discuss some things like this. Especially in the forum marked "lounge". I see it like a bar sometimes. Walk on in, meet a few people, talk about stuff, leave.

Also, since it -is- a social gathering of human beings, I thought maybe other could come out and share their stories if they had any. Kind of like "Hey man. You're not alone." I think it's nice sometimes. Like [url="fmylife.com"]fmylife.com[/url] :D
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[quote name='frob' timestamp='1311006775' post='4836871']
[quote name='SteveDeFacto' timestamp='1310884525' post='4836265']
Frob's reply is complete garbage. A psychologist would be a complete wast of money and 2 months is really not a long time to get over a break up. Look at things as they are. You were rejected and being rejected hurts far more than rejecting someone. Your ego was hurt and now you can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with you or something you did. This is completely normal and you will probably continue to feel this way for a few more months.
[/quote]

I always chuckle when I hear responses like that.


Somehow in our society, mental health has become a taboo topic. Similar to how a century ago women couldn't admit to being pregnant, even when they were 9 months along and about to have the child; many people would whisper "Ignore her, she's P.G.", unable to even speak the dirty word "pregnant".





Imagine if the OP had said [i]"I hurt my shoulder two months ago. I've done everything I can think of, ice and heat, taking OTC anti-inflammatory drugs, done everything suggested by my friends, now I'm turning to the Internets for help[/i]". There would be the immediate replies of "see a doctor you idiot" along with the obligatory "I spun AIDS" comic. Even if the problem would go away with time, the recommendation would still be to get professional help.

But when it is a psychological harm, and it is impairing your life for months on end, there is such a negative backlash against anything dealing with mental health.

Physical health? Yeah, see a doctor after it starts impairing your life. Emotional health? Be a man and ignore the pain. Somehow people forget that emotional pain ruins lives and leaves deep scars.


If ANYTHING is impairing your life and you can't fix it on your own, you simply get professional help from someone expert in the field.

If you have problems with your car and you can't fix it, professional help means a mechanic. If you have problems with your air conditioning and can't fix it, professional help means an HVAC technician. If you can't find an address, professional help means opening a map or using a GPS or asking a local for driving directions. If you have problems with your shoulder and you can't fix it, professional help means visiting your family doctor. And if you have problems coping with a serious emotional event, professional help comes from a psychologist.

There is no shame in admitting you aren't perfect or an expert on every topic, and seeking help from an expert whenever you need it.
[/quote]

Cannot agree with this more.

Moreover, you don't need to be mentally ill to go see a psychiatrist. In fact, this couldn't be further from the truth! You can be very happy and still benefit from a few sessions. Indeed, the role of a psychologist includes simply helping to relieve psychological distress and promote your mental well-being and personal development.

It's kind of like going to the doctor for a physical or bringing your car at the garage for a routine maintenance.
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I actually understand why she said "but I love you", but actually did the opposite. She actually cares about you, but she's not sure if she wants to be with you. She doesn't think you are hot enough. You are not exciting enough. In other words, you are boring now, to her. See, a woman can care for a guy but not sleep with him. Are you friend-zoned? Not really, friendzone is worse than that. Consider that somewhere in between, which also sucks, btw.

Do you have any chance of going back to her? Yes, if you play your cards right.
Am I suggesting you to do that? No. Don't ever try to go back to your ex. She'll come to you when she wants to.

Now, back to you, how do you cope with the loss? Nothing much you can do. Do other things, date other women, eventually it will wear off. Try to be more interesting, develop new skills, new groups of friends, and have some vision to your future (which doesn't involve her).
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