nicba : if i can criticize a bit, I would say that the story for the elf lacked a bit more dramatisation. What I mean is that since it''s supposed to be only a flavor text, as opposed to the beginning of a long saga, it would be better to concentrate more emotions into the short length of the text, in order to create something ... more ... I dunno what Basically, there is nothing wrong with the style in itself, it''s just it doesn''t seem, mmm, I think there is not enough rythm. For instance, the last two paragraphs are very nice, the calm after the storm, and the cold anger of the elf. But I think maybe the melee scene could be more dramatic, don''t make it two skeletons, make it ten of them coming at him, make him surrounded and almost beaten, when suddenly the rays of the sun pour on the skeletons and they fall on the ground ... or something similar. Actually, the beginning is very nice as well, the fog, and the night, the clearing filled with the soudn of flying arrows. I guess all I am talking about is something more climatic, a crescendo sort of thing, and the aftermath. Anyway, I hope I am being constructive enough
Thank you very much! It was just that kind of comments I was hoping for. I re-read the story again and I think I see what you''re getting at. I was about to build something up with him running out of arrows and such, but then I just ended the whole battle in a couple of lines. It surely did break the rythm.
As I explained in my original post the story is pretty much abandoned and will not be used for anything. But I think I will try to follow your advice anyway and rewrite the melee to include some more drama and a climatic end. Just as an exercise.
And now for something completely different... This is from the sci-fi novel I''m writing about how philosophy would have evolved if technology had never progressed beyond a Renissance level due to lack of metals and fossil fuels.
The playroom for our dormitory was great. There was a bookcase full of blocks of lots of unusual shapes, and some of the blocks were as long as my arm. Sunshine-fur Raynnil was playing blocks, building a big Estate. It needed a barn and a corral for horses, so that’s what I built. Raynill added the last block to the top of the wall and looked very satisfied. Then he turned to me and, with a sneaky look, asked, “Hey, do you want to know a secret?” I nodded enthusiastically. Secrets were usually interesting.
“What’s the secret?”
“I’m really a girl.” He looked solemn. I thought that that was a weird joke to tell.
“You can’t be a girl. If you were, you’d have to go to school on your estate.”
He looked defiant. “I am too a girl. They pretend I’m a boy ‘cause I’m odd colored. Not my estate’s color, you know?” I didn’t know any such thing. Girls were always their estate’s color. Only boys were odd colored, usually two color-patterns mixed together, like me being in-between striped and dun. Raynnil wasn’t even that, just pure sunshine-colored. I didn’t like people playing tricks on me.
“I don’t believe you.” I accused. “I’m going to ask the teacher.” Fear flashed across his face.
“Don’t do that! I’m not supposed to tell; I’ll get in trouble!” I looked smug. “Then just admit you’re not some silly girl.” I said reasonably.
Raynnil’s mouth twisted and he looked stubborn. “I’ll prove it!” He grabbed my wrist and pulled me up from the floor.
“Ow, lemme go!” I jerked my arm away and scowled. I didn’t like this one bit. “Where’re we going?”
“Just the bathroom, come on and I’ll show you.” I relaxed.
“Oh, O.K..” Huh, maybe he was a girl. He wouldn’t take me into the bathroom just to prove he was lying. I wanted to make sure, though. “O.K., I’m coming.” He looked around to see if the coast was clear, then stalked into the bathroom. I followed. Fire-fur Larris was there, looking worried at Raynnil’s determined expression. “What’s the matter?” he asked Raynnil. Larris looked at me accusingly. “Is this kid bothering you?” he asked Raynnil.
“No, I’m bothering him.” Raynnil put his fists on his hips and looked exasperated. “He just won’t believe I’m a girl, so I’m gonna prove it.”
“Oh, all right.” Larris relaxed. Raynnil turned to me, grabbed his waistband, and, with a great flourish, pulled his trousers down to his knees. Um, her knees. My jaw dropped – she was a she!
“See?” she demanded, “Now do you believe me?”
“OK, I believe you.” I said. Larris nodded with satisfaction that we had settled our difficulty. Just then, of course, a teacher happened to walk into the bathroom.
“Now just what do you three think you’re doing?” he demanded, frowning mightily. Uh oh. Now we were all three going to catch it.
Reynnil pulled her pants back up in a hurry. “Um… n-nothing…” she stuttered. The teacher scowled more fiercely at her, and she broke. “Jessop just w-wouldn’t believe me.” Tears seeped into the corners of her eyes, and I felt mad at the teacher. Larris looked angry and like he was going to cry too.
“Wouldn’t believe what?” he demanded.
“Th-that I’m a girl.” Reynnil sniffed, and one tear slid down her cheek and got caught in her jawline-fringe. Larris, crying now, hugged her and said, “Don’t cry Reynni!” I glared at the teacher and stepped a bit in front of them. The teacher looked sternly at Larris and me, then back at Reynnil.
“No such thing, young man.” Reynnil looked nonplussed. Larris hiccuped. “We do not admit girls to this school. Kindly remember that lying is an offence against Decency, as is, “ he said, fixing us all with a fishy stare, “participating in indecent exposure. I think perhaps we all had better have a little chat with the Headmaster.”
Well it was indecent exposure, sure enough. That hadn’t occurred to me at all, but it was true. So much for being virtuous. I felt guilty for having disobeyed my grandmother’s warning on the very first day of school. Reynnil and Larris probably felt much the same thing. We all hunched our shoulders and kept our eyes on our feet as we shuffled to the headmaster’s office.
The teacher knocked on the big wooden door. “Come in.” the Headmaster called. The teacher opened the door and waved us in, motioning us to sit down on the hard, narrow delinquents’ bench while he took a guest’s chair. My feet didn’t touch the floor.
“Oh my,” said the headmaster, noting our wet cheeks, “what have we here?” He looked concerned, but not surprised.
“A case of indecent exposure, sir.” reported the teacher. Now the Headmaster did look surprised.
“So young?”
“Sir it’s a case of…” the teacher stopped, looked at us, and went over to whisper in the Headmaster’s ear. Comprehension dawned on the Headmaster’s face.
“My lad,” he addressed Reynnil quietly, “You are not a girl. I do not care what you have in your trousers, the Decency codes recognize as female only those who have an Estate to call their own, and you have none. Kindly remember that. As for this indecent exposure,” he rummaged in a desk drawer and pulled out 3 pamphlets, “each of you bring me a hand-written copy of the Childrens’ Decency Code tomorrow, and next time you’ll know better.” He gave the pamphlets to the teacher.
“Thank the Headmaster for his leniency.” commanded the teacher.
“Thank you sir.” we all murmured. It was lenient. Much better than a public announcement at the next assembly, like they did sometimes. The teacher shepherded us back to the classroom and sat us each at a desk with a copy of the Decency Code, some paper, and a pencil. He stood over us for a few minutes, watching while we worked silently. Then another child called him away and we could relax a little.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” I ventured. “If I just had we wouldn’t be in trouble.” Reynnil brightened a bit at the apology, but Larris scowled at me.
“Darn right.” he said.
“No, he was right Larris.” said Reynnil. She looked to me. “You had no reason to believe me and I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”
“I’m glad you told me!” I said defiantly.
She smiled. “Well, then I’m glad I told you too. Now both my friends know the real truth, even if nobody else does.” She beamed at us. Larris grinned back at her, relieved to see her happy again, then offered me a small smile.
“Are we friends?” I asked him hopefully. I thought he ought to be mad at us for getting him in trouble.
“Reynnil’s my best friend, and if she says so, then you’re our friend too. You were brave when the teacher was being mean; I saw you glaring at him.” I puffed up a bit with pride and happiness at having two friends.
“You were brave too, Larris. The teacher might have really yelled at you for hugging Reyolni while he was being mean to her.”
“He was being mean!” said Larris hotly. “We’ve gotta finish these and get out of trouble, and from now on we’ve gotta watch out for each other while he’s around!”
I nodded vigorously. “Yeah, we hafta do these and we need to help each other. That’s what friends do!” I turned my attention to quickly getting the code copied.
“You guys are good friends to have!” declared Reynnil. I’m gonna take care of you too!”
Luckily we were all busily working again when the teacher stuck his head in the doorway and peered around suspiciously.
I want to help design a "sandpark" MMO. Optional interactive story with quests and deeply characterized NPCs, plus sandbox elements like player-craftable housing and lots of other crafting. If you are starting a design of this type, please PM me. I also love pet-breeding games.
I haven''t written any stories, because I can''t think of good ideas for stories. I have written two poems I consider worth showing to people, one of them a parody ripoff of a poem from Kalevala, the Finnish national epic. Unfortunately(?), they are in Finnish, but here is the other one, anyway:
Ajaton olio Tunteeton hylkiö Paheeton perkele Yksin käy
Kotina yö Saappaina suo Viittana usva Onnea syö
Varjot ystävinä Pelot kumppaneina Sanat vihollisina Kauas vie
Rakastaa naista Rakastaa miestä Rakastaa aikaa Viimeinen
I could translate it, but it wouldn''t be the same anymore. If someone asks, I can translate it anyway. Or, if someone thinks he/she can translate it so that it doesn''t sound stupid, go ahead.
The more I see finnish, the more I am convinced you must have some connetion with Chtulhu himself ... I would love to here it pronounced, jsut to be sure
yes, maybe a translation would be useful, just to get the idea, please ?
-----------------------------Sancte Isidore ora pro nobis !
Geez, what a cool thread this!Why didn''t I see it before? I''ll have to wait till after work to actually read all these neat stories, but in the meantime, here''s part 1 of my contribution. Since I''m part Japanese, I really like researching the art of Ninjitsu. So, Thief fans, listen up:
The building that sat on the edge of a sea cliff was quite non-descript in nature. It was of typical Japanese construct, with all the spires and tiered roofs, and was painted the normal whitewash color. A wall sorounded it, but that was quite normal. Some people just liked their privacy, and walls were never seen as too offensive. But something was amiss, something was different, something... The soft crunch of the guard''s feet as he walked the perimeter was all that was heard as night settled over the grounds. Other guards, mainly just sollouettes, stood watch or walked their own routines around the no longer inconspicious house. One guard stopped to light a match in order to investigate a mysterious lump lying on the ground at his feet. It was nothing. He blew out the match and tossed it over the high wall. As the match fell towards the raging sea below, it flew past a mysterious lump clinging to the sheer cliff face. The lump stirred as it slowly reached up with one hand and grasped an unseen handhold. Sinewy muscles strained as he raised his body up and placed his opposite foot higher than his waist and pushed. He continued the process, alternating from side to side, until he reached the base of the wall, which was flush with the face of the cliff. Finding a good hold, he held on with one hand as he reached down to his belt to remove the three-pronged grappling hook. Letting the rope uncoil, he used his free hand and his mouth to recoil a few yards. Still holding the cord in his mouth, he used his free hand to lob the hook up and over the wall. The chink of contact was easily lost in the sound of crashing waves far below. With a tug the hook settled into place. Looping the cord underneath him to help support his weight, the Ninja quickly ascended to the top of the wall. When he reached the top, he peered over to spot any roaming guards. By now night had closed in, and nothing could be seen. The grounds were sparsely lighted and no shadows appeared. The ninja rolled smoothly over the wall and dropped to the ground. He landed and rolled to absorb the shock, coming up in a crouch. His eyes darted from left to right before moving to the nearest available cover. Under the protection of a small shrub, he peered out, all senses alert. The sound of footsteps reached his ears first, and he centered his vision to his left, where it had originated. Scant seconds later a figure emerged from the gloom. He carried a long bow and a short dagger, along with a quill of arrows strapped to his back. As the guard approached, the ninja drew his short assasin''s blade and held it ready. As the guard walked past, the ninja rose and grabbed him. Pulling him close, he jabbed the knife into his throat. The blade sliced through both the jugular and the larynx before plunging into the man''s heart. The gurgling sounds subsided as the man slowly sank to the ground. The ninja set him aside and wiped clean his blade before sheathing it.
Well, that''s all for now. I have to go. Hope you like it, part 2 coming soon, where he gets to take out more people Peace.
============================== \\// live long and prosper; \||/ die short and rot. ==============================
Thanks for the comments. Nicba, I missed your earlier comment, so thanks.
Realms of the Arcane is the most recent (I think) Forgotten Realms (tm) short-story anthology. I really liked it. The story I referred to was of a man who wakes up with no knowledge of himself. He''s found a job as a hired thief and after the first job learns that he was convicted of a crime and rather than death chose this path. He is rewarded for "discreet" services to the government with clues to his past.
My story is set in a typical fantasy setting (my personal favorite), but I''ll have to explore the other options.
Eajan was a royal assassin, and very cynical (hence his curious attitude) who was caught and experimented on (officially executed) by some mad wizard. The experiment failed, leaving him with no memory and in a coma. He was left for dead on the road and found by these people and nursed back to health.
The fun part is that he''s on his own and doesn''t know about all the enemies he made along the way. The story would continue with him just trying to make it in the world and suddenly there are people out to kill him and others trying to hire him and he has to learn about his past and reconcile it with his new life. He''s learned through the kindness shown him at the abbey that there''s more to life than selfish pursuits. Redemption is the main theme here.
Ahw, that episode of B5 is the only one I''ve actually seen. I liked it, but had forgotten about it.
He sheathed the blade and stood. Slowly he walked towards the house. He stepped carefully, placing first the toe, then the heel. By not putting all his weight on his heel with each step, no sound was heard as he traversed the yard. Halfway from the wall to the house another guard appeared around some bushes. The ninja pivoted on his right heel to bring his back against a nearby tree, shielding himself from the sentry''s view. He ventured a glance around the trunk as the the guard turned and began walking towards the tree. Acting quickly, the ninja leapt up and grabbed the lowest branch. He climbed up, making sure to stay on the thickest branches to avoid any rustling leaves, as the guard walked by underneath. Once again the ninja drew his short blade and jumped down behind the guard. Grabbing the man under the chin, with his hand covering the mouth and fingers pinching the nose, he drove the blade into the guards right kidney. The sentry tried to struggle, but the grip was too tight. Since the poison from the damaged kidney would take too long to kill the guard, the ninja simply jerked his wrist and snapped the man''s neck.
After hiding the body, the ninja returned to the tree. While up there earlier, he had spotted his next target, a sniper on the house roof. Back up in the branches, he peered at the target. The sniper was cradling his bow as he looked out towards the sea. Reaching down to a pouch on his belt, the ninja withdrew a three pointed shuriken and held it in his hand. Again judging the distance, he let the small projectile fly. The metal weapon lodged itslef in the man''s throat. The bow clattered against the roof as the sniper tried to breath. Within seconds he succumbed to asphyxia and loss of blood. His body tumbled off the roof and to the ground below.
The timing could not have been worse. Just coming around the corner of the house was yet another guard, and the sniper almost fell on him. The ninja somersaulted out of the tree and hit the ground, drawing his katana blade. The guard had already started to yell out the alarm, so the ninja closed in fast. The guard saw him coming and skillfully loaded and arrow into his bow. He aimed and released while the ninja was still about fifteen feet away. The ninja immediatly ducked and rolled, letting the arrow fly by overhead. The dive also brought him within striking range. Coming up in a crouch he sliced upwards and gutted the guard. Turning around he ran for the house. Rounding the corner to the front he ran into another guard.
A ninja''s reflexes can outmatch anyones, and as soon as he turned the corner, he was ducking under the swing of another sword. Twisting around, he tried to swipe at the guards chest. His opponent was ready, however and blocked the move. A foot lashed out to catch the ninja in the head but he knocked it aside with his hand. With the guard off balance, the ninja stepped in and elbowed him to the ground. Reversing his blade, he drove it straight into the mans heart.
whoop. Times up. I''d like to keep my job...
============================== \\// live long and prosper; \||/ die short and rot. ==============================
The more I see finnish, the more I am convinced you must have some connetion with Chtulhu himself ... I would love to here it pronounced, jsut to be sure
Ehh, WHAT?!?
quote:yes, maybe a translation would be useful, just to get the idea, please ?
OK, I''ll give you a literal translation, which probably sounds stupid and at least doesn''t resemble a poem, but you get the idea or something like that.
Timeless being Heartless outcast Viceless devil Goes on alone
Night its home Swamp its boots Mist its cloak Eating bliss
Shadows as friends Fears as partners Words as enemies Takes you far away
Loving the woman Loving the man Loving time The last one
