You took the phone call, though you knew the risks as well as anyone. "It'll be all right" you said as the click of the phone receiver stretched into silence, but I knew that you were lying.

I'm not going to bash on you. . . but, why would a character stop in their life and say this? it sounds to me like you need to work out your charaterization better.

A character, wouldn't say this , "as the click of the phone reciever stretched into silence" that's too verbose, lol it WOULD work as,

"You took the phone call, although you knew the risks as well anyone. 'It'll be alright' you said, but I knew you were lying." and that's more of a dialogue exchange, in which the other character, who the dialogue is directed to doesn't respond. LOLOLOL

It's not even plausible to execute, if the narrator isn't involved in the game.

I probably should have clarified that I didn't have a game in mind when I asked the question. It's a literary construct, which as you say, probably doesn't translate well to a game.

(actually, had you read my initial post, I think it is fairly clear that this was asked in the context of a short story)

I did read it, I'm trying to help clarify the issue, bc ^^^ nobody else has even tried to help, they just lobbied with you that it was weird. I write short stories, send them off, get paid. So, I can offer you help. . .

The problem is your characterization, and the usage of the wrong terms to describe things. lol

I'm really not trying to bash, but the ignorance of story design is seriously offensive to me, lol

But, in terms of a short story. . . I would need more information, nothing as far as specifics of things, just generalities.

How long is the story? is the story based on problem/resolution, linear?, mystery/revelation? I just don't understand why you would try a viewpoint like this? lol

Is this for a short story market?

P.s, lol sorry about being a douche in respect of the game part. . . I must've misread that bit.

If you need any help with something like this, please. . . Come to me, and dont attempt the forums. Lol obviously, nobody else could offer concrete advice. By the way, dont post your story ANYWHERE. No not bc of idea theives, but bc of reasons pertaining to the literary market. Your material would be considered previously published, and if you sent it to a publisher on the premise that it hadnt been published before, and they handle stories that are original stories only, should they discover otherwise and accept your story, it could turn out bad. . .

I swear I have read a book (or at least short story) written in this fashion, but I can't for the life of me put a name to that either.

Reminds me of A Song of Stone by Iain Banks. The male narrator sometimes describes what is happening to him directly, but also talks to the reader, you, (his female lover).

An odd read.