So I was bored last night and started talking with a friend about what makes a conversation interesting. I'm not sure if this is going to sound clever, or like a crazy person yelling in the street. In any case, this is what I realized:

People seem to think being interesting is about saying interesting things, but it's not, at least not completely. I think being interesting is more about what you DON'T say.

First I need to explain something else.

Most of us have this terrible habit of over-explaining our actions, because we don't like feeling misunderstood. Being misunderstood sucks. So we overcompensate by giving away too much.

Have you ever had to justify yourself to someone you didn't particularly like at that moment? Maybe you said something that "offended" them, and now you have to explain yourself. It feels a little gross, doesn't it? You think, "I don't care what this person thinks of me, why am I justifying myself to them?". But you might do it anyway. The urge to be understood runs deep.

What makes it worse is that now you're trying to win approval from this person, which automatically makes them cooler than you for the moment. Cool people give approval, they don't seek approval. So now you look lame. Whoops.

(Besides the point, but: cute girls use this trick all the time. Have you ever seen a cute girl around a guy she likes suddenly get "offended" by something he says? She probably wasn't really offended, she was testing him to see if he has a backbone. If he tries to explain himself to her in a serious way, she'll respect him a lot less.)

The funny thing about trying to explain yourself to people is even if this other person does come to understand your point of view, it doesn't usually do much good. And in reality they won't come to understand you. You can explain yourself to people until you're blue in the face but it won't change anyone's mind. Rational arguments suck at persuading people of anything. If people were actually rational, they'd already believe the exact same things you believe.

(Don't think about that last sentence for too long)

So explaining yourself sucks. Don't do it. Really, please don't. If your dignity wanders off into that dark alley it's going to get mugged; and for what, a shiny penny? I hope it was a canadian penny at least. They're worth more now. I think I might have pushed this metaphor a bit too far.

How does all this relate to being interesting?

It's because this urge to over-explain things is what makes people really really boring.

Take this conversation for instance:

Bob: What happened this weekend? I heard it was crazy.
Sally: OMG! I went to this party, and I got so drunk! And all these hot guys started hitting on me, but I was like, back off! Because I'm not a slut you know?
Bob: Oh, that's cool.
*awkward silence*

This is a pretty boring conversation. She gave everything away at the start. There was no tension, no reason we should be interested in her story. He probably tuned out halfway through. Worse, it's also a little bit sad -- Sally is trying to come across as being desirable and cool, but her attempts are shallow and transparent.

How could she do better?

Bob: What happened this weekend? I heard it was crazy.
Sally: I shouldn't say...
Bob: What? Why can't you say? What happened?
Sally: Well I went to this party and.. you don't really want to hear this, do you?
Bob: No I do! What happened!
Sally: Well all these drunk girls started hitting on me... *blah blah rest of story*

Much better. Why? Well, by not giving away everything at first, she created tension and mystery. This made Bob about 1000x more interested, because everyone likes a mystery. Now he's actually paying attention, and he's going to value the story that much more because he invested himself in hearing it.

I'm not saying being shifty about everything is a good idea. That would be obnoxious. My point is just that if you give everything you're going to say away all at once, its not as interesting, and you're giving up power to people. Scarcity makes anything more valuable (gold would be worthless if it were common). Over-explaing yourself kills scarcity. Don't do that. You'll be boring, and despised, and you'll get beaten up in dark alleys while looking for that shiny penny we call validation.


[Edit: Finally done editing this, after about the 11th time :P]