So here I am looking to select an icon for my first journal post and out of the 48 little icons there isn't one that reflects the nature of this entry.

So why am I lonely? Why am I in search of love? Will I ever find my soul mate(s)?

I have created numerous individual projects, some bearing fruit others falling flat on their face. Some of my recent success have been things like interactive 3D demo on particle theory, a fairly polish (if not complete) tetris clone. And I am currently working on a 2D engine. Though I have little to show for it in content, it has and still is providing me with a wealth of experience and understanding.

But here's the problem, I am tired of working by myself, tired of trying to strike up conversation with my girl friend on the best way to organise an entity system. Who bless her cotton socks nods away and attempts to ask intelligent questions, but deep down I know you hasn't got a clue what I am talking about. Sometime its enough, sometimes just talking out the problem to my rubber duck gets me somewhere.

But there are times when I need more, times when I need a someone who shares my passion, understands my problems, and can help and be helped. What I need is my twin, but as we all know self love can be a harmful thing. I need a soul mate, a game developing soul mate.

Now my search for my perfect partner (though I am open to polygamy) started quite a long time ago. I thought the best way to find like minded people is to find volunteer work in one of the many online game projects and mods. But am I good enough? Will I get laughed out the door? Will I suffer the same fears I have when I ask for help on message boards? Please don't judge me!

Surprisingly no, In fact in many cases getting on-board a project had been very easy. Maybe alarm bells should have rang, but hey I wasn't rejected. I always knew that this new home brew MMOFPS was never going to see the light of day, but I was dazzled by the pretty models, website and charisma. There was never any chance this HL2 mod was going to happen, the guy running the place never heard of source control or in for that matter never programmed anything before. But they don't say that in their adverts, and the reassuring private messages.

So do I leave? Like any sane person you would leave an abusive relationship. But like most of us, emotions get the better of us. If I work hard here, try and muddle my way through and get something in place, then maybe someone like me will join and we learn from each other. Clinging on, as slowly the initial project hype and enthusiasm drains away. Till I find myself in a cold, dead empty shell and finally slink away back into the abyss.

But hey this project sounds interesting, hmm I could do that. Lets give these folks a buzz. Welcome aboard, right we going to make the next pay-per-tier OMGZWTFBQQ game, we don't really know what it is yet, and I thought we could communicate via email. I can draw houses, with windows and my friend who just turned 15 is a whizz and GameMakerUber, but wants to learn c++ etc. etc. etc.

So what do I do again? What have I done recently? Join another group, only to find out all the good intentions were just that. So, maybe I can run the place, I don't really want to, well I don't mind doing a bit. If I set things in place then the original guys could pick up some of the slack and then we can work together managing a project and doing the coding. Fat chance, they are happy for me to do all the project organising, dipping in and out at their whim. Why do these things if you have no intention of seeing it through? You are the captain you should be the first on and the last off your ship.

PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW!

So what options do I have left? Where is my soul mate? Surely I am not the only person in my situation? Where are those persons, the people who I can't wait to talk to when I get back from work about and idea I had. Where are those people who can objectively give and take critic?

Why can't I find a small group of people who want to make games in a team principally for the experience of collaborative effort? To expand there own understanding and enlighten their comrades?

Ben Curley looking for love, preferably in the same time zone (UK) looking to develop games in C++. LFTYR.