Hey folks. My life suddenly took a turn for the worse today. It seems that I have been diagnosed with a disease so rare, it cannot be diagnosed. It involves a sentient weeping pus-like substance which is polymorphic. It can transform into any shape and assume simple stabbing weapons. It hurts me. I fight it. It will not stop.

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Several years ago, I invested a modest sum of money into software stocks. Today I checked the status of my shares and realised that I am a millionaire. I bought a helicopter and a tiger. I ate a money sandwich. I bought another tiger and then pitted them against eachother in a battle to the death. I then ate the winner, stuffed with GBP100 notes, with a side dish of money salad. Then I bought Venezuela, but promptly sold it again when I was informed that there are no tigers there. Then I ate Venezuela.

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My life is like a coconut. On the outside, it is rough, yet somehow smooth and pleasing to the touch. On the inside, it is filled with coconut milk. Once the milk has been drunk, you can bang the two halves together and impersonate a horse. My life is like that.

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I gave birth to a litter of kittens today. They suckled on my teats and I licked them clean.

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I have to go now.