Genocide-My scifi story

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1 comment, last by Pete Michaud 17 years ago
This is my first science fiction story that I would like to turn into a game idea/script someday. I need some help on how to fix up the story in any way or possibly continue it or make a backstory. All criticism is welcomed and thank you for reading. Genocide It is the year 2050. The world’s nations have finally made peace with one another in an effort to keep the human race united. However, certain groups are against this movement and are bent against tearing apart the peace. One specific group, the Dark Saviors, are aiming towards exterminating the human race. They, however, are not exactly humans themselves. The members were bio-genetically engineered to compliment each of their unique skills. These members are… “Shinobi”- An elite ninja and tactitionist who specializes in the art of shurikenjutsu and the commanding of soldiers. He wields various forms of shurikens and sometimes has a mech or two by his side. He has a scanner on his left eye which scans an opponents make-up to help him strike vital points for easy kills. Shinobi also has an adamantium right arm for when he lost his original arm in a medical accident. His back has mutated as a result from various chemicals being added to his body to improve his genetic traits. This makes his back an extreme weak point, but it is covered with armor plating to ensure his safety. (No more villains will be introduced due to the short story format.) A special organization in the U.S., called Xion, is trying to stop the Dark Savior’s plans. One of their members, known as “X”, is the most promising soldier in the world to stop this evil force. He carries two desert eagles (or deagles), a retractable iron/steel staff, and a special magnetic glove that can only attract light objects. X is exceptionally skilled in hand-to-hand combat and is very athletic. (Excerpt from bigger story.) It’s midnight in the big city of Lythan. A gentle snow fall is in the air and the sound of a battle chopper can be heard in the far night. The chopper is Xion Corp. property and is on rendezvous to a skyscraper. X is going to be part of the next fight against the Dark Saviors. On the approach to the top of the skyscraper, X straps on his parachute and jumps. X spirals towards the tower and opens his ’chute. As he’s gliding closer and closer a figure comes into view. He lands on one knee and takes off his pack, throwing it off the ledge. X slowly stands up and looks toward the figure, The beings back is turned. It is holding a shuriken between two fingers over the left shoulder. “So, you’ve come to fight me have you?”, said the figure. “Who are you?”, asked X. “I am an elite ninja part of the Dark Savior group. My name is of no importance to you but you can call me Shinobi. However, you won’t need to know that for long…”, explained Shinobi. At that time, Shinobi turned around to reveal himself. Fear flooded X’s face. Shinobi was a force to be reckoned with. X’s eyes trembled wildly, he couldn’t blink. However, he knew that this would be a fun fight. X grinned and put on his glove… Shinobi jumped into the air and threw a shuriken at X. X back-flipped away from the attack. He took out a deagle and fired off three rounds towards Shinobi’s chest. Shinobi just blocked them with his arm. Then he ran at X and went to punch his face. X ducked and upper-cutted the ninja’s stomach. He was unaffected by the attack and just smirked. “Your formidable opponent.”, said Shinobi. “I’m better.”, said X with a grin. X jumped back and took out his staff. Shinobi threw another shuriken at X. X caught the shuriken with his staff with the projectile still spinning. X rotated his staff and launched the shuriken back at the ninja. Shinobi, caught off guard, took the weapon in the eye, destroying the scanner. “That’s it, your dead!”, yelled Shinobi. The fire in his eyes grew. This was no longer a game, Shinobi wanted blood, and he was going to do his best to get it. He lunged at X. X jousted his staff, but when it met the adamantium fist, it shattered into dust. Shinobi, with an angry look on his face said, “This is just getting started…”
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Well, Shinobi and X are pretty well defined, but they could both use some more depth, and they seem a little cliched.

You have described a fairly interesting story set-up and a neat fight sequence, but what kind of game are you planning?

B
I would take a look at some basic creative writing tutorials and books -- you're falling victim to some classic writing problems, and it's very distracting. Maybe try "On Writing" by Stephen King.

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